Twas two nights before Christmas and as we all gathered in the student kitchen, the spirit of Christmas worked its magic and before my very eyes 30 high-school students warped into little elves all named Martha. The little bakers were hard at work (some even with nothing but an apron) eating snickerdoodles, oatmeal and peanut butter cookies just about as fast as they made them. I thought one Christmas miracle was enough for a lifetime, but as the last cookies were baking and the colossal mess of flour, eggs and sugar was being cleaned up, the Martha’s then transformed into mini Eminems and the night ended with everyone crowded around a keyboard for an impressive free-style rap session. - a way in which I have never before celebrated Christmas.
On the night of Christmas Eve I found myself on the Xavier roof for the Christmas Vigil. A dank concrete roof had been elegantly transformed into a haven of worship and celebration with lights, plants, decorative fabrics and the Eucharist . Students, villagers and faculty all came together under the stars before a baby cradled in a manger dressed in palm leaves. Words merely dilute the beauty of this night, and the photographs only mute the passion of how the Chuukese welcome the birth of Christ…. another way in which I have never before celebrated Christmas.
On Christmas morning, the senior boys that had stayed on campus prepared a brunch for all of us – eggs, bacon, rice, spam, cereal and apples - a far cry from a quiet breakfast of Grandpa’s & Nana’s infamous pita fritas – gathered around the table with my parents, grandparents and Michael Edward in the comforts of home…. quite the contrast from a room and porch full of about 45 people - a way in which I have never before celebrated Christmas.
After brunch we loaded up the bus and flatbed truck and headed into town to sing Christmas carols at the local hospital and prison. Christmas has always been comfortable – a time to kick back, eat so much food and spend q.t. with the family. Instead, I found myself serenading the bedridden, and looking in the eyes and shaking the hands of people who have taken the life of another. That is powerful – and a way in which I have never before celebrated Christmas.
The day after Christmas, the faculty, and our visitors (my community mate’s parents and 2 JVI’s from Pohnpeii) boarded three motor boats and took a surreal trip across the lagoon to the outer reef. The boats dropped us off, turned around and headed back to Weno, effectively leaving us stranded for 2 days. If ever there was a deserted island to be stranded on – this IS the place to be. We landed ashore and our jaws just dropped. Our acclimation process did not take long – as we explored the island no larger than the size of a standard track - we found 2 little houses with beds, 2 bathroom huts, a dining hut and a cook hut. By any standards – Chuukese or American Pisar is a RESORT! Our lazy days were filled with lounging around in the hammocks, snorkeling, exploring the outer reef, navigating the 3 surrounding (also deserted) islands, learning to play the ukelele, enjoying some island cocktails and spear fishing – oh man we were so spoiled! Mmmm Pisar – amazing – something I’ve never done before period never mind a way I’ve never celebrated Christmas.
It’s been a beautiful week and a much needed break (and break from the students – who have currently been shipped out to Pisar for New Year’s with the thought in mind that they cannot get themselves in too much trouble!! I’m interested to hear how Father Arthur (our director) has handled 18 boys all alone on one island!!) And it’s been a most memorable Christmas in so many ways that I would have never expected. Of course it’s so hard calling home and hearing the family celebrate without you, but this Christmas carried with it profound meaning that has tested my strength, my comfort zones and my faith.
I pray that you and your family had a blessed Christmas and may the Lord continue to bless you and carry you into 2006. May there be peace in your hearts and may the light of the Lord continue to illuminate the path before your feet. My Love and Prayers are with you during the holiday season. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Look at me
One might think that the excitement I felt after my ladies won the championship would at least double after the gentlemen’s team brought home the gold just two days later. However, I unfortunately found myself bound by a resentment that not only marred my experience of the game, but continues to corrode a small part of who I am as a female in this culture.
The only differences between the ladies championship game and a ladies regular season game were the heightened number of and enthusiasm from the fans, and the eruption of celebration that ensued after the victory bucket. I figured that given the less individualistic nature of these cultures, the atmosphere of a championship game would naturally defy the level of intensity that I was expecting. Hence, my reaction was a quick paragraph of muted emotion, careful not to show a pride disproportionate to the importance Micronesians placed on the game. But I was sadly disillusioned when I stepped back into the Chuuk High, freshly painted, pristine and absolutely packed gym on Friday afternoon. My excitement and anticipation for watching the game as a fan in the crowd, instead of as a coach or scorekeeper were gradually drained out of me as I let the acrimony, and irritation simmer. The Xavier corner of the gym was packed with so many fans including the Director of the school, the principal, the cooks, the dean, the secretary and the treasurer, that they were practically spilling out onto the court. (This is even in spite of the fact that none of the freshman class was there due to their Community Service Project weekend.) The opposite wall was lined, rows deep with Chuuk High fans and locals that came out of the woodwork to see what all the hype was about. Before the game started, the referee announced the individual player names of both teams and had them line up and shake hands at mid-court and for the next 40 minutes, the gym, being acoustically unfit to support so many screaming supporters, shook with deafening noise.
Perhaps the most painful sites were those in which grown women put themselves on display, dancing, screaming and laughing hysterically. I realize the paradox in that statement, and the thing is, it’s wonderful to see women enjoying themselves. However, I was already seething from the blatant discrimination against the ladies teams, and then to make the direct connection between how countless offenses like this build up and explode into such a visible manifestation of the desire for expression, was agonizing. Knowing that their borderline immature behavior was a direct result of the roles they are forced to fill has made it very hard to watch and share in their pleasure.
This bitterness came full circle once I sat down to read my sophomore exam essays. One of the questions dealt with the treatment of women in the novels we have studied, and asked the students to additionally comment on how this compares to the way women are treated in their culture. Perhaps it was a selfishly asked question, as I was more interested in their comments as opposed to their reflection on the novels, but I should not have been surprised by the answers. Granted the answers did vary (some students feeling that women were treated equally, or even superior to men), but there were several that contained a commonly repeated theme. I received answers such as:
“Women just cook, wash clothes, and sweep. But if they didn’t men would starve, stink and be filthy. Women are not glorified but they do play an important role in life.” (Pohnpeian male)
“In some cultures like mine, I-Kiribati, the women are last. They are equal, but during feasts, traditions and assemblies they don’t’ have power over anything.” (Marshallese male)
“Women are inferior to men.” (Chuukese female)
“Women are expected to obey and respect men willingly. They aren’t suppose to do anything that offends men (ex: wear shorts, pants, answer back, walk around.) Husbands can also fool around while the wives are at home being faithful. Women aren’t also expected to take higher positions than their male relatives. In everything we do, males are supposed to be superior.” (Chuukese female)
“In my culture, [ladies] have more privilege. Women today in my culture cannot walk by when there is a brother of theirs sitting. As a sign of respect they kneel and walk on the knees. But unlike the men, ladies do more chores in the house then men. Ladies would have to wait for the men to finish eating, than she could eat.” (Chuukese male)
It is so obvious how the gender roles here in the FSM and throughout the Pacific are so rigidly defined. Americans can make jokes about women belonging in the kitchen, or cleaning up after them, but here – there is nothing funny about it – that’s how it is. I’m used to jumping in and helping out because there is work to be done, but lifting something heavy is a man’s job, and someone will promptly remove it from my hand saying “You don’t know how it’s done around here.” Likewise you would never see a man preparing food unless he’s out by the barbeque, because that is a women’s job. I think this is why women seize the opportunity to let loose and act the way they do at events like this because they are constrained by the way Micronesians define gender. It is not so much the pure expression of excitement, but a disguised expression of pent-up frustration – anything to make the statement that says “Look at me – I’m more than what I cook, what I clean, who I take care of and who I respect.”
Part of me wants to make excuses for the way thing worked out with the game. It was partly my fault for not seeing to it that the men’s and women’s championship games were handled comparably – now I know for next year. There was no school on Friday so it was easier for more people to come down and watch. The men’s game was actually against Chuuk High, where as the ladies played Saramen Chuuk, so it would make sense they would spruce up their own gym and draw a larger crowd. But there is another part of me that can attribute this difference to none other than the double standard to which women are held. They are not expected to be athletes. They are not expected to be aggressive. They are not expected to be on display.
The only differences between the ladies championship game and a ladies regular season game were the heightened number of and enthusiasm from the fans, and the eruption of celebration that ensued after the victory bucket. I figured that given the less individualistic nature of these cultures, the atmosphere of a championship game would naturally defy the level of intensity that I was expecting. Hence, my reaction was a quick paragraph of muted emotion, careful not to show a pride disproportionate to the importance Micronesians placed on the game. But I was sadly disillusioned when I stepped back into the Chuuk High, freshly painted, pristine and absolutely packed gym on Friday afternoon. My excitement and anticipation for watching the game as a fan in the crowd, instead of as a coach or scorekeeper were gradually drained out of me as I let the acrimony, and irritation simmer. The Xavier corner of the gym was packed with so many fans including the Director of the school, the principal, the cooks, the dean, the secretary and the treasurer, that they were practically spilling out onto the court. (This is even in spite of the fact that none of the freshman class was there due to their Community Service Project weekend.) The opposite wall was lined, rows deep with Chuuk High fans and locals that came out of the woodwork to see what all the hype was about. Before the game started, the referee announced the individual player names of both teams and had them line up and shake hands at mid-court and for the next 40 minutes, the gym, being acoustically unfit to support so many screaming supporters, shook with deafening noise.
Perhaps the most painful sites were those in which grown women put themselves on display, dancing, screaming and laughing hysterically. I realize the paradox in that statement, and the thing is, it’s wonderful to see women enjoying themselves. However, I was already seething from the blatant discrimination against the ladies teams, and then to make the direct connection between how countless offenses like this build up and explode into such a visible manifestation of the desire for expression, was agonizing. Knowing that their borderline immature behavior was a direct result of the roles they are forced to fill has made it very hard to watch and share in their pleasure.
This bitterness came full circle once I sat down to read my sophomore exam essays. One of the questions dealt with the treatment of women in the novels we have studied, and asked the students to additionally comment on how this compares to the way women are treated in their culture. Perhaps it was a selfishly asked question, as I was more interested in their comments as opposed to their reflection on the novels, but I should not have been surprised by the answers. Granted the answers did vary (some students feeling that women were treated equally, or even superior to men), but there were several that contained a commonly repeated theme. I received answers such as:
“Women just cook, wash clothes, and sweep. But if they didn’t men would starve, stink and be filthy. Women are not glorified but they do play an important role in life.” (Pohnpeian male)
“In some cultures like mine, I-Kiribati, the women are last. They are equal, but during feasts, traditions and assemblies they don’t’ have power over anything.” (Marshallese male)
“Women are inferior to men.” (Chuukese female)
“Women are expected to obey and respect men willingly. They aren’t suppose to do anything that offends men (ex: wear shorts, pants, answer back, walk around.) Husbands can also fool around while the wives are at home being faithful. Women aren’t also expected to take higher positions than their male relatives. In everything we do, males are supposed to be superior.” (Chuukese female)
“In my culture, [ladies] have more privilege. Women today in my culture cannot walk by when there is a brother of theirs sitting. As a sign of respect they kneel and walk on the knees. But unlike the men, ladies do more chores in the house then men. Ladies would have to wait for the men to finish eating, than she could eat.” (Chuukese male)
It is so obvious how the gender roles here in the FSM and throughout the Pacific are so rigidly defined. Americans can make jokes about women belonging in the kitchen, or cleaning up after them, but here – there is nothing funny about it – that’s how it is. I’m used to jumping in and helping out because there is work to be done, but lifting something heavy is a man’s job, and someone will promptly remove it from my hand saying “You don’t know how it’s done around here.” Likewise you would never see a man preparing food unless he’s out by the barbeque, because that is a women’s job. I think this is why women seize the opportunity to let loose and act the way they do at events like this because they are constrained by the way Micronesians define gender. It is not so much the pure expression of excitement, but a disguised expression of pent-up frustration – anything to make the statement that says “Look at me – I’m more than what I cook, what I clean, who I take care of and who I respect.”
Part of me wants to make excuses for the way thing worked out with the game. It was partly my fault for not seeing to it that the men’s and women’s championship games were handled comparably – now I know for next year. There was no school on Friday so it was easier for more people to come down and watch. The men’s game was actually against Chuuk High, where as the ladies played Saramen Chuuk, so it would make sense they would spruce up their own gym and draw a larger crowd. But there is another part of me that can attribute this difference to none other than the double standard to which women are held. They are not expected to be athletes. They are not expected to be aggressive. They are not expected to be on display.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
WOO WOO WOO WOOO!!!
I apologize for the spotanaeity of this post - BUT WE JUST WON THE CHAMPIONSHIPPPPPP!!!!! MY LADY NAVIGATORS TOOK THE TITLE!!!!!! i'm working on putting a few new pics up - but you can see my little champions all suited up!!!! IT WAS A NAIL BITER - they took it 29-27 against rivals Saramen Chuuk - of course that scoreboard shot is in there!! HA HA - oh man i'm soo proud!!!! :-)
Amazing Grace
Exams are now underway which effectively marks the end of the first semester. It cannot be possible that it has been four months that I’ve been here already, nor can it be possible that I have survived half a year as a teacher!!!!! Mmm don’t be fooled – I hope that you are not as gullible as my students!
This past Friday I was reviewing for exams with my freshman class. The bulk of the exam was essays on themes we had covered in the novels that we read, in addition to one of my own personal favorites – ah you know me to well!! Of course I’ve found a way to sneak Living with Passion into the curriculum, and in reviewing I find myself in up on my soapbox going off on this tirade trying to impress upon them the importance of living their lives as a gift to God, and using every ounce of this opportunity that they have to be here at Xavier……so I finally finish my diatribe and it was the sweetest thing – too cute not to share….but so there’s dead silence right? not the blank stare – I have no idea what you’re talking about silence…. but the kind where it takes a minute to sit and absorb before the formation of verbal acknowledgement is possible….. and somewhere in between the seconds it took for me to identify the type of silence, and for them to process….from the back of the classroom comes a lone applause that infectiously sweeps through the room, and the whole class erupts…..ha ha – it was absolutely adorable. Now I have yet to look over the exams to determine whether it was a confirmation of comprehension, or just a seized opportunity to get rowdy, but it was an unforgettable moment nonetheless.
The latter could have been a very reasonable explanation as this past weekend was spent celebrating the Xavier Day festivities, so the last thing the students wanted to focus on was exams. Every year around this time the school celebrates the feast day of St. Francis Xavier with alumni, food and heated competitions. 2005-2006 gives special cause for celebration as it is a year of the Jesuit Jubilee – the 500 anniversary of the birth of Blessed Pierre Favre and St. Francis Xavier, and the 450 anniversary of the death of St. Ignatius Loyola. Now to try and explain this day to you would do a great disservice to the energy, the spirit and simply indescribable beauty. The best I can do is to steal the image depicted by Dwyer – my community mate. He said that the feeling that he got from this Saturday was such that if you looked at the world from outer space, Xavier High School, Chuuk, Micronesia, Mabuchi hill could have been spotted. It was radiating so much light, so much fire – that the iridescence would have been very obviously visible, even from that far away. The Kingdom of God was here.
Impossible? Not if you were here. You start the day with mass – in which students transform a dusty, dimly lit rec house into a glorious dwelling place of the Lord. From there you watch all the teams, (My sophomore Orionz class and the Junior class teamed up (team Loyola), and the Senior & Freshman classes team up (Xavier) – and for the first time, the faculty jumped in as team Faber) parade onto the field. Now let me preface this next part by saying that you were woken up earlier today around 6 in the morning by the sound of students chopping down the bamboo just behind your house, and suddenly in this moment as the swarm settles into teams of red, white and Carolina blue you realize why. As three Palauan students step up the mic and begin singing the national anthem of their island nation, the tip of the bamboo stick slowly reveals a Palauan flag being draped from the roof of the building overlooking those gathered for the opening ceremony. As you realize what is going on, you identify the flag bearer, and the senior Palauan assumes his position on the roof securing the lone flag. Next the Marshallese step up and sing their national anthem as their senior Marshallese rep brings his flag forward. Lastly reps from each of the four federated states sing of their allegiance and five other flag bearers step forward, all shirtless with Xavier being spelled out across their chests. You can feel the chills cascade down your back as the poignancy of this image settles in.
The moment escapes you just as quickly as it entered your consciousness, and with that, the games begin. Hours of intense rivalry, trash-talking, faculty humiliation and serious intra-scholastic competition fill the better part of the morning and afternoon. Though you are in your glory with the quasi-track meet type atmosphere, you are equally enthralled by the hot-ramen eating contest, palm leaf basket-weaving contest and dizzy race that provides levity amidst the tension of sparring sides. Even more humorous, but in the cutest way possible is the fact that the faculty, maintenance & repair, and the cooks still don’t number more than 25 – thus relying on the alumni & fans that have come to watch makes for some of the most adorable relay races you’ve ever seen - Older ladies in a dress down past their knees shuffling around the field to pass the stick off to the anchor leg - an older gentleman whose tucked in shirt accentuates his protruding beer belly, but whose smile indicates that he is not phased by the sizable margin he needs to make up to place second to last. You try as best you can to look and act normal, but you can not suppress the pulsating feeling of being very consciously aware of the fact that you are ALIVE –a feeling that spills out through the expression on your face and makes it appear as though you are walking around with a hanger in your mouth! But as you scan the crowd - as you step back for a minute to absorb the glory of the moment, you draw two possible conclusions: either someone is supplying hangers, or the water has been spiked.
As the final events are completed and points tallied, the day closes much the same way it opened – with a crowd gathering around the “podium.” But this time there is no segregation by color. As excited as your Orionz are to have defeated the seniors, it seems inconsequential to the more important ritual underway. If you listen close enough, you can hear bricks caving in, mortar melting, and the fragments crumbling underfoot even as “The World’s Greatest” streams from the speakers.
You know how after a basketball game, two teams of about 12 players each line up for a congratulatory handshake? Ok so instead of a line it’s an enormous mass of people, and instead of twenty four athletes, it’s 150, and instead of a handshake, it’s hugs and tears. For the first time since you’ve been here you are given this outlet for expressing how much these students and these co-workers have affected your life and so you seize the opportunity and follow their lead. It was almost as if you spoke volumes within a span of 7 minutes. To make eye contact with someone, to see the look on their face reciprocating your sentiments, to invite them in by stretching out your arms, and then in a moment of vulnerability collapse into an endless narrative of how beautiful they are by smothering with a very simple, and speechless gesture. There is no need to question motives, not even the slightest motion to second-guess – absolutely nothing inappropriate but the amount of time allotted to “congratulate” an inordinate number of people.
Sitting down does nothing to settle the rush and the words coming from the mic are nothing more than distracting noises in your serene moment. You look at the faces - some of the eyes red from tears. You can relate to the emotion. You wonder what they are thinking. Are they savoring it? Are they trying their best to hold on to what the ephemeral nature of moments this powerful try to steal away. Do they know? How much do they understand? What will they do with it? Where will it take them? Look how gorgeous they are….
The closing speech ends, and as the SBA president gives the instructions, a circle begins to form that spans the entire field. Then in a moment of weakness, you feel the tears start to flood your eyes but you cannot wipe them off your face because your hands are tightly grasped by the two students on either side of you. You recognize the first notes of Amazing Grace and consider chiming in. However, arrested by the pure glimpse of heaven before you resolve to listen, and take it all in.
This past Friday I was reviewing for exams with my freshman class. The bulk of the exam was essays on themes we had covered in the novels that we read, in addition to one of my own personal favorites – ah you know me to well!! Of course I’ve found a way to sneak Living with Passion into the curriculum, and in reviewing I find myself in up on my soapbox going off on this tirade trying to impress upon them the importance of living their lives as a gift to God, and using every ounce of this opportunity that they have to be here at Xavier……so I finally finish my diatribe and it was the sweetest thing – too cute not to share….but so there’s dead silence right? not the blank stare – I have no idea what you’re talking about silence…. but the kind where it takes a minute to sit and absorb before the formation of verbal acknowledgement is possible….. and somewhere in between the seconds it took for me to identify the type of silence, and for them to process….from the back of the classroom comes a lone applause that infectiously sweeps through the room, and the whole class erupts…..ha ha – it was absolutely adorable. Now I have yet to look over the exams to determine whether it was a confirmation of comprehension, or just a seized opportunity to get rowdy, but it was an unforgettable moment nonetheless.
The latter could have been a very reasonable explanation as this past weekend was spent celebrating the Xavier Day festivities, so the last thing the students wanted to focus on was exams. Every year around this time the school celebrates the feast day of St. Francis Xavier with alumni, food and heated competitions. 2005-2006 gives special cause for celebration as it is a year of the Jesuit Jubilee – the 500 anniversary of the birth of Blessed Pierre Favre and St. Francis Xavier, and the 450 anniversary of the death of St. Ignatius Loyola. Now to try and explain this day to you would do a great disservice to the energy, the spirit and simply indescribable beauty. The best I can do is to steal the image depicted by Dwyer – my community mate. He said that the feeling that he got from this Saturday was such that if you looked at the world from outer space, Xavier High School, Chuuk, Micronesia, Mabuchi hill could have been spotted. It was radiating so much light, so much fire – that the iridescence would have been very obviously visible, even from that far away. The Kingdom of God was here.
Impossible? Not if you were here. You start the day with mass – in which students transform a dusty, dimly lit rec house into a glorious dwelling place of the Lord. From there you watch all the teams, (My sophomore Orionz class and the Junior class teamed up (team Loyola), and the Senior & Freshman classes team up (Xavier) – and for the first time, the faculty jumped in as team Faber) parade onto the field. Now let me preface this next part by saying that you were woken up earlier today around 6 in the morning by the sound of students chopping down the bamboo just behind your house, and suddenly in this moment as the swarm settles into teams of red, white and Carolina blue you realize why. As three Palauan students step up the mic and begin singing the national anthem of their island nation, the tip of the bamboo stick slowly reveals a Palauan flag being draped from the roof of the building overlooking those gathered for the opening ceremony. As you realize what is going on, you identify the flag bearer, and the senior Palauan assumes his position on the roof securing the lone flag. Next the Marshallese step up and sing their national anthem as their senior Marshallese rep brings his flag forward. Lastly reps from each of the four federated states sing of their allegiance and five other flag bearers step forward, all shirtless with Xavier being spelled out across their chests. You can feel the chills cascade down your back as the poignancy of this image settles in.
The moment escapes you just as quickly as it entered your consciousness, and with that, the games begin. Hours of intense rivalry, trash-talking, faculty humiliation and serious intra-scholastic competition fill the better part of the morning and afternoon. Though you are in your glory with the quasi-track meet type atmosphere, you are equally enthralled by the hot-ramen eating contest, palm leaf basket-weaving contest and dizzy race that provides levity amidst the tension of sparring sides. Even more humorous, but in the cutest way possible is the fact that the faculty, maintenance & repair, and the cooks still don’t number more than 25 – thus relying on the alumni & fans that have come to watch makes for some of the most adorable relay races you’ve ever seen - Older ladies in a dress down past their knees shuffling around the field to pass the stick off to the anchor leg - an older gentleman whose tucked in shirt accentuates his protruding beer belly, but whose smile indicates that he is not phased by the sizable margin he needs to make up to place second to last. You try as best you can to look and act normal, but you can not suppress the pulsating feeling of being very consciously aware of the fact that you are ALIVE –a feeling that spills out through the expression on your face and makes it appear as though you are walking around with a hanger in your mouth! But as you scan the crowd - as you step back for a minute to absorb the glory of the moment, you draw two possible conclusions: either someone is supplying hangers, or the water has been spiked.
As the final events are completed and points tallied, the day closes much the same way it opened – with a crowd gathering around the “podium.” But this time there is no segregation by color. As excited as your Orionz are to have defeated the seniors, it seems inconsequential to the more important ritual underway. If you listen close enough, you can hear bricks caving in, mortar melting, and the fragments crumbling underfoot even as “The World’s Greatest” streams from the speakers.
You know how after a basketball game, two teams of about 12 players each line up for a congratulatory handshake? Ok so instead of a line it’s an enormous mass of people, and instead of twenty four athletes, it’s 150, and instead of a handshake, it’s hugs and tears. For the first time since you’ve been here you are given this outlet for expressing how much these students and these co-workers have affected your life and so you seize the opportunity and follow their lead. It was almost as if you spoke volumes within a span of 7 minutes. To make eye contact with someone, to see the look on their face reciprocating your sentiments, to invite them in by stretching out your arms, and then in a moment of vulnerability collapse into an endless narrative of how beautiful they are by smothering with a very simple, and speechless gesture. There is no need to question motives, not even the slightest motion to second-guess – absolutely nothing inappropriate but the amount of time allotted to “congratulate” an inordinate number of people.
Sitting down does nothing to settle the rush and the words coming from the mic are nothing more than distracting noises in your serene moment. You look at the faces - some of the eyes red from tears. You can relate to the emotion. You wonder what they are thinking. Are they savoring it? Are they trying their best to hold on to what the ephemeral nature of moments this powerful try to steal away. Do they know? How much do they understand? What will they do with it? Where will it take them? Look how gorgeous they are….
The closing speech ends, and as the SBA president gives the instructions, a circle begins to form that spans the entire field. Then in a moment of weakness, you feel the tears start to flood your eyes but you cannot wipe them off your face because your hands are tightly grasped by the two students on either side of you. You recognize the first notes of Amazing Grace and consider chiming in. However, arrested by the pure glimpse of heaven before you resolve to listen, and take it all in.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Falling
Falling
I’ve been told to be careful. I’ve been told not to go looking for it. I’ve been told that it will come when I least expect it. I’ve been told that if it happens to you, it’s like nothing you’ve ever felt before. I’ve been told it only comes once in a lifetime. I trusted it would happen sooner or later…I have fallen in love. I was careful, but I suppose I did go looking for it. It is a love I’ve never felt before but I hope and pray that it is not limited to just this once….Beautiful brown eyes, that as dark as they are do not come close to masking the fire within them. They exude an irrepressible passion. A personality so alive and willing to make manifest all that lies within. A humility still teetering the line between modesty and confidence. A multitude of talents each complemented by the desire to pursue and cultivate. Smile like the sun. 5’4. Her name is Lu-A.
For our JVI retreat this year, we decided to hike up to the top of Wetipon – the 2nd tallest mountain (if you want to call it that) on Weno…camp out for the night and then the next day do a walking stations of the cross around the island. We were supposed to leave around 4:30 on Friday to try and get up there before dark. On this particular Friday, right after school let out around 3:00 – my precious Lu-A stepped into my office and we began chatting. For those of you who haven’t met Lu-A yet, she is one of the smartest, most athletically talented and beautiful Palauan freshman at Xavier. She’s the top in her class, co-captain of the basketball team, and one of the stars not to mention one of the most articulate and genuine kids here.
So this afternoon, the conversation just came out of left field and brought me to my knees. We started just talking about basketball I think, and it spiraled into this heartfelt conversation about her family, her parents, how she came here to Xavier – what it was like to say goodbye to her niece…. how her father was crying as he let her go….. then she started crying – and I started crying (as unsuccessfully as I tried not to) – but it was absolutely beautiful….just to see and feel that raw emotion – and to be able to relate to it. It was not just the leaving – I mean obviously – all of us here have gone through that in some way – leaving all that is familiar – leaving part of our identity for the sake of becoming part of this new community here at Xavier. I have no room to complain about that – or even praise myself …..these kids are doing it at 14 – I should be able to handle it at 22!! But I could empathize with her in knowing what it’s like to have parents, to have people at home who are soo proud of you…and who don’t just tell you…..but who show you they love you in every way they know how…….
After trying desperately to pick up the pieces of my melted heart off the floor, I was rushing around throwing stuff in a bag for the night……we left around 5:00…and timed our hike perfectly such that we crested the mountain in time to see the sun setting. We claimed our ground at this rocky clearing and just soaked it in…….my words fail me here……….we could look out over the island – we could see Xavier down below. We could see nothing but horizon out ahead. We could see nothing but vastness speckled with millions of nascent stars overhead.
A hearty dinner of spaghettio’s cooked on our hard-earned fire satisfied us enough to gaze out on the lagoon in reflection for the rest of the evening. One of my community mates led reflection, and after he was finished, he pulled out this envelope filled with letters. Apparently, he had gone around and asked the students to write if they wanted to say a few words to us on our retreat. If I wasn’t floored already, I hit a new all time low (and by low I mean ultimate HIGH) It was absolutely amazing – for him to think of that, and for so many students to cooperate with him. A whole school of high school students showing me the Lord’s face. I thought I was supposed to be their source of guidance, their teacher, their mentor. I seriously underestimated the Lord and his vessels.
Hi Jacky! How are you? I hope you really enjoy your retreat. Remember to open and share to those people that come with you, an also trust them. Please remember all of the Orionz (My sophomore class!) in your prayers especially me to that God may help us to improve our grades next quarter. Anyways, thanks for everything that you have done for us during the first quarter. And to be honest, the Orionz really consider you as our mom and we really love you. Okay bye love always Bireen Francis #22 God Bless You!!
* * *
We fell asleep under the stars. From where we were laying, even the STARS reflected in the water. Now I’ve seen moonbeams bouncing off the water, but never stars….. yes – EVEN the stars!!!!! I’ll admit I’ve slept on softer ground – I woke up periodically trying to find the best way to fit my back comfortable into the groove of the rocks. But it wasn’t an annoying disturbance, because each time I woke up – I looked up, and looked out and was gently reminded of where I was. Once it started getting light out, I went around and woke everyone else up to let them know the sun was rising…..groggily we all sat at the edge of the mountain and watched it rise together…….. ha ha – yeah I know……where am I?
No seriously, where am I? How is it that I was chosen to be here? I left trying to escape the status and the privilege that only a small minority of this world enjoy. While I’ll never completely be able to disentangle myself from it, I’ve somehow found myself more deeply steeped in it… to be surrounded by the amazing people here – to be able to live in and explore a natural paradise…. I’m even more privileged being here… So much so that I often question how it is that I am working for social justice. It doesn’t feel like service – is that because there eventually becomes an every dayness about it??? Or is that because in actuality, it’s really not service at all?? I came here thinking it would be service – fulfilling my devotion to the Lord – serving his people. That was the draw of JVI, but once I got here – to my dismay, I find out it’s all just a ploy – for the Lord to get me out here so that He can bless me with even more. That frustrates me – being tricked.
* * *
I once went to Fries, Va. with a very wise man - Dr. Dickie Flerg his name. Months….even years later he continues to touch my life… Greg Mellor sent me a beautiful letter a few weeks ago just before we left for our faculty retreat. (oh yeah so our faculty retreat 2 weeks earlier– the best way I could describe it:
You are on a private secluded beach looking out at the crystal blue water speckled with tiny distant islands on the horizon. The only obstruction - the coconut trees that frame your panorama. They not only drape into your peripheral vision, but they surround you on all sides forming this protective layer between you and the intrusive sun. The breeze sweeps over you, rinsing your soul – becoming one with your breath. The sun’s rays mercilessly seize control of the defenseless clouds who surrender to shades of lavender and rose. You dig your feet into the sand in preparation for the spectacle that is about to take place. A voice gently lures you back to the reality at hand, “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.” And mass begins. mmm yeah kind of like that!!)
On a double sided sheet of blue paper he sent a lovely poem written by one of the prisoners he worked with in Sacramento. Through God’s providence, I did not flip the paper over to see the contents of the other side until a moment when it would touch me most deeply. Thank you Greg, for your forethought, and your ability to let God use you to show others His face!!
The paper spilled out of my journal and it was 2 weeks later – after this JVI retreat weekend that I saw there was another side to the paper, and read these words….
Trust the Slow Work of God
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
We are, quite naturally,
impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being
on the way to something unknown,
something new,
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability
And that it may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually
let them grow,
let them shape themselves,
without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today
what time (that is to say, grace and
circumstances acting on your own good will)
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
an accept the anxiety of
feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.
I know its much easier said than done. What I expected, and wanted to happen quickly and instantly has taken over three months to come to fruition, and it’s still only a fraction of a tip of the iceburg. The road is so long, and so often there is no end in sight, with no tangible consolation or reassurance. But TRUST the process. Give God the time He needs to work within you. Of course I have so much ahead of me, the hardest I’m sure I’ve yet to face, however these moments, this weekend has inspired a renewed patience, a revived belief, an invigorated trust in His slow work.
I’ve been told to be careful. I’ve been told not to go looking for it. I’ve been told that it will come when I least expect it. I’ve been told that if it happens to you, it’s like nothing you’ve ever felt before. I’ve been told it only comes once in a lifetime. I trusted it would happen sooner or later…I have fallen in love. I was careful, but I suppose I did go looking for it. It is a love I’ve never felt before but I hope and pray that it is not limited to just this once….Beautiful brown eyes, that as dark as they are do not come close to masking the fire within them. They exude an irrepressible passion. A personality so alive and willing to make manifest all that lies within. A humility still teetering the line between modesty and confidence. A multitude of talents each complemented by the desire to pursue and cultivate. Smile like the sun. 5’4. Her name is Lu-A.
For our JVI retreat this year, we decided to hike up to the top of Wetipon – the 2nd tallest mountain (if you want to call it that) on Weno…camp out for the night and then the next day do a walking stations of the cross around the island. We were supposed to leave around 4:30 on Friday to try and get up there before dark. On this particular Friday, right after school let out around 3:00 – my precious Lu-A stepped into my office and we began chatting. For those of you who haven’t met Lu-A yet, she is one of the smartest, most athletically talented and beautiful Palauan freshman at Xavier. She’s the top in her class, co-captain of the basketball team, and one of the stars not to mention one of the most articulate and genuine kids here.
So this afternoon, the conversation just came out of left field and brought me to my knees. We started just talking about basketball I think, and it spiraled into this heartfelt conversation about her family, her parents, how she came here to Xavier – what it was like to say goodbye to her niece…. how her father was crying as he let her go….. then she started crying – and I started crying (as unsuccessfully as I tried not to) – but it was absolutely beautiful….just to see and feel that raw emotion – and to be able to relate to it. It was not just the leaving – I mean obviously – all of us here have gone through that in some way – leaving all that is familiar – leaving part of our identity for the sake of becoming part of this new community here at Xavier. I have no room to complain about that – or even praise myself …..these kids are doing it at 14 – I should be able to handle it at 22!! But I could empathize with her in knowing what it’s like to have parents, to have people at home who are soo proud of you…and who don’t just tell you…..but who show you they love you in every way they know how…….
After trying desperately to pick up the pieces of my melted heart off the floor, I was rushing around throwing stuff in a bag for the night……we left around 5:00…and timed our hike perfectly such that we crested the mountain in time to see the sun setting. We claimed our ground at this rocky clearing and just soaked it in…….my words fail me here……….we could look out over the island – we could see Xavier down below. We could see nothing but horizon out ahead. We could see nothing but vastness speckled with millions of nascent stars overhead.
A hearty dinner of spaghettio’s cooked on our hard-earned fire satisfied us enough to gaze out on the lagoon in reflection for the rest of the evening. One of my community mates led reflection, and after he was finished, he pulled out this envelope filled with letters. Apparently, he had gone around and asked the students to write if they wanted to say a few words to us on our retreat. If I wasn’t floored already, I hit a new all time low (and by low I mean ultimate HIGH) It was absolutely amazing – for him to think of that, and for so many students to cooperate with him. A whole school of high school students showing me the Lord’s face. I thought I was supposed to be their source of guidance, their teacher, their mentor. I seriously underestimated the Lord and his vessels.
Hi Jacky! How are you? I hope you really enjoy your retreat. Remember to open and share to those people that come with you, an also trust them. Please remember all of the Orionz (My sophomore class!) in your prayers especially me to that God may help us to improve our grades next quarter. Anyways, thanks for everything that you have done for us during the first quarter. And to be honest, the Orionz really consider you as our mom and we really love you. Okay bye love always Bireen Francis #22 God Bless You!!
* * *
We fell asleep under the stars. From where we were laying, even the STARS reflected in the water. Now I’ve seen moonbeams bouncing off the water, but never stars….. yes – EVEN the stars!!!!! I’ll admit I’ve slept on softer ground – I woke up periodically trying to find the best way to fit my back comfortable into the groove of the rocks. But it wasn’t an annoying disturbance, because each time I woke up – I looked up, and looked out and was gently reminded of where I was. Once it started getting light out, I went around and woke everyone else up to let them know the sun was rising…..groggily we all sat at the edge of the mountain and watched it rise together…….. ha ha – yeah I know……where am I?
No seriously, where am I? How is it that I was chosen to be here? I left trying to escape the status and the privilege that only a small minority of this world enjoy. While I’ll never completely be able to disentangle myself from it, I’ve somehow found myself more deeply steeped in it… to be surrounded by the amazing people here – to be able to live in and explore a natural paradise…. I’m even more privileged being here… So much so that I often question how it is that I am working for social justice. It doesn’t feel like service – is that because there eventually becomes an every dayness about it??? Or is that because in actuality, it’s really not service at all?? I came here thinking it would be service – fulfilling my devotion to the Lord – serving his people. That was the draw of JVI, but once I got here – to my dismay, I find out it’s all just a ploy – for the Lord to get me out here so that He can bless me with even more. That frustrates me – being tricked.
* * *
I once went to Fries, Va. with a very wise man - Dr. Dickie Flerg his name. Months….even years later he continues to touch my life… Greg Mellor sent me a beautiful letter a few weeks ago just before we left for our faculty retreat. (oh yeah so our faculty retreat 2 weeks earlier– the best way I could describe it:
You are on a private secluded beach looking out at the crystal blue water speckled with tiny distant islands on the horizon. The only obstruction - the coconut trees that frame your panorama. They not only drape into your peripheral vision, but they surround you on all sides forming this protective layer between you and the intrusive sun. The breeze sweeps over you, rinsing your soul – becoming one with your breath. The sun’s rays mercilessly seize control of the defenseless clouds who surrender to shades of lavender and rose. You dig your feet into the sand in preparation for the spectacle that is about to take place. A voice gently lures you back to the reality at hand, “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.” And mass begins. mmm yeah kind of like that!!)
On a double sided sheet of blue paper he sent a lovely poem written by one of the prisoners he worked with in Sacramento. Through God’s providence, I did not flip the paper over to see the contents of the other side until a moment when it would touch me most deeply. Thank you Greg, for your forethought, and your ability to let God use you to show others His face!!
The paper spilled out of my journal and it was 2 weeks later – after this JVI retreat weekend that I saw there was another side to the paper, and read these words….
Trust the Slow Work of God
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
We are, quite naturally,
impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being
on the way to something unknown,
something new,
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability
And that it may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually
let them grow,
let them shape themselves,
without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today
what time (that is to say, grace and
circumstances acting on your own good will)
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
an accept the anxiety of
feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.
I know its much easier said than done. What I expected, and wanted to happen quickly and instantly has taken over three months to come to fruition, and it’s still only a fraction of a tip of the iceburg. The road is so long, and so often there is no end in sight, with no tangible consolation or reassurance. But TRUST the process. Give God the time He needs to work within you. Of course I have so much ahead of me, the hardest I’m sure I’ve yet to face, however these moments, this weekend has inspired a renewed patience, a revived belief, an invigorated trust in His slow work.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Whatnot
I know that given the irony of my situation - fooling these unsuspecting freshman and sophomores into actually believing my convincing performance as a literature teacher - one would assume that embarrassing/funny stories would inevitably come with the territory. Besides who am I to object to a little levity in the classroom?
So my sophomores (and myself only a few steps ahead!) have been wandering through the trials and triumphs of the legendary Odysseus in his epic tale of The Odyssey. One can never be sure just HOW much the students are absorbing, especially since very few like to step up and ask questions. The English skills teacher and I had decided to team up in using some themes from The Odyssey for a graded writing assignment in his class. Now you have to understand that high schoolers at any age have an uncanny ability not so much to always absorb the information you are giving them, but to absorb little things about the way you talk, the words you use or quirky mannerisms. So the English skills teacher was talking with the sophomores about this assignment and inquired into what the word “Whatnot” meant. Apparently this is a word I use quite frequently without even knowing it – I suppose like a stall word. So they were like “Yeah Jaclyn uses it all the time and we’re not quite sure what it means.” So Chris responded, “well it means the same thing as saying etc. – do you know what that means?”
“Yeah. Ok. Now that makes sense – for a while I thought Whatnot was another character in the story!!!” J
“It is not an abundance of knowledge that fills and satisfies the soul but rather an interior understanding and savoring of things.” ~St. Ignatius Loyola (given to me by the one and only Trent Pomplun!!THANK YOUU!!) Mmmmm how true!
So my sophomores (and myself only a few steps ahead!) have been wandering through the trials and triumphs of the legendary Odysseus in his epic tale of The Odyssey. One can never be sure just HOW much the students are absorbing, especially since very few like to step up and ask questions. The English skills teacher and I had decided to team up in using some themes from The Odyssey for a graded writing assignment in his class. Now you have to understand that high schoolers at any age have an uncanny ability not so much to always absorb the information you are giving them, but to absorb little things about the way you talk, the words you use or quirky mannerisms. So the English skills teacher was talking with the sophomores about this assignment and inquired into what the word “Whatnot” meant. Apparently this is a word I use quite frequently without even knowing it – I suppose like a stall word. So they were like “Yeah Jaclyn uses it all the time and we’re not quite sure what it means.” So Chris responded, “well it means the same thing as saying etc. – do you know what that means?”
“Yeah. Ok. Now that makes sense – for a while I thought Whatnot was another character in the story!!!” J
“It is not an abundance of knowledge that fills and satisfies the soul but rather an interior understanding and savoring of things.” ~St. Ignatius Loyola (given to me by the one and only Trent Pomplun!!THANK YOUU!!) Mmmmm how true!
Lucent Obstruction
Perhaps the idea was delusional - coming to Chuuk and instantly being welcomed into the community, falling in love with the land - the people and living in solidarity with the Chuukese natives, all the while approaching the day when I could say I had finally begun to fit in. The more I learn about the culture here in Chuuk, the harder the realization is to accept that there is simply no such thing as fitting in. Of course I can wear the traditional dress – long, beautifully ornate skirts and dresses that flow well below the knee so as to conceal the sexually suggestive part of the female anatomy; I can gradually acquire a taste for the breadfruit, coconuts, tarot, tapioca and bananas that grow in abundance; I can even learn how to brandish their “local utensils” (your fingers!); I can allow my body to acclimate itself to the perpetual summer humidity; I can accept the ostentatious display in the heavens – the means by which the Lord closes the day as part of the standard routine; I can act naturally while riding in the bed of a pickup truck like I’ve been doing it for years; I can hone the skill of scaling palm trees, and within minutes be on the ground enjoying the succulence of a fresh coconut; I can deal with the scarcity of paper products (ie: paper towels, toilet paper etc…) and I can become indifferent to sudden or prolonged losses of power; I can embrace the crater size divots that hinder any trips by vehicle into town. I can enjoy the beauty of a star-studded sky complete with neighboring planets and a lucid glimpse of the Milky Way. I can be taught to skin sea cucumbers, search for octopus and spear fish in order to prepare a special off-island picnic. I can allow my feet to become calloused from walking around barefoot. I can get used to the “island time” where time is not so much a constraining factor, but rather something found in limitless quantities – not to be rushed or defined by inflexibility and deadlines. I can appreciate the sounds of island percussion produced synthetically on an electronic keyboard - inextricably connected to Chuukese music. I can devise innovative ways of handling my fear of bugs, spiders and cockroaches. I can practice patience on the nights that are too hot to enjoy a peaceful slumber. I can readjust my sorely limited color spectrum to now include vibrant greens and cool blues in shades Crayola won’t market for decades. I can cultivate and even greater sense of creativity to compensate for lack of resources and lack of visual stimulation (ie: TV, media). I can force myself to adapt to the roles that demand my willingness to fill – such as posing as a literature teacher. I can humble myself to eat off the floor at my sponsor family’s home. I can quell my intense fear of dogs and learn how to fend them off by making an offensive motion and throwing rocks at them. I can revel in the fact that the island of Weno never sees a cloudless blue sky – in the event that I would need something to grab hold of to drift away. I can internalize the impoverished surroundings – one room shanties with tin, rusted roves situated right on the water to make for a convenient sanitation system, a cooking area a few steps away from the house – not far from the pig pen; clothes – tattered men’s XL shirts all the way down to the toddler’s tighty whities strung across the line, with the extras draped over the tin fence serving as somewhat of a buffer between the road and the property. I can master the art of the bucket shower so as to conserve water when it hasn’t rained in quite some time….I can find the time to listen. I can continue to challenge myself. I can ask questions. I can stare into the eyes of the people here and long to understand their story….
and even after all that, I still won’t fit in…….
I will never be able to completely master all of the intricacies of this complex language. I will never be able to entirely understand the difference between the language men are entitled to use to talk to each other, and the common language that includes women. I will never be able to completely reject my tendency to gravitate towards the comfortable. I will never be able to completely adopt their ability to share under the unspoken code that “what’s mine is ours.” I will never be able to run through town without children stopping mid-sentence, mid-game, mid-reverie and staring with mouths agape as I pass by. I will never be able to entirely dissipate my ingrained hierarchy that exists between the community and the individual. I will never be able to look at a pile of 68 rubber bands and string them together in a way only a Chuukese child could so as to fashion a bar over which children can jump – providing hours of entertainment. I will never be able to successfully navigate the numerous cultural taboos that exist between genders. I will never be able to “blend in” as the only white person in a room full of natively tanned Chuukese. I will never be able to escape the system in which the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, for as a teacher in the most prominent High School in Micronesia, situated on the pedestal the locals call Mabuchi Hill – I find myself facing the same dilemma that motivated my departure from the U.S. I will never be able to understand what it is like to never venture beyond the confines of 20 square miles. I will never be able to accept the fact that by virtue of the location and economic situation, Chuuk is a place that renders college degrees more trouble than their worth. I will never be able to empathize with the feelings of hopelessness and despair that leave the inhabitants of Chuuk earning the distinction of posting the world’s highest suicide rate.
I suppose that fitting in was never a legitimate goal to begin with. But that leaves me asking the question – where do I fit in? I recognize that impossibility is not an excuse for apathy, but what is it that I am trying for? If I will forever be on the outside looking through this glass pane, what good am I doing other than posing as the threat that could shatter their protective encasement? Can I truly touch someone’s life through this lucent obstruction?
“I have nothing to do today but smile” ~Garden State Soundtrack
and even after all that, I still won’t fit in…….
I will never be able to completely master all of the intricacies of this complex language. I will never be able to entirely understand the difference between the language men are entitled to use to talk to each other, and the common language that includes women. I will never be able to completely reject my tendency to gravitate towards the comfortable. I will never be able to completely adopt their ability to share under the unspoken code that “what’s mine is ours.” I will never be able to run through town without children stopping mid-sentence, mid-game, mid-reverie and staring with mouths agape as I pass by. I will never be able to entirely dissipate my ingrained hierarchy that exists between the community and the individual. I will never be able to look at a pile of 68 rubber bands and string them together in a way only a Chuukese child could so as to fashion a bar over which children can jump – providing hours of entertainment. I will never be able to successfully navigate the numerous cultural taboos that exist between genders. I will never be able to “blend in” as the only white person in a room full of natively tanned Chuukese. I will never be able to escape the system in which the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, for as a teacher in the most prominent High School in Micronesia, situated on the pedestal the locals call Mabuchi Hill – I find myself facing the same dilemma that motivated my departure from the U.S. I will never be able to understand what it is like to never venture beyond the confines of 20 square miles. I will never be able to accept the fact that by virtue of the location and economic situation, Chuuk is a place that renders college degrees more trouble than their worth. I will never be able to empathize with the feelings of hopelessness and despair that leave the inhabitants of Chuuk earning the distinction of posting the world’s highest suicide rate.
I suppose that fitting in was never a legitimate goal to begin with. But that leaves me asking the question – where do I fit in? I recognize that impossibility is not an excuse for apathy, but what is it that I am trying for? If I will forever be on the outside looking through this glass pane, what good am I doing other than posing as the threat that could shatter their protective encasement? Can I truly touch someone’s life through this lucent obstruction?
“I have nothing to do today but smile” ~Garden State Soundtrack
Dilluchei
Her name is Dilluchei Kikuo and she goes by LuA. She nearly brought me to tears. Every Wednesday morning is a sponsored mass. One week by the seniors, next by the juniors and so on. This week was the Freshman sponsored mass. This girl is absolutely beautiful - one of my athletes on the basketball team, one of the brightest in my class....we even share a common bond - our love of Winnie the Pooh.....Sometimes God works through people when we least expect it. She delivered a message this particular Wednesday that I so desperately needed to hear. If she can do it at 14, there is no reason that I can't do it at 22.
Wednesday September 28, 2005
The Gospel of Luke 9: 57-62
As Jesus and his disciples were making their way along, someone said to Jesus, “I will be your follower wherever you go.” Jesus said to him, “Te foxes have lairs, the birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Come after me.” The man replied, “Let me bury my father first.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their dead; come away and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said to him, “ I will be your follower, Lord, but first let me take leave of my people at home.” Jesus answered him, “Whoever puts his hand to the plow but keeps looking back is unfit for the reign of God.”
LuA’s Homily
Upon reflecting on the Gospel, the only thing that comes to my mind is leaving things behind. I consider us who are here right now courageous, ambitious and brave people. Why? It’s because we lefts our homes and everything and we all came to this one place for the same purpose. That is to continue our journey of learning and to further our education. It is not easy, that I know. But still, we mustered up enough courage to come. We left our loved ones and families who we love so much and enjoy being in their presence. We left our friends, whom some of us have known since our younger years and who have been our companions through the obstacles we’ve faced in our lives. We left the good things that can only be found back home. I don’t know about you, but in my case, I miss the food back at home. I bet the Palauans here are already tired of me saying, I really want to go back home because I really miss eating Bemermii, pizza, chicken nuggets and ice cream. Bemermii are these cheeseburger and fried back home that taste so incredibly good. When I was departing from Palau with my cousin, Kendall, he brought Bemermii with him. It was a midnight flight, so everybody was sleeping. But Kendall and I were really busy eating and enjoying. Then I kind of thought, “Man I cant believe this is going to be the last time for me to eat Bemermii this year.” I grew worried, but still I came, and I’m glad I did. I feel privileged to have come to this school. Anyway, not only food and families, we also had to leave behind our bad attitudes and behaviors that are of no use here. All we bring is our true selves. We bring the qualities that best define and show who we really are. on top of that, we also bring fond memories of home. Not to make us feel homesick, but to encourage us to do well and succeed in everything we do. So like Bryant said last week, Hang Loose. Don’t hold on too tight to your tree. For if you do, you may not hear God’s voice in your life. Hang Loose and let go of your tree, so you may answer God’s calling and carry out His will.
Thank You
Wednesday September 28, 2005
The Gospel of Luke 9: 57-62
As Jesus and his disciples were making their way along, someone said to Jesus, “I will be your follower wherever you go.” Jesus said to him, “Te foxes have lairs, the birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Come after me.” The man replied, “Let me bury my father first.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their dead; come away and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said to him, “ I will be your follower, Lord, but first let me take leave of my people at home.” Jesus answered him, “Whoever puts his hand to the plow but keeps looking back is unfit for the reign of God.”
LuA’s Homily
Upon reflecting on the Gospel, the only thing that comes to my mind is leaving things behind. I consider us who are here right now courageous, ambitious and brave people. Why? It’s because we lefts our homes and everything and we all came to this one place for the same purpose. That is to continue our journey of learning and to further our education. It is not easy, that I know. But still, we mustered up enough courage to come. We left our loved ones and families who we love so much and enjoy being in their presence. We left our friends, whom some of us have known since our younger years and who have been our companions through the obstacles we’ve faced in our lives. We left the good things that can only be found back home. I don’t know about you, but in my case, I miss the food back at home. I bet the Palauans here are already tired of me saying, I really want to go back home because I really miss eating Bemermii, pizza, chicken nuggets and ice cream. Bemermii are these cheeseburger and fried back home that taste so incredibly good. When I was departing from Palau with my cousin, Kendall, he brought Bemermii with him. It was a midnight flight, so everybody was sleeping. But Kendall and I were really busy eating and enjoying. Then I kind of thought, “Man I cant believe this is going to be the last time for me to eat Bemermii this year.” I grew worried, but still I came, and I’m glad I did. I feel privileged to have come to this school. Anyway, not only food and families, we also had to leave behind our bad attitudes and behaviors that are of no use here. All we bring is our true selves. We bring the qualities that best define and show who we really are. on top of that, we also bring fond memories of home. Not to make us feel homesick, but to encourage us to do well and succeed in everything we do. So like Bryant said last week, Hang Loose. Don’t hold on too tight to your tree. For if you do, you may not hear God’s voice in your life. Hang Loose and let go of your tree, so you may answer God’s calling and carry out His will.
Thank You
Sunday, September 25, 2005
2?
Ask any person and they’ll tell you five. The average individual has five fairly functional senses. While I am not going to dispute this statement, I’ve come to realize that for all these years, I’ve skirted by on two. This is not to sound ungrateful for my ability to see the finish line before me, to take note of the inflection in my favorite country song, to feel the shoulder of the person next to me beneath my hand, to smell the sweet fragrance of gingersnaps and goodness knows I do not take for granted my ability to taste them. However, since I have been here, I have become acutely aware of my “handicap” and consequential hindered ability to interpret my surroundings.
I knew it all along, but perhaps could not completely understand the extent to which I relied on the sense of human touch, and the sense of emotive expression until they were in short supply. There are few things that can parallel being wrapped up within the personal space between someone’s two arms. It is such a perfectly genuine expression of love. Not that this place isn’t full of love, but to feel comfortable enough to invade another’s boundary of security, and to let them in turn break through yours requires a mutual sense of love and trust that I think I have yet to find. These things take time. Relationships don’t just happen, but require cultivation and devotion. Creating a comfort zone demands an extensive amount of patience and discomfort. Of all the things that I miss here, being deprived of the human touch that came so abundantly and naturally at home is perhaps what I crave the most. Being able to hug someone because it’s the only way you know how to show them how beautiful they are….not having to think twice about a cultural taboo before or after shaking someone’s hand…..not having to determine whether someone else’s touch is inseparable from some ulterior motive….deriving strength from the blatant defiance of all biological principles – an immediate transference no simpler than through a point of contact….
And at those moments of pure vulnerability, or even ecstasy, I know no other outlet than through my emotions. However, Chuukese culture does not find the same gratification in the expression of emotion. That is not to say stoicism is the norm, as they are very animated, but when it comes to the manifestation of grief, or joy, I feel as though there is a discrepancy between they way they experience the world, and the extremes through which I have been accustomed to absorbing life. Thus, I often find myself suppressing tears, hiding stares of amazement, or stifling outbursts of excitement. I know that in time, I will find a medium through which to release all that is pent up within, but to be honest, I don’t want to compromise.
I knew it all along, but perhaps could not completely understand the extent to which I relied on the sense of human touch, and the sense of emotive expression until they were in short supply. There are few things that can parallel being wrapped up within the personal space between someone’s two arms. It is such a perfectly genuine expression of love. Not that this place isn’t full of love, but to feel comfortable enough to invade another’s boundary of security, and to let them in turn break through yours requires a mutual sense of love and trust that I think I have yet to find. These things take time. Relationships don’t just happen, but require cultivation and devotion. Creating a comfort zone demands an extensive amount of patience and discomfort. Of all the things that I miss here, being deprived of the human touch that came so abundantly and naturally at home is perhaps what I crave the most. Being able to hug someone because it’s the only way you know how to show them how beautiful they are….not having to think twice about a cultural taboo before or after shaking someone’s hand…..not having to determine whether someone else’s touch is inseparable from some ulterior motive….deriving strength from the blatant defiance of all biological principles – an immediate transference no simpler than through a point of contact….
And at those moments of pure vulnerability, or even ecstasy, I know no other outlet than through my emotions. However, Chuukese culture does not find the same gratification in the expression of emotion. That is not to say stoicism is the norm, as they are very animated, but when it comes to the manifestation of grief, or joy, I feel as though there is a discrepancy between they way they experience the world, and the extremes through which I have been accustomed to absorbing life. Thus, I often find myself suppressing tears, hiding stares of amazement, or stifling outbursts of excitement. I know that in time, I will find a medium through which to release all that is pent up within, but to be honest, I don’t want to compromise.
Life is the Only Wealth
The question was “What do YOU THINK is meant by the phrase Apollo says to Midas Life is the only wealth? What values would make you wealthy?”
The one response that stood out from the rest…..
In the story, Apollo told Midas that life is the only wealth, meaning there is nothing greater or more wonderful than life itself. You don’t need gold or riches to have a great life, for life itself is the only wealth. You can find your own wealth, riches and treasures in the life that you live every-day. In the story, Midas considered gold as his only wealth. To him, having a lot of gold made him wealthy. He didn’t know that his life was a wealth. Without life, he was nothing. His life is what made him rich and wealthy. Midas thought that gold should only be given to the rich and important people.
When I read the story of “Midas” and finished, I knew that I had really learned something valuable. It is true that life itself is the only wealth. To some other people, they might value and consider other things as their wealth in life. To me, my life was a gift given to me by God and what I do with my life is my gift to God. At this age, I might consider other things as my wealth in life, but so far I only have one thing that I consider as my most greatest wealth in life. That wealth is God. To me, knowing God and knowing that he died to save me is like having all the riches in the world. To me I don’t need gold or riches to keep me full of gold and an empty heart is nothing but a worthless life. We should all know that we were brought into this world with a purpose. We each have our lives to live to the fullest. We have to make use of the short time that we are given to live our lives. Accomplish all that we need to accomplish in life and know that life is a gift and a wealth that can only been seen as it if you look at it as a gift from above. Put God first in your life. Let him show you the way. And in that way, you can see that life is the only wealth in just a blink of an eye.
~Teresita Laarwon
My response….
Teresita ~ you are wise beyond your years. What you have so beautifully written about at the age of 15, most people don’t learn in a lifetime. You have a very special gift. I look at you and all I see is “wealth”… and because you are so filled with His wealth, you in turn make others “wealthy” by showing them His face…. “The Kingdom of God is within YOU”… This was the best essay that I have read. AWESOME doesn’t begin to describe it. I hope you continue to write with this passion and I hope you don’t mind if I share it with the class….
I wish that I could take credit….I wish I could say that I spent a whole lesson on teaching my freshman how life is truly the only wealth and that these words are the combined result of my articulate presentation and their captivated absorption. However, their thoughts and ideas come from none other than their mature interpretation. I simply extracted one line of a Greek myth and posed the question. What this girl has so beautifully articulated at the age of 15, some people never learn, never appreciate and never devote themselves to discovering, or reciprocating. These kids are amazing. There is so much beauty, so much talent and so much life within them. Whether it is a passion for life, an incredible aptitude for music or a magnetic personality, they are so filled with an abundance of gifts. Where do I fit in the process of reciprocity?
The one response that stood out from the rest…..
In the story, Apollo told Midas that life is the only wealth, meaning there is nothing greater or more wonderful than life itself. You don’t need gold or riches to have a great life, for life itself is the only wealth. You can find your own wealth, riches and treasures in the life that you live every-day. In the story, Midas considered gold as his only wealth. To him, having a lot of gold made him wealthy. He didn’t know that his life was a wealth. Without life, he was nothing. His life is what made him rich and wealthy. Midas thought that gold should only be given to the rich and important people.
When I read the story of “Midas” and finished, I knew that I had really learned something valuable. It is true that life itself is the only wealth. To some other people, they might value and consider other things as their wealth in life. To me, my life was a gift given to me by God and what I do with my life is my gift to God. At this age, I might consider other things as my wealth in life, but so far I only have one thing that I consider as my most greatest wealth in life. That wealth is God. To me, knowing God and knowing that he died to save me is like having all the riches in the world. To me I don’t need gold or riches to keep me full of gold and an empty heart is nothing but a worthless life. We should all know that we were brought into this world with a purpose. We each have our lives to live to the fullest. We have to make use of the short time that we are given to live our lives. Accomplish all that we need to accomplish in life and know that life is a gift and a wealth that can only been seen as it if you look at it as a gift from above. Put God first in your life. Let him show you the way. And in that way, you can see that life is the only wealth in just a blink of an eye.
~Teresita Laarwon
My response….
Teresita ~ you are wise beyond your years. What you have so beautifully written about at the age of 15, most people don’t learn in a lifetime. You have a very special gift. I look at you and all I see is “wealth”… and because you are so filled with His wealth, you in turn make others “wealthy” by showing them His face…. “The Kingdom of God is within YOU”… This was the best essay that I have read. AWESOME doesn’t begin to describe it. I hope you continue to write with this passion and I hope you don’t mind if I share it with the class….
I wish that I could take credit….I wish I could say that I spent a whole lesson on teaching my freshman how life is truly the only wealth and that these words are the combined result of my articulate presentation and their captivated absorption. However, their thoughts and ideas come from none other than their mature interpretation. I simply extracted one line of a Greek myth and posed the question. What this girl has so beautifully articulated at the age of 15, some people never learn, never appreciate and never devote themselves to discovering, or reciprocating. These kids are amazing. There is so much beauty, so much talent and so much life within them. Whether it is a passion for life, an incredible aptitude for music or a magnetic personality, they are so filled with an abundance of gifts. Where do I fit in the process of reciprocity?
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Was Prometheus Right or Wrong?
With week #3 of teaching well underway, I am gradually learning what this teaching this is all about. I’m definitely making many mistakes along the way, but learning from them has helped me in navigating this new “profession.” It still amazes me that Xavier High School is one of the most prestigious high schools in Micronesia, yet it simply could not function if not for the volunteer teachers. Whether from JVI, the Jesuit community, an Australian exchange program or the Japanese Peace Corps, very few of us are actually qualified to teach - yet we are all willing to take on this responsibility of being entrusted with the education of Micronesia’s best and brightest future leaders.
The adage “You don’t know how tall you truly are until you are called to rise” has taken on new meaning for me. I was quite uncertain about how I would fare as a literature teacher, though teaching has since evolved from a job into this idea of a challenge or puzzle that I, if I am willing, get to figure out a little bit more of every day.
My latest task started out as a simple lesson plan – something to push the sophomores to think outside the box. “Does innocence/ignorance equal happiness….?” A simple question. The lesson revolves around a discussion of Pandora’s Box – remember the story? So picture for me what YOU think the world was like before Prometheus gave humans fire…(I know it is a rudimentary lesson for a sophomore class, but hear me out) The story the students read talked about how “races of man had been living on earth free from all evils, and free from laborious work and free from all wearing sickness.” The poem does not provide many details, so close your eyes, and fill in the gaps. What do you envision this “Golden Age” to be like? What do people do? How do they interact? You paint the picture. Remember this.
So Prometheus thinks the world needs the fire Zeus is hiding, and decides to steal it in order to give it to humans. The punishment – a woman destined to release every evil imaginable into the “pristine” bubble in which mankind had been sheltered. The result - the world we live in today – filled with hate, death, greed, arrogance, poverty, sickness, war…..you get the point? Was Prometheus right or wrong in giving man fire?
Alright so everything that I’ve just said – shelve it for the time being.
What this version of Pandora’s box does not relate is the following:
“One day Prometheus looked down upon the earth and did not like what he saw. Men and women crouched in dark caves, cold, almost naked. They used tools chipped out of stone and ate their meat raw. They were dulled, brutish, speaking to each other in grunts. Prometheus went to Zeus and said:
‘Why do you keep the race of man in ignorance and darkness?’
‘What you call ignorance is innocence. Man is happy now, and will remain happy until someone persuades him he is unhappy. Do not meddle further with my designs.’ said Zeus…
But Prometheus was still not satisfied. The next morning he stood tiptoe on the mountaintop and stole some fire from the sunrise. Zeus looking down later could not believe what he saw. Everything was changed. Man had come out of his cave. Zeus saw huts, farmhouses, walled towns, a castle. He saw men cooking their food, carrying torches to light their way at night. They were raising white wings of sails and daring to use the fury of the winds for their voyages.”
Does this change your handcrafted picture of a Golden Age? So I ask you, does innocence/ignorance equal happiness? Does not knowing what might be…not knowing that there are greater things out there allow you to be happy with the moment you are in? Is the splendor of the moment we are in worth all of the evils Pandora unleashed on the world? One could argue that Prometheus didn’t just give us the tangible gift of fire, but fire in a metaphorical sense – a desire to work towards something – a PASSION, a spark between people. Was Prometheus right or wrong in giving us fire?
If you have read this far, I promise I’ll get to a point!!! I realize that your education level is far beyond that of a tenth grader, however this idea – a question merely posed to provoke discussion has far greater implications that even the wisest have yet to figure out.
This question is something that is becoming a greater struggle for me with each passing day. I have realized that this question is not something simply to be asked of fictitious mythical characters, but asked of my purpose here.
This question first started to rear its controversial head when wrestling with my own tendencies to push and to challenge my students, or my athletes (I am the ladies basketball coach here!!). Unlike the more individualistic values propagated by the American culture, being part of a community entails a strong desire to blend in. These kids have so much potential, so much beauty and talent if they would only devote the time and effort needed to allow them to blossom….. But they do not want to stand out amidst their peers – something I cannot fathom. I keep having to remind myself of this cultural incongruity. Am I really here to change their way of life and who they are? I think it would be utterly presumptuous to think I am. But do they find happiness in their innocence? Are they content with who they are, never catching a glimpse of even the shadow they could be with a little fire? At what point does my role as an educator and coach overstep my boundaries? Was Prometheus right or wrong in giving us fire?
My cogitation did not end there as I began to reflect not just on my job here, but on my purpose in being here at all. I often find myself complaining to the wind, “ ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier if they paved their pothole riddled roads so that it wouldn’t take longer to run than it does to drive?’ or ‘Wouldn’t it just be more comfortable if the power would stay on all the time instead of flickering on and off at whim?’ or ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier to invest in a better quality copier so that it doesn’t take an hour to make 40 double sided copies?’” Such is my mentality because I come from a place where dirt roads are only for those adventurous enough to take their SUV’s off-roading, where we really only notice our reliance on power during a thunderstorm, and where people xerox body parts for entertainment. I come from a place where bigger, better, and faster is the normal course of human progression. Perhaps the Chuukese are perfectly content with the way things are here because they have no conception of what else is out there. They are content in their innocence, and who am I to think that it is my assignment to corrupt that? Am I here with the intent of changing their lifestyle for the better because I know a better way? I think it would be utterly presumptuous to think that I am. Under my regime, children playing in the streets would be injured daily because of cars driving too fast, uninhibited by natural speed “bumps,” and schools and businesses would not have enough money to operate because the combination of the electricity bill the paper/toner bill would drain the account each month. Is growth, expansion and development worth the evils released on the world? Was Prometheus right or wrong in giving us fire?
The adage “You don’t know how tall you truly are until you are called to rise” has taken on new meaning for me. I was quite uncertain about how I would fare as a literature teacher, though teaching has since evolved from a job into this idea of a challenge or puzzle that I, if I am willing, get to figure out a little bit more of every day.
My latest task started out as a simple lesson plan – something to push the sophomores to think outside the box. “Does innocence/ignorance equal happiness….?” A simple question. The lesson revolves around a discussion of Pandora’s Box – remember the story? So picture for me what YOU think the world was like before Prometheus gave humans fire…(I know it is a rudimentary lesson for a sophomore class, but hear me out) The story the students read talked about how “races of man had been living on earth free from all evils, and free from laborious work and free from all wearing sickness.” The poem does not provide many details, so close your eyes, and fill in the gaps. What do you envision this “Golden Age” to be like? What do people do? How do they interact? You paint the picture. Remember this.
So Prometheus thinks the world needs the fire Zeus is hiding, and decides to steal it in order to give it to humans. The punishment – a woman destined to release every evil imaginable into the “pristine” bubble in which mankind had been sheltered. The result - the world we live in today – filled with hate, death, greed, arrogance, poverty, sickness, war…..you get the point? Was Prometheus right or wrong in giving man fire?
Alright so everything that I’ve just said – shelve it for the time being.
What this version of Pandora’s box does not relate is the following:
“One day Prometheus looked down upon the earth and did not like what he saw. Men and women crouched in dark caves, cold, almost naked. They used tools chipped out of stone and ate their meat raw. They were dulled, brutish, speaking to each other in grunts. Prometheus went to Zeus and said:
‘Why do you keep the race of man in ignorance and darkness?’
‘What you call ignorance is innocence. Man is happy now, and will remain happy until someone persuades him he is unhappy. Do not meddle further with my designs.’ said Zeus…
But Prometheus was still not satisfied. The next morning he stood tiptoe on the mountaintop and stole some fire from the sunrise. Zeus looking down later could not believe what he saw. Everything was changed. Man had come out of his cave. Zeus saw huts, farmhouses, walled towns, a castle. He saw men cooking their food, carrying torches to light their way at night. They were raising white wings of sails and daring to use the fury of the winds for their voyages.”
Does this change your handcrafted picture of a Golden Age? So I ask you, does innocence/ignorance equal happiness? Does not knowing what might be…not knowing that there are greater things out there allow you to be happy with the moment you are in? Is the splendor of the moment we are in worth all of the evils Pandora unleashed on the world? One could argue that Prometheus didn’t just give us the tangible gift of fire, but fire in a metaphorical sense – a desire to work towards something – a PASSION, a spark between people. Was Prometheus right or wrong in giving us fire?
If you have read this far, I promise I’ll get to a point!!! I realize that your education level is far beyond that of a tenth grader, however this idea – a question merely posed to provoke discussion has far greater implications that even the wisest have yet to figure out.
This question is something that is becoming a greater struggle for me with each passing day. I have realized that this question is not something simply to be asked of fictitious mythical characters, but asked of my purpose here.
This question first started to rear its controversial head when wrestling with my own tendencies to push and to challenge my students, or my athletes (I am the ladies basketball coach here!!). Unlike the more individualistic values propagated by the American culture, being part of a community entails a strong desire to blend in. These kids have so much potential, so much beauty and talent if they would only devote the time and effort needed to allow them to blossom….. But they do not want to stand out amidst their peers – something I cannot fathom. I keep having to remind myself of this cultural incongruity. Am I really here to change their way of life and who they are? I think it would be utterly presumptuous to think I am. But do they find happiness in their innocence? Are they content with who they are, never catching a glimpse of even the shadow they could be with a little fire? At what point does my role as an educator and coach overstep my boundaries? Was Prometheus right or wrong in giving us fire?
My cogitation did not end there as I began to reflect not just on my job here, but on my purpose in being here at all. I often find myself complaining to the wind, “ ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier if they paved their pothole riddled roads so that it wouldn’t take longer to run than it does to drive?’ or ‘Wouldn’t it just be more comfortable if the power would stay on all the time instead of flickering on and off at whim?’ or ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier to invest in a better quality copier so that it doesn’t take an hour to make 40 double sided copies?’” Such is my mentality because I come from a place where dirt roads are only for those adventurous enough to take their SUV’s off-roading, where we really only notice our reliance on power during a thunderstorm, and where people xerox body parts for entertainment. I come from a place where bigger, better, and faster is the normal course of human progression. Perhaps the Chuukese are perfectly content with the way things are here because they have no conception of what else is out there. They are content in their innocence, and who am I to think that it is my assignment to corrupt that? Am I here with the intent of changing their lifestyle for the better because I know a better way? I think it would be utterly presumptuous to think that I am. Under my regime, children playing in the streets would be injured daily because of cars driving too fast, uninhibited by natural speed “bumps,” and schools and businesses would not have enough money to operate because the combination of the electricity bill the paper/toner bill would drain the account each month. Is growth, expansion and development worth the evils released on the world? Was Prometheus right or wrong in giving us fire?
Friday, August 26, 2005
Remember, we belong to each other......
I am NOT an avid reader. Those closest to me know I cringe at the very thought of reading. It is not something I’m proud of, because there is so much to be gained from it – a whole world I am closed off to, but I’ve always been an active person, and to me, reading is so sedentary. It requires you being in one place for an extended period of time – focusing. And unless you are discussing it with someone – you have to be by yourself – isolated from the world around you – supplanted somewhere in a secret world of words. Maybe I’m just contriving excuses, but I’m trying for the sake of my students to find a love for it. I have to.
So on this particular Sunday morning, I was moved to pick up a book I ha actually read before in High School I woke up around quarter to 9 and spontaneously decided to pass up running and breakfast to read….2 ½ hours later, a tear soaked pillow and a drained heart, I finished it. If you have never read Tuesday’s With Morrie, I strongly suggest it. If you have, read it again. Although I’ve read it before (originally recommended by Mrs. P – thank you!!!!!) there was something about it this time around that penetrated so much more deeply perhaps because of what I am on the verge of beginning….
It is about a teacher – a teacher that I can only hope to become…the textbooks are irrelevant – but the lessons, the tests are among those that the memory finds a way to permanently ingrain. The book raised many questions and challenges that I had considered, but hadn’t offered adequate deliberation. You can call it a problem – maybe a contradiction – an attempt to reconcile this dichotomy of teaching that exists within my conception of my role. I know the value of an education – expanding your min. These students have been given the blessing of receiving a prestigious education and the talent, ability an potential to maximize all it has to offer…I have been blessed with the opportunity to share in it. But I’m torn by this inherent inclination to want to teach them not so much about literature, but about the world. To warn them about its evils. To push them to discover its meaning. To teach them to think counter-culturally. To uncover a passion – obscured only by fear. To teach them of love, emotion, human touch, confidence, empowerment…
I’ve come to believe that my greatest problem is ignorance in the sense that I only learn and internalize what I can feel. Not what I can see or hear – but something that I can tangibly feel from the inside. I’m not sure where that falls on the visual, auditory and kinesthetic learning styles chart…but words, books, tests, entire courses, movies – you name it….unless it resonate – unless it evokes something within – an emotion preferably – it typically just passes through one ear… and out the other – am I crazy??? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel as though I have this (soon to be classified in the DSM) emotive disorder to blame for my ignorance (though sometimes blissful!!) but if you follow my train of thought…. (and I don’t blame you if you don’t..)
I feel that just as it is the only way I know how to learn, it is also the only way I know how to teach. Perhaps it is presumptuous – but I assume that I am teaching a room full of students who think and react just as I do – and need to learn in the same way. I need to teacah in such a way that the fundamentals can and will in some way strike a chord. But how do I find that balance between masquerading as a literature instructor and teaching them the very little that I do know – what my experiences have provedn to be true…while at the same time teaching them the plots, themes, characters, ironies and symbolism that this Jesuit education promises them…al of whose true meanings I have only begun to graze the surface – as in very littls as seeped in. Perhaps balance is the wrong question to ask – maybe I should ask how to merge this disconnect???
“A teacher affect eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.” ~Henry Adams
Aside from forcing me to face the daunting, yet inevitable task of standing before four classes of students on the first day, Morrie’s words on love and life soaked through me and provoked emotions so beautifully debilitating…leaving me with no other faculty but to feel (hence, I absorbed every word!!).
In the words of the one and only (and wise) Wilcard, “leaving really helps you to identify what your home is. How do you know what home is if you’ve never really left??” (Thanks love!!) and it’s soo true – in just a few weeks I’ve gained such a better perspective of what home is and has been for 22 years of my life. I’ve gained such a better appreciation for just HOW much I love people and just how much I am loved. Sometimes I just want to BURST at the amount of love I can still feel from so far away – an in a way…absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. Being so far away, I am forced to express myself more honestly….letters have been such an outlet for sharing, for allowing people (for one of the first times in my life) to hear my inner thoughts & feelings. Communication is no longer fluff- small talk. Such infrequent contact requires raw candor – no facades. I trust that some of my most cherished relationships will perhaps grow stronger thanks to the blessed gift of the pen (and blog!)
And a final – loosely associated thought –
“The greatest commandment is this..You shall love the Lord your Go with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your strength…the second – you shall love your neighbor as yourself…” Matthew 22:37-40
In the words taken from Fr. Bill’s homily this week, “we foolishly think that we know how to love because we crave it so much – it is the one thing in this world that we desire more than anything…we want to be loved – thus, the Lord gave us the 2nd commandment to teach us how to o the first…In doing the second, it is the Lord’s hope that we might fulfill the first.”
“Be compassionate…and take responsibility for each other…as long as we can love each other, an remember the feeling of love that we had, we can [leave] without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. You live on in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here…” ~Tuesday’s with Morrie
Again, to steal words – this time of a former JV at orientation – “how beautiful is it to be ablet o say and understand the implication behind ‘Remember, we belong to each other.’” I think that the bottom line of this book is that we do truly belong to each toher. We are beings who inherently seek comfort, security, acceptance, touch and love….The only way to find it is through each other. It is only in giving yourself completely to that which you belong that you may find in all its splendor, that one gift you crave so fervently.
…and so now – I leave you to teach my first class!! OH MY GOONESS GRACIOUS!!!!
So on this particular Sunday morning, I was moved to pick up a book I ha actually read before in High School I woke up around quarter to 9 and spontaneously decided to pass up running and breakfast to read….2 ½ hours later, a tear soaked pillow and a drained heart, I finished it. If you have never read Tuesday’s With Morrie, I strongly suggest it. If you have, read it again. Although I’ve read it before (originally recommended by Mrs. P – thank you!!!!!) there was something about it this time around that penetrated so much more deeply perhaps because of what I am on the verge of beginning….
It is about a teacher – a teacher that I can only hope to become…the textbooks are irrelevant – but the lessons, the tests are among those that the memory finds a way to permanently ingrain. The book raised many questions and challenges that I had considered, but hadn’t offered adequate deliberation. You can call it a problem – maybe a contradiction – an attempt to reconcile this dichotomy of teaching that exists within my conception of my role. I know the value of an education – expanding your min. These students have been given the blessing of receiving a prestigious education and the talent, ability an potential to maximize all it has to offer…I have been blessed with the opportunity to share in it. But I’m torn by this inherent inclination to want to teach them not so much about literature, but about the world. To warn them about its evils. To push them to discover its meaning. To teach them to think counter-culturally. To uncover a passion – obscured only by fear. To teach them of love, emotion, human touch, confidence, empowerment…
I’ve come to believe that my greatest problem is ignorance in the sense that I only learn and internalize what I can feel. Not what I can see or hear – but something that I can tangibly feel from the inside. I’m not sure where that falls on the visual, auditory and kinesthetic learning styles chart…but words, books, tests, entire courses, movies – you name it….unless it resonate – unless it evokes something within – an emotion preferably – it typically just passes through one ear… and out the other – am I crazy??? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel as though I have this (soon to be classified in the DSM) emotive disorder to blame for my ignorance (though sometimes blissful!!) but if you follow my train of thought…. (and I don’t blame you if you don’t..)
I feel that just as it is the only way I know how to learn, it is also the only way I know how to teach. Perhaps it is presumptuous – but I assume that I am teaching a room full of students who think and react just as I do – and need to learn in the same way. I need to teacah in such a way that the fundamentals can and will in some way strike a chord. But how do I find that balance between masquerading as a literature instructor and teaching them the very little that I do know – what my experiences have provedn to be true…while at the same time teaching them the plots, themes, characters, ironies and symbolism that this Jesuit education promises them…al of whose true meanings I have only begun to graze the surface – as in very littls as seeped in. Perhaps balance is the wrong question to ask – maybe I should ask how to merge this disconnect???
“A teacher affect eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.” ~Henry Adams
Aside from forcing me to face the daunting, yet inevitable task of standing before four classes of students on the first day, Morrie’s words on love and life soaked through me and provoked emotions so beautifully debilitating…leaving me with no other faculty but to feel (hence, I absorbed every word!!).
In the words of the one and only (and wise) Wilcard, “leaving really helps you to identify what your home is. How do you know what home is if you’ve never really left??” (Thanks love!!) and it’s soo true – in just a few weeks I’ve gained such a better perspective of what home is and has been for 22 years of my life. I’ve gained such a better appreciation for just HOW much I love people and just how much I am loved. Sometimes I just want to BURST at the amount of love I can still feel from so far away – an in a way…absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. Being so far away, I am forced to express myself more honestly….letters have been such an outlet for sharing, for allowing people (for one of the first times in my life) to hear my inner thoughts & feelings. Communication is no longer fluff- small talk. Such infrequent contact requires raw candor – no facades. I trust that some of my most cherished relationships will perhaps grow stronger thanks to the blessed gift of the pen (and blog!)
And a final – loosely associated thought –
“The greatest commandment is this..You shall love the Lord your Go with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your strength…the second – you shall love your neighbor as yourself…” Matthew 22:37-40
In the words taken from Fr. Bill’s homily this week, “we foolishly think that we know how to love because we crave it so much – it is the one thing in this world that we desire more than anything…we want to be loved – thus, the Lord gave us the 2nd commandment to teach us how to o the first…In doing the second, it is the Lord’s hope that we might fulfill the first.”
“Be compassionate…and take responsibility for each other…as long as we can love each other, an remember the feeling of love that we had, we can [leave] without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. You live on in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here…” ~Tuesday’s with Morrie
Again, to steal words – this time of a former JV at orientation – “how beautiful is it to be ablet o say and understand the implication behind ‘Remember, we belong to each other.’” I think that the bottom line of this book is that we do truly belong to each toher. We are beings who inherently seek comfort, security, acceptance, touch and love….The only way to find it is through each other. It is only in giving yourself completely to that which you belong that you may find in all its splendor, that one gift you crave so fervently.
…and so now – I leave you to teach my first class!! OH MY GOONESS GRACIOUS!!!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Acceptance
Running used to be liberating. I am SO grateful that I can run here, however I feel as though a run has become something altogether restricting. I used to run in a sports bra & “booty shorts.” Here, it is customary to run in mesh shorts down to my knees and a t-shirt, (I know my Hounds can empathize with a shared hatred of the cotton T) bogged down by the extra weight of sweat soaked material. I used to be able to run for miles – letting my legs fly from underneath me as they pleased. Here, I can only run so far before I must turn around for fear that the sweltering heat and unyielding sun that gradually sucks the life out of my perpetually dehydrated body will prevent me from making it back to Xavier on my own willpower. People line the streets as I run through, which one could easily mistake for a personal cheering squat, but I cannot say anything but an impish “Nesor Annim (Good Morning).” Little budding runners match my stride – two of theirs to every one of mine, but I cannot cheer them on – I can’t say anything encouraging but smile and wave as their breath grows short and their steps trail off.
Adjusting has also been much harder that I could have imagined as physically manifested in upset stomachs and migraines. You would think - new world…so much to explore and take in…..and there IS… oh my goodness gracious there is! But adjusting to life away from home has in all honesty been so tough. The power goes on and off at whim and the internet works sporadically so it is very hard to get online and check e-mails. Even when I can get online, I can’t even begin to respond sufficiently with everything that I want to say! Thus, I do feel so cut off and isolated…I just don’t want those people who I care about so much – I don’t want YOU to foget how much I love you. When I can’t be there in person and I could never fully convey it in an e-mail, the best I can do is pray that you don’t forget…Pray that God wraps His arms around you everyday. You send such lovely e-mails and support and I just pray in some small way you can understand and can feel my love reciprocated. There is no way I could ever thank you enough – but trust that I have some monster hugs waiting for you when I return – and I do mean MONSTER. (in case you weren’t aware – Hugs accrue interest in the form of intensity….thus – you can only imagine how INTENSE these hugs are going to be after 22 months of interest!!!)
I think part of what has been so difficult is my shifting roles – to go from a Senior, an RA, a mentor, a captain, a friend, a leader and a runner - to starting back at the bottom is quite a shock to my system. I suppose I didn’t fully realize just how deeply those roles had become ingrained in who I was and how I had learned to fill them out. But so much of the loss I am feeling comes from knowing that I no longer play those roles in the same capacity. I am starting from scratch – as a student – earning my respect very slowly – learning, being an observer – re-identifying myself and determining where exactly I fit in. We had a whole talk at orientation on grief and loss – but there is no true way to prepare yourself for when it actually hits you…
as I’m sitting here writing, 2 new students walked by – wandering through the halls (the boarders are starting to return) Sonny and Amaroy….and so it begins – building that relationship – earning their trust. Unfortunately they are Juniors, so I will not have them in class, but they are both runners – so thought I struggle to pursue my own passions – perhaps part of me will be able to live vicariously through them…..
Though I entered JVI intentionally for the community and support I thought I’d find – it seems as though I am encountering more support from the people here who I’ve come to know personally – from pushing myself beyond the luxuries of comfortable conversation – and to sit in the sometimes awkward silence – struggling to mesh Americanism and Chuukese. Rutón, one of the Xavier workers and our “certified” Chuukese instructor has been a wonderful blessing – helping me to bridge the expansive gap between these two drastically different cultures. The other day, we left the island of Weno with the Xavier workers to picnic on a remote island out on one of the outer atolls. Rutón and some of the women showed me how to skin sea cucumbers and search for octopus. He helped me to translate the conversation whirling around us and even just sat and raced hermit crabs with me… By the end of our conversation I learned that he graduated from UH Hilo in 1998 and is considering pursuing a graduate degree in business (or law!) I told him that I would help him look into Grad schools on the US mainland – so perhaps you will get to meet him one day if he follows his dream!!
Perhaps what I need is more a feeling of acceptance than necessarily being supported?? The town is preparing for an inter-village track competition – so there are people running around EVERYWHERE –(It’s GREATTTTT let me tell you!!!) But today we were asked to help out timing as the runners circled the 200 meter grass field marked off by sticks arranged in an oval pattern right?? so afterwards I was trying to speak to the coach who knew broken English….and as he told me his name and shook my hand – then ENTIRE crowd – filled with runners, children, mothers – (yeah the ENTIRE village of Sapuk shows up even for these practice runs) ERUPTS with laughter, OOOOHHHHHHHHH’s, clapping, heckling and what not……by that point I’m thoroughly embarrassed –with no place to hide in a wide open field…not knowing what is going on…..but apparently, as I was later told, there exists a strong cultural barrier between men & women – and the fact that he had deliberately – in front of everyone broken that barrier and shook my hand – then patted me on the back – sent the crowd into hysterics…….
To walk through the neighborhood unable to distinguish whether the children are giggling because the white girl just said “Hi” to them, or laughing because there is a white girl walking by makes you feel so helpless….but coming home to a worker asking if I’ll just sit and talk is a feeling of acceptance that I long for…..
Adjusting has also been much harder that I could have imagined as physically manifested in upset stomachs and migraines. You would think - new world…so much to explore and take in…..and there IS… oh my goodness gracious there is! But adjusting to life away from home has in all honesty been so tough. The power goes on and off at whim and the internet works sporadically so it is very hard to get online and check e-mails. Even when I can get online, I can’t even begin to respond sufficiently with everything that I want to say! Thus, I do feel so cut off and isolated…I just don’t want those people who I care about so much – I don’t want YOU to foget how much I love you. When I can’t be there in person and I could never fully convey it in an e-mail, the best I can do is pray that you don’t forget…Pray that God wraps His arms around you everyday. You send such lovely e-mails and support and I just pray in some small way you can understand and can feel my love reciprocated. There is no way I could ever thank you enough – but trust that I have some monster hugs waiting for you when I return – and I do mean MONSTER. (in case you weren’t aware – Hugs accrue interest in the form of intensity….thus – you can only imagine how INTENSE these hugs are going to be after 22 months of interest!!!)
I think part of what has been so difficult is my shifting roles – to go from a Senior, an RA, a mentor, a captain, a friend, a leader and a runner - to starting back at the bottom is quite a shock to my system. I suppose I didn’t fully realize just how deeply those roles had become ingrained in who I was and how I had learned to fill them out. But so much of the loss I am feeling comes from knowing that I no longer play those roles in the same capacity. I am starting from scratch – as a student – earning my respect very slowly – learning, being an observer – re-identifying myself and determining where exactly I fit in. We had a whole talk at orientation on grief and loss – but there is no true way to prepare yourself for when it actually hits you…
as I’m sitting here writing, 2 new students walked by – wandering through the halls (the boarders are starting to return) Sonny and Amaroy….and so it begins – building that relationship – earning their trust. Unfortunately they are Juniors, so I will not have them in class, but they are both runners – so thought I struggle to pursue my own passions – perhaps part of me will be able to live vicariously through them…..
Though I entered JVI intentionally for the community and support I thought I’d find – it seems as though I am encountering more support from the people here who I’ve come to know personally – from pushing myself beyond the luxuries of comfortable conversation – and to sit in the sometimes awkward silence – struggling to mesh Americanism and Chuukese. Rutón, one of the Xavier workers and our “certified” Chuukese instructor has been a wonderful blessing – helping me to bridge the expansive gap between these two drastically different cultures. The other day, we left the island of Weno with the Xavier workers to picnic on a remote island out on one of the outer atolls. Rutón and some of the women showed me how to skin sea cucumbers and search for octopus. He helped me to translate the conversation whirling around us and even just sat and raced hermit crabs with me… By the end of our conversation I learned that he graduated from UH Hilo in 1998 and is considering pursuing a graduate degree in business (or law!) I told him that I would help him look into Grad schools on the US mainland – so perhaps you will get to meet him one day if he follows his dream!!
Perhaps what I need is more a feeling of acceptance than necessarily being supported?? The town is preparing for an inter-village track competition – so there are people running around EVERYWHERE –(It’s GREATTTTT let me tell you!!!) But today we were asked to help out timing as the runners circled the 200 meter grass field marked off by sticks arranged in an oval pattern right?? so afterwards I was trying to speak to the coach who knew broken English….and as he told me his name and shook my hand – then ENTIRE crowd – filled with runners, children, mothers – (yeah the ENTIRE village of Sapuk shows up even for these practice runs) ERUPTS with laughter, OOOOHHHHHHHHH’s, clapping, heckling and what not……by that point I’m thoroughly embarrassed –with no place to hide in a wide open field…not knowing what is going on…..but apparently, as I was later told, there exists a strong cultural barrier between men & women – and the fact that he had deliberately – in front of everyone broken that barrier and shook my hand – then patted me on the back – sent the crowd into hysterics…….
To walk through the neighborhood unable to distinguish whether the children are giggling because the white girl just said “Hi” to them, or laughing because there is a white girl walking by makes you feel so helpless….but coming home to a worker asking if I’ll just sit and talk is a feeling of acceptance that I long for…..
Monday, August 08, 2005
Home Sweet Home?
I’m here!! I made it to Chuuk!!!!!!! We touched down on Saturday (we loose a day in transit when crossing the international date line) and have been acquainting ourselves with the lay of the land since then. I’m still in disbelief that this is actually happening and am still desperately trying to figure out what to think and how to process it all. I’m in awe. I’m uncomfortable. I’m searching. I’m happy. I’m lonely……
I’m in awe because this place is ascetically gorgeous!!! Xavier High School is nestled in a hilltop that overlooks the lagoon on both sides. The school itself is built around remnants of a WWII Japanese communication tower. Thus, the walls are about a foot thick of concrete – and you can actually see the place on the roof where the building was bombed during an American ambush that left the entire Chuuk lagoon a diver’s haven. Being that we can see out across the water for miles – we’ve watched many a sunset already, we’ve stargazed like you wouldn’t believe and have just sat & watched rainstorms roll in from miles away. Last night we took out the telescope & a book of constellations and assumed nighttime jobs as little astronomers!! Seriously – there are more stars in this sky than you’ve ever seen in your life!!!!
A few days ago we went snorkeling – you’d think that we were swimming in some sort of artificially constructed tank in at the aquarium. The reef was like something out of Fining Nemo – and the fish – don’t even get me started……even cartoons couldn’t duplicate these colors!!! Yesterday we went hiking to the top of an old Japanese Lighthouse – that pretty much overlooked the entire island of Weno. The view was spectacular!!! It is so lush that you couldn’t even see houses down below – they were tucked away in the green…..the island would have seemed uninhabited if not for the voices, cries, songs and shouts of the people below. There was a little island boy who followed us up to the lighthouse -no shoes – and we ended up playing with him for hours…..we could not communicate with language – but it is simply beautiful how the word “play” seems to be universally understood.
The people here are amazing…..soo beautiful….when we go running in the mornings (YES – I am able to run here!!!!! A few of my community mates are runners – or aspire to be – so hopefully we’ll have a whole fleet running in the mornings!!!) everyone is up & about – waving – saying hello….soo friendly!! But their laughter – oh my goodness gracious – they are always laughing…and you know that there is so much beneath the surface – so much of their life’s tale that laughter does not even begin to accomplish – but they laugh like you wouldn’t believe.
I’m uncomfortable because it’s different – it’s a whole new world – everything is unfamiliar and requires an extensive amount of patience. As beautiful as this place is – it is equally as destitute. There is trash everywhere. The unemployment rate is something like 80%.....it’s just these two conflicting worlds that I can’t seem to reconcile just yet. The heat is something else that takes some getting used to – dripping sweat all of the time!! Oh it’s lovely!! And the typical dress is long skirts, or shorts down to the knee – and shirts – no shoulders showing….sooo it will require some getting used to!! The bugs are ha ha WONDERFUL!!! Flies, cockroaches, spiders, mosquitoes – geco’s!! And if you know how much I enjoy creepy crawling insects – you knowwww how much patience is being exerted daily!!!
I’m searching for comfort – for pieces of home – for something that will begin to make this place feel like home. I’m searching for a new identity – not knowing anyone or anything about this place – it’s like starting all over again – I need to find out who I am in light of where I am.
I am happy knowing this is exactly where I am supposed to be. I am happy knowing that my boundaries are being tested in ways I could never have imagined. I am happy that I have people around me like my community – AJ, Chris, Joe & Adrianne – and the wonderful staff here at Xavier to be a solid system of support and encouragement.
I am lonely in a world so far from all that is familiar. The language is a huge barrier. I want to get to know the culture & the people – but my inability to communicate poses a huge obstacle to doing so. I will admit that being a lil’ homesick makes it tougher as well – just missing people who know me – who understand who I am….. I know that will come if I give it time – but it is hard being in that space in between.
So we have a few more weeks of orientation/hanging out etc… we don’t start school until the 23rd and as of right now I’m still teaching freshman & sophomore lit – desperately trying to rekindle my love of reading and literature!!! I know there is sooo much more I want to write and say – but I’m just on sensory overload – there is so much to take in!! But know that I think of YOU often and your prayers and support is with me!!!
My Love
“I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun, not just because I can see Him, but because of Him, I can see everything else.” ~C.S. Lewis
I’m in awe because this place is ascetically gorgeous!!! Xavier High School is nestled in a hilltop that overlooks the lagoon on both sides. The school itself is built around remnants of a WWII Japanese communication tower. Thus, the walls are about a foot thick of concrete – and you can actually see the place on the roof where the building was bombed during an American ambush that left the entire Chuuk lagoon a diver’s haven. Being that we can see out across the water for miles – we’ve watched many a sunset already, we’ve stargazed like you wouldn’t believe and have just sat & watched rainstorms roll in from miles away. Last night we took out the telescope & a book of constellations and assumed nighttime jobs as little astronomers!! Seriously – there are more stars in this sky than you’ve ever seen in your life!!!!
A few days ago we went snorkeling – you’d think that we were swimming in some sort of artificially constructed tank in at the aquarium. The reef was like something out of Fining Nemo – and the fish – don’t even get me started……even cartoons couldn’t duplicate these colors!!! Yesterday we went hiking to the top of an old Japanese Lighthouse – that pretty much overlooked the entire island of Weno. The view was spectacular!!! It is so lush that you couldn’t even see houses down below – they were tucked away in the green…..the island would have seemed uninhabited if not for the voices, cries, songs and shouts of the people below. There was a little island boy who followed us up to the lighthouse -no shoes – and we ended up playing with him for hours…..we could not communicate with language – but it is simply beautiful how the word “play” seems to be universally understood.
The people here are amazing…..soo beautiful….when we go running in the mornings (YES – I am able to run here!!!!! A few of my community mates are runners – or aspire to be – so hopefully we’ll have a whole fleet running in the mornings!!!) everyone is up & about – waving – saying hello….soo friendly!! But their laughter – oh my goodness gracious – they are always laughing…and you know that there is so much beneath the surface – so much of their life’s tale that laughter does not even begin to accomplish – but they laugh like you wouldn’t believe.
I’m uncomfortable because it’s different – it’s a whole new world – everything is unfamiliar and requires an extensive amount of patience. As beautiful as this place is – it is equally as destitute. There is trash everywhere. The unemployment rate is something like 80%.....it’s just these two conflicting worlds that I can’t seem to reconcile just yet. The heat is something else that takes some getting used to – dripping sweat all of the time!! Oh it’s lovely!! And the typical dress is long skirts, or shorts down to the knee – and shirts – no shoulders showing….sooo it will require some getting used to!! The bugs are ha ha WONDERFUL!!! Flies, cockroaches, spiders, mosquitoes – geco’s!! And if you know how much I enjoy creepy crawling insects – you knowwww how much patience is being exerted daily!!!
I’m searching for comfort – for pieces of home – for something that will begin to make this place feel like home. I’m searching for a new identity – not knowing anyone or anything about this place – it’s like starting all over again – I need to find out who I am in light of where I am.
I am happy knowing this is exactly where I am supposed to be. I am happy knowing that my boundaries are being tested in ways I could never have imagined. I am happy that I have people around me like my community – AJ, Chris, Joe & Adrianne – and the wonderful staff here at Xavier to be a solid system of support and encouragement.
I am lonely in a world so far from all that is familiar. The language is a huge barrier. I want to get to know the culture & the people – but my inability to communicate poses a huge obstacle to doing so. I will admit that being a lil’ homesick makes it tougher as well – just missing people who know me – who understand who I am….. I know that will come if I give it time – but it is hard being in that space in between.
So we have a few more weeks of orientation/hanging out etc… we don’t start school until the 23rd and as of right now I’m still teaching freshman & sophomore lit – desperately trying to rekindle my love of reading and literature!!! I know there is sooo much more I want to write and say – but I’m just on sensory overload – there is so much to take in!! But know that I think of YOU often and your prayers and support is with me!!!
My Love
“I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun, not just because I can see Him, but because of Him, I can see everything else.” ~C.S. Lewis
Foiled again!!
So These two days in Hawai'i - simply amazing - of course there were obvious challenges such as only having a shirt, skirt, 1 pair of unerwear and sneakers - no toiletries - but nothing a book on the Chuukese alphabet won't help! All that was in my bookbag was some food, and books, journals etc...my other 2 bags (and Chris & Aj's) all went to Chuuk & sat there & waited for us until we arrived. so we had to improvise. We stopped at the discount store to pick up some necessities - and picutre Chris, AJ & myself wandering around the international flea market picking out boar shores long enough to cover my knees (keep in min ladies hips don't quite fit in males' shorts in quite the same way) and some sort of bathing suit tip to swim in. It was a sight to see! Not even so much the three of us trying to find these clothes that would appropriate to wear in Chuuk(so as not to waste $$ & clothes I couldn't wear for 2 years) - but the final product!!! Walking around Hawai'i in a tied up bikini top - knee length board shorts that didn't quite match exactly & pink flips - I looked like a clown! Simple living test #1!!! Our first extra day was spent sorting out the meal vouchers Continental gave us & napping. we were WIPED!! We set out the next day to leave Waikiki beach & venture towards teh more lush, less populated borders of the North shore. We took the city bus all the way up & met some very interesting & friendly local folk & got on an off as we pleased. You'll have to check out the pictures (when i'm able to get them up online) to have some idea of waht we saw as we steppe off the bus....and even the pics dont' do it justice. As soon as we stepped off - all i hear is "Shutup..." "No Freak'n Way" AJ & Chris both in disbelief of this paraise we had stumbled into. Before us was a mountain range - cliffs rape in sheers of salient green - almost fake. The panorama witnessed a duel of majesty as the towering height of the surreal cliffs challenged the vast expanse of tranquility buffere only by the eference of a sandy shoreline..... a battle paradoxically imperceptible to the nake eye. To see it wasnt' enoguh - to feel it was not enough - you had to breathe it in - let it sonsume, let it overwhelm - let it seep through your porous exterior and even that fell short.
My Lord was present in all we did - the wonder, the streaming rays of the setting sun, the wave that occupied us for hours and the creativity that turned 3 near adults into children on the verge of kindergarten. If yesterday was the only reason for our extended stay, it was reason enough....just to be in the company of such beautiful people - they continue to amaze me - just to watch the way they experience the world - they see it with such a beautifully different perspective - it's a boyish woner - it's an attention to minute details, it's a witness to the Christ in all forms of life that has challenge me beyond words. Even better is that they bring out the best in those they meet. Just watching them interact with each other - with the locals - I am so blessed to be in their company and I wish you coul meet them & see what I see.
My Lord was present in all we did - the wonder, the streaming rays of the setting sun, the wave that occupied us for hours and the creativity that turned 3 near adults into children on the verge of kindergarten. If yesterday was the only reason for our extended stay, it was reason enough....just to be in the company of such beautiful people - they continue to amaze me - just to watch the way they experience the world - they see it with such a beautifully different perspective - it's a boyish woner - it's an attention to minute details, it's a witness to the Christ in all forms of life that has challenge me beyond words. Even better is that they bring out the best in those they meet. Just watching them interact with each other - with the locals - I am so blessed to be in their company and I wish you coul meet them & see what I see.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
The start of something beautiful.....
So I'm sitting in the Honolulu airport about to leave the US. Flight time - 7:00AM. ETA 3:06PM August 4th. Hawaii has been awesome - absolutely incredible but I still feel physically out of it, like I'm in this daze caught somewhere in between reality and neverland. Emotionally, the sensation is indescribable - I want to cry - I want to beam with excitement all at the same time. The two emotions are inseparable and its the most amazing feeling that I do not want to fade... But perhaps is responsible for balancing each other out in the trance like state I've been walking around in - or perhaps thats just due to a more logical reason such as lack of sleep. I got about 2 hours of sleep the night before we left Scranton - up at 4:45AM to catch the bus to Newark. As we said goodbye to all of the departing groups - we slowly dwindled to 5 of us - and flew into a realm where time almost stood still. Our plane moved with the revolving sun such that if you were telling time solely by the sun's position in the sky - we had temporarily figured out a way to suspend it's forward progression. The plane ride was phenomenal - for only having 2 hours of sleep, I thought I was going to crach, but Dwyer and I stayed up and talked & entertained ourselves for nearly the entire flight... It was such a comfort to share those moments - all 9 and a half hours of them with someone going through the exact same thing - doing it together. I felt so bad for our other community mate AJ who had to make the trek alone & met us in Hawaii.
So we landed in Honolulu - all of us as giddy as 4 year olds for in Disney World for the first time! Who are we to be having this experience - to be laying over in Hawai'i and living on a tropical island for 2 years?? Our two night layover in Hawai'i has been a dream for us all. Yesterday we got up early, headed to Waikiki beach, met up with a former Majuro JV who now resides in HI, climbed trees, swam, rented bikes, hiked up to the top of diamond head crater only to look out over the island of Oahu, ate dinner along the beach as the sun was setting to the left and as a sunshower left a rainbow spanning the sky to the right. Simply UNBELIEVABLE. Needless to say we packed an entire vacation into one day.
We left the hotel at 4:30 this mornign and are currently surrounded in the airport by numerous other volunteers. Some of the rest of my group felt disillusioned by their presence - many of whom are going to the Marshalls & even Chuuk. They felt like they were only one of many in a long line of volunteers - that their mission was no longer just theirs....I feel a sense of security - knowing that there are other people out there who long for the same things as I do - that we are not alone in our plight.
Soooo where's the twist Trunce - blah blah blah- yeah that's great you're going to Chuuk......
so as I wrote the above entry, I was called by my group members to go throguh check in - so i saved the draft - and am returning to it now......NOW i am STILL sitting in Hawaii at a very nice hotel. Why you ask? Wellllll Continental overbooked the flight right? so Dwyer and I technically did not have seats. Typically people dont' show - so there is always room and that is why Continental is legally allowed to do that - but today was not one of those days....sooo there was a whole family who did not have seats & who needed to be in Chuuk for a funeral - so we gave up our seats to them (AJ gave up his assigned seat so that the 3 of us could stay together) We didn't get a chance to say goodbye to the Marshall group who was already on the plane by the time we made the decision to stay. SOOOO Continental put us up in the Ohana Islander Resort a block from Waikiki beach - and we will not be leaving now until Friday!!!! WHAT IS THE BIG MAN DOING TO US!!!???
We were SOOO excited to acutally be in Chuuk today - to make this life a reality - no longer this vision - or some creation of our imagination.....no longer something that we could create in our minds - not a story we can fabricate as we see fit.......perhaps it was that we were so comfortable with the idea - completely ready to go & be there......I know there is a reason - which is exciting in itself - we were supposed to be in Chuuk in only a few hours - and he has a whole other plan in mind!!! Soooo we'll slow down - relax - and prep ourselves for our Friday departure!!!
so hopefully next time I write to you - there will be people, smells, places, feelings - next time I write.....I will be in Chuuk.....
so as your world continues to revolve - as your story continues to unfold - breathe intentionally. It is impossible to feel God any closer - any more alive than in your own breath......
Thank you for your calls, texts, e-mails - you have no idea how strong the spirit is that I feel behind me this whole way. Please continue to keep in touch - as your life and your love - gives me reason to persist.
So we landed in Honolulu - all of us as giddy as 4 year olds for in Disney World for the first time! Who are we to be having this experience - to be laying over in Hawai'i and living on a tropical island for 2 years?? Our two night layover in Hawai'i has been a dream for us all. Yesterday we got up early, headed to Waikiki beach, met up with a former Majuro JV who now resides in HI, climbed trees, swam, rented bikes, hiked up to the top of diamond head crater only to look out over the island of Oahu, ate dinner along the beach as the sun was setting to the left and as a sunshower left a rainbow spanning the sky to the right. Simply UNBELIEVABLE. Needless to say we packed an entire vacation into one day.
We left the hotel at 4:30 this mornign and are currently surrounded in the airport by numerous other volunteers. Some of the rest of my group felt disillusioned by their presence - many of whom are going to the Marshalls & even Chuuk. They felt like they were only one of many in a long line of volunteers - that their mission was no longer just theirs....I feel a sense of security - knowing that there are other people out there who long for the same things as I do - that we are not alone in our plight.
Soooo where's the twist Trunce - blah blah blah- yeah that's great you're going to Chuuk......
so as I wrote the above entry, I was called by my group members to go throguh check in - so i saved the draft - and am returning to it now......NOW i am STILL sitting in Hawaii at a very nice hotel. Why you ask? Wellllll Continental overbooked the flight right? so Dwyer and I technically did not have seats. Typically people dont' show - so there is always room and that is why Continental is legally allowed to do that - but today was not one of those days....sooo there was a whole family who did not have seats & who needed to be in Chuuk for a funeral - so we gave up our seats to them (AJ gave up his assigned seat so that the 3 of us could stay together) We didn't get a chance to say goodbye to the Marshall group who was already on the plane by the time we made the decision to stay. SOOOO Continental put us up in the Ohana Islander Resort a block from Waikiki beach - and we will not be leaving now until Friday!!!! WHAT IS THE BIG MAN DOING TO US!!!???
We were SOOO excited to acutally be in Chuuk today - to make this life a reality - no longer this vision - or some creation of our imagination.....no longer something that we could create in our minds - not a story we can fabricate as we see fit.......perhaps it was that we were so comfortable with the idea - completely ready to go & be there......I know there is a reason - which is exciting in itself - we were supposed to be in Chuuk in only a few hours - and he has a whole other plan in mind!!! Soooo we'll slow down - relax - and prep ourselves for our Friday departure!!!
so hopefully next time I write to you - there will be people, smells, places, feelings - next time I write.....I will be in Chuuk.....
so as your world continues to revolve - as your story continues to unfold - breathe intentionally. It is impossible to feel God any closer - any more alive than in your own breath......
Thank you for your calls, texts, e-mails - you have no idea how strong the spirit is that I feel behind me this whole way. Please continue to keep in touch - as your life and your love - gives me reason to persist.
Monday, August 01, 2005
HONOLULU LOOKOUT!!!
Tommorrow at this time I will be on a direct flight to Honolulu!!! WOO WOO WOO WOOOO!!!!! It's absolutely NUTS to think about and I am still having a hard time believing that this is acutally happening!! Emotions are running SOOO very high right now!!! We had a beautiful commissioning mass yesterday up here at Scranton said by Father Lally - it was simply amazing!! I was just so overwhelmed by the delivery of his homily & the delicate choice of words. His homily centered around the idea of letting go, that this is not, and never has been in my control. What I am doing is not some mastermind plan to save the world, or to save myself, but simply an answer to a call to let God love me better. I was overcome with this feeling of surrender, that everything - all the anxiety that had built up over the past few weeks and months in preparation needed to be handed over-and I needed to say yes.
The hardest part is the leaving, knowing that life as I know it here at home will change once I leave the continental US tomorrow. I trust that God is already where I am going, and has obviously left a blazing trail where I've been.....We did a walking prayer this morning - where we partnered up and spent an hour or two praying, talking and sharing, and my partner Adam gave me such a beautiful perspective when I was talking about my difficulty with change - while I have such a hard time because of all that I was leaving behind, he said "I absolutely LOVE change because it gives me such a greater appreciation for what I had...." It is not so much about what I am loosing - but what I am gaining that has become a consolation during my last hours here. The glass is always half full.....every drop lemonade.
But us island kids are THRILLED to be spending a day and a half in Hawaii. Both our Chuuk Group and the Marshall Island group are really close (THEY ALREADY CALL ME TRUNCE!!!!)& are plotting to be biking around the beaches of Hawaii and dancing up a storm in just two days from now!!
So now - the real adventure begins....thank you for being with me, for your prayers along this first stretch - i know it is only the tip of the iceburg - but your support throughout is more of a blessing than you know!!
Enjoy the feast day of St. Ignatius....Risk being passionate. Go and set the world on fire.
The hardest part is the leaving, knowing that life as I know it here at home will change once I leave the continental US tomorrow. I trust that God is already where I am going, and has obviously left a blazing trail where I've been.....We did a walking prayer this morning - where we partnered up and spent an hour or two praying, talking and sharing, and my partner Adam gave me such a beautiful perspective when I was talking about my difficulty with change - while I have such a hard time because of all that I was leaving behind, he said "I absolutely LOVE change because it gives me such a greater appreciation for what I had...." It is not so much about what I am loosing - but what I am gaining that has become a consolation during my last hours here. The glass is always half full.....every drop lemonade.
But us island kids are THRILLED to be spending a day and a half in Hawaii. Both our Chuuk Group and the Marshall Island group are really close (THEY ALREADY CALL ME TRUNCE!!!!)& are plotting to be biking around the beaches of Hawaii and dancing up a storm in just two days from now!!
So now - the real adventure begins....thank you for being with me, for your prayers along this first stretch - i know it is only the tip of the iceburg - but your support throughout is more of a blessing than you know!!
Enjoy the feast day of St. Ignatius....Risk being passionate. Go and set the world on fire.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Silence
Heeyyy!! Sooo orientation is winding down and GO TIME is rapidly approaching!!! We just returned yesterday from a 2 day silent retreat which was AMAZING!! I have never been on a silent retreat before, and if you have not - i STRONGLY suggest going at some point. Personally, I had always been a little skeptical, never wanted to make the time, but after these past few weeks, I was in DESPERATE need of some quiet time away.
I've always wondered why people are so deathly afraid of silence - of awkward silence - why we feel ourselves compelled to fill that space with idle chatter, and I've come to realize that silence is so intimidating because it is YOU and yourself - no distractions, no masks, no cover ups - you are facing yourself in all of your glory, and all of your demons - and it is scary...silence creates this space in which you are held captive to yourself...The way I see it - what is more beautiful? What is more liberating than confronting the beauty of yourself? Liberating includes the good - the positive the thoughts that are pleasant over which to ruminate. But it includes the bad - the thoughts suppresed, the thoughts tucked away - the thoughts that make us cringe, the thoughts that corrode the inner linings of our soul because we refuse to attend to them. It makes you confront the person that you've molded -the person you've spent 22 +/- years reshaping, fashioning, loving and its truth time - can you sit along and be with the person you are responsible for?
One of my groupmates described the experience something like this "imagine that you are a pot of stew - brewing on the stove right? and silence is this big wooden spoon right? and this big wooden spoon comes in and stirs the pot such that gradually everythign that had been sitting at the bottom of the pot slowly rises up to the top" pretty crazy eh?
So I'm in the chapel for evening prayer the first night that we were there, and there is this thunderstorm RAGING outside the stained glass windows. I'm trying desperately to find some solace in the silence, but am constantly distracted by the crashing thunder & flickering lightining. Gradually this smile spreads across my face and I get up. I leave the chapel, walk past the crowd of people standing at the door watching the storm from inside, and step outside. It is pouring rain. I am drenched. The lighting is masquerading across the sky in ways nobody knew lighting could. The humbling presence of the thunder is so powerful. This thunderstorm just exuded such majesty and dominance over the creation as I knew it.
I'm a firm believer in looking for God in the simple things in life - the little pleasures. I've always said that God does not answer you in lighting bolts and it is ridiculous to spend your life waiting for him to. But that night he did. Two of my groupmates walked up behind me - we just hugged, held hands - words would have marred the moment - there was just this sense of serenity that He was in control, and I was at His mercy. The rain was this cleansing presence washing over me.......and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was where I was supposed to be.
WOW so silent retreat was INTENSE - ha ha that's funny - im confused as to how this orientation has been so far!! But we've got about 3 days left to spend with each other - bonding, sharing - running, playing frisbee - you name it!!!! W'eve been getting an OVERLOAD of site specific information as far as cultural customs, dress codes, stereotypes, gender issues, health issues etc....I'll be able to provide a better glimpse in to reality once I get there - but where we're going - AIN'T KANSAS!!!! :-) but will be beautiful and wonderful in its own way.
I simply ask for your prayers as these last few days get a little more and more strenuous, and as my heart become anxious. Please know taht you have all been in my prayers, the retreat was such a beautiful time to reflect on how much YOU mean to me & the impact you had had on my life - the reason I have come to this point - and am standing on the verge of this monumental transition.....
thank you
My Love,
My Prayers,
~Jaclyn
Nothing is ore practical than finding God, that is than falling in love in a quite absolute and final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imaginiation, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings. How you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything.
~Pedro Arrupe
I've always wondered why people are so deathly afraid of silence - of awkward silence - why we feel ourselves compelled to fill that space with idle chatter, and I've come to realize that silence is so intimidating because it is YOU and yourself - no distractions, no masks, no cover ups - you are facing yourself in all of your glory, and all of your demons - and it is scary...silence creates this space in which you are held captive to yourself...The way I see it - what is more beautiful? What is more liberating than confronting the beauty of yourself? Liberating includes the good - the positive the thoughts that are pleasant over which to ruminate. But it includes the bad - the thoughts suppresed, the thoughts tucked away - the thoughts that make us cringe, the thoughts that corrode the inner linings of our soul because we refuse to attend to them. It makes you confront the person that you've molded -the person you've spent 22 +/- years reshaping, fashioning, loving and its truth time - can you sit along and be with the person you are responsible for?
One of my groupmates described the experience something like this "imagine that you are a pot of stew - brewing on the stove right? and silence is this big wooden spoon right? and this big wooden spoon comes in and stirs the pot such that gradually everythign that had been sitting at the bottom of the pot slowly rises up to the top" pretty crazy eh?
So I'm in the chapel for evening prayer the first night that we were there, and there is this thunderstorm RAGING outside the stained glass windows. I'm trying desperately to find some solace in the silence, but am constantly distracted by the crashing thunder & flickering lightining. Gradually this smile spreads across my face and I get up. I leave the chapel, walk past the crowd of people standing at the door watching the storm from inside, and step outside. It is pouring rain. I am drenched. The lighting is masquerading across the sky in ways nobody knew lighting could. The humbling presence of the thunder is so powerful. This thunderstorm just exuded such majesty and dominance over the creation as I knew it.
I'm a firm believer in looking for God in the simple things in life - the little pleasures. I've always said that God does not answer you in lighting bolts and it is ridiculous to spend your life waiting for him to. But that night he did. Two of my groupmates walked up behind me - we just hugged, held hands - words would have marred the moment - there was just this sense of serenity that He was in control, and I was at His mercy. The rain was this cleansing presence washing over me.......and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was where I was supposed to be.
WOW so silent retreat was INTENSE - ha ha that's funny - im confused as to how this orientation has been so far!! But we've got about 3 days left to spend with each other - bonding, sharing - running, playing frisbee - you name it!!!! W'eve been getting an OVERLOAD of site specific information as far as cultural customs, dress codes, stereotypes, gender issues, health issues etc....I'll be able to provide a better glimpse in to reality once I get there - but where we're going - AIN'T KANSAS!!!! :-) but will be beautiful and wonderful in its own way.
I simply ask for your prayers as these last few days get a little more and more strenuous, and as my heart become anxious. Please know taht you have all been in my prayers, the retreat was such a beautiful time to reflect on how much YOU mean to me & the impact you had had on my life - the reason I have come to this point - and am standing on the verge of this monumental transition.....
thank you
My Love,
My Prayers,
~Jaclyn
Nothing is ore practical than finding God, that is than falling in love in a quite absolute and final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imaginiation, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings. How you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything.
~Pedro Arrupe
Monday, July 25, 2005
Fo' REAL!!??
OHHH MAANNN they just handed out our plane tickets today!!!! That was a reality shock I was not expecting!! Of course it's exciting - but now that the tickets are IN OUR POSESSION - it is much more real than before!! We leave Scranton at 5:30 AM Monday morning for Newark airport along with the groups going to the Marshall Islands and Belize. THe Belize kids fly to Dallas & then on to Belize and will arrive around 2 in the afternoon on the 1st. The Island groups however fly directly to Honolulu around 1:30 pm - spend 2 nights in Hawaii and fly out to Micronesia and 7AM on August 4th!!!! ha ha yeah we are pretty amped!!
This week continues to be wonderful - though filled with so many ups and downs!! Just sooooo much to struggle with in preparation for this craaazzyyy adventure, but it's good because I know I'm being pushed in ways i've never been pushed before. The past few days i've gotten up to run with some of the runners in the group - there are SOO MANNYY!!! And daily we either round up some competetive games of basketball or ultimate!!! Since we're sitting in sessions all day - ANYTHING we can do to run around has been fantastic!!! Ha ha - AJ, Chris and I also conducted a RAP battle for one of our evening activities!!! I have a feeling between the 3 of us - we are never going to be at a loss for creativity. We had Mass at the Jesuit Residence yesterday and it was simply amazing, definately a highlight of the week - to be in a space SOOO filled with the Holy Spirit, so filled with faith. I was simply overwhelmed, everyone sang, everyone prayed, everyone held hands at the Our Father everyone was so passionately devoted to being in that space for that hour - i did not want it to end!!! again - i reiterate - these people blow me away!! So then I'm leaving the Jez Rez after a fantastic bbq and who do i run into - but the one & only Netterzzzzz - and i'm seeing my parents todayyy on the afternoon break that they give us!!! I'm being soo spoiled because I live so close!!! However - that in itself is quite the culture shock - to be in a place where I AM THE ONLY ONE FROM JUST OUTSIDE PHILLY!!! There is a kid from Jersey City and the Bronx - and taht's IT!!!! everyone else is from all over the country & I LOVE IT!!!
So all in all the week has been great, and I know this upcoming week is going to get much more intense as emotions will run strong, fears deep and as we become more vulnerable to the experiences that await us. Thank you for your continued support and prayers - you have no idea how it continues to pull me through on a daily basis. I know that because of you all the Lord is working double time to be present with me through these few weeks!!! and I am so very grateful!! So with a little help from the inspiration of Lynette - I share my prayer/His words in response to your faith:
I am committed forever to love you; to do whatever is best for you. I will be kind, encouraging and enabling, but I will also be challenging. At times I will come to comfort you in your affliction. At other times, I will come to afflict you in your comfort. Whatever I do, it will ALWAYS be an act of Love and an invitation to Growth. I will be with you to illuminate your darkness, to strengthen your weakness, to fill your emptiness, to heal your brokenness, to cure your sickness, to straighten what may be bent in you, and to revive whatever good things may have died in you. Remain united in me, accept my love, enjoy the warmth of my friendship, avail yourself to my power and you will bear much fruit. You will have life in all its fullness. I Love You....
Your Jesus
This week continues to be wonderful - though filled with so many ups and downs!! Just sooooo much to struggle with in preparation for this craaazzyyy adventure, but it's good because I know I'm being pushed in ways i've never been pushed before. The past few days i've gotten up to run with some of the runners in the group - there are SOO MANNYY!!! And daily we either round up some competetive games of basketball or ultimate!!! Since we're sitting in sessions all day - ANYTHING we can do to run around has been fantastic!!! Ha ha - AJ, Chris and I also conducted a RAP battle for one of our evening activities!!! I have a feeling between the 3 of us - we are never going to be at a loss for creativity. We had Mass at the Jesuit Residence yesterday and it was simply amazing, definately a highlight of the week - to be in a space SOOO filled with the Holy Spirit, so filled with faith. I was simply overwhelmed, everyone sang, everyone prayed, everyone held hands at the Our Father everyone was so passionately devoted to being in that space for that hour - i did not want it to end!!! again - i reiterate - these people blow me away!! So then I'm leaving the Jez Rez after a fantastic bbq and who do i run into - but the one & only Netterzzzzz - and i'm seeing my parents todayyy on the afternoon break that they give us!!! I'm being soo spoiled because I live so close!!! However - that in itself is quite the culture shock - to be in a place where I AM THE ONLY ONE FROM JUST OUTSIDE PHILLY!!! There is a kid from Jersey City and the Bronx - and taht's IT!!!! everyone else is from all over the country & I LOVE IT!!!
So all in all the week has been great, and I know this upcoming week is going to get much more intense as emotions will run strong, fears deep and as we become more vulnerable to the experiences that await us. Thank you for your continued support and prayers - you have no idea how it continues to pull me through on a daily basis. I know that because of you all the Lord is working double time to be present with me through these few weeks!!! and I am so very grateful!! So with a little help from the inspiration of Lynette - I share my prayer/His words in response to your faith:
I am committed forever to love you; to do whatever is best for you. I will be kind, encouraging and enabling, but I will also be challenging. At times I will come to comfort you in your affliction. At other times, I will come to afflict you in your comfort. Whatever I do, it will ALWAYS be an act of Love and an invitation to Growth. I will be with you to illuminate your darkness, to strengthen your weakness, to fill your emptiness, to heal your brokenness, to cure your sickness, to straighten what may be bent in you, and to revive whatever good things may have died in you. Remain united in me, accept my love, enjoy the warmth of my friendship, avail yourself to my power and you will bear much fruit. You will have life in all its fullness. I Love You....
Your Jesus
Thursday, July 21, 2005
You Are Called
So I typically spend my days sitting in awe at these people who I am so blessed to be among. It is such an honor, and such a challenge to me to look around and be amidst people of such strong faith. Though our days together have been few so far, I find they are constantly pushing me to grow. They all come here with so much to offer, and all I can do is sit and absorb from them. It is truly a privledge, though a very humbling experience nonetheless. We are all becoming so close, so quickly. It has been really tough the first few days being at that point where everyone is definately more than an acquaintance, though not yet close enough for physical contact, and to come from a week FILLED with hugs that never ended - such close beautiful human touch, to an absence of that has been hard. It makes you realize how much you crave someone's hand to hold, or shoulder, or hug because you know how much they love you for who you are. I had just finished writing about how desperately I needed some form of human touch and a presenter made us do an exercise that focused on the power of our hands, ending with the invitation to outstretch our hands and feel the pulse through the hand of our neighbor. It is moments like that that I am so grateful for your prayers, becuase I know He is listening to you, and is so very present with me. He even sent a JQ (Jim QUirk) look alike - similar looks, similar sense of humor, and he's even in my small group! Definately a comforting presence being here with someone I know quite well(sort of)!! (Needless to say, those barriers will and are slowly crumbling as we get to know each other so much better.) These JV's are such a fun-loving group of people - just willing to try anything. Tonight I taught everyone the shoe game (FRIES SOUNDOFF!!) and they LOVED IT!!!! then we proceeded to play tug of war and double dutch for hours!!!! There is just such an imminent sense of love and passion here that is becoming so very tangible.
Yesterday a few of the former JV's sat down the new JV"s who are going to Chuuk, and Majuro in the Marshall Islands and did a native Island farewell dance/song and gave us authentic island necklaces!!!! Their way of passing on the torch - and it was WONDERFUL!!!! our first real taste!! AJ, Chris and I have not taken off our necklaces!!! :-)
The days are LONG and INTENSE!! but definately helpful!!! In one of the sessions the presenter shared this with us, and I hope that you might enjoy it as much as I did. Just remember these words when you doubt yourself and your beauty....
You Are Called
There is an old tradition that the creator sends each person into this world with a special message to deliver, with a special song to sing for others, witha special act of love to bestow. No one else can speak my message, or sing my song, or offer my act of love. These have been entrusted only to me.
According to this tradition, the message may be spoken, the song sung, the act of love delivered to a few, or to all the people in a small town, or all the people in a large city, or even to all the people in the whole world. It all depends on God's unique plan for each unique person.
So from my heart, I want to say this to you - please believe that you have an important message to deliver, you have a beautiful song to sing, and a unique act of love to warm this world and to brighten its darkness.
And when the final history of hte world is written, your message, your song, and your love will be recorded gratefully, and forever.
Yesterday a few of the former JV's sat down the new JV"s who are going to Chuuk, and Majuro in the Marshall Islands and did a native Island farewell dance/song and gave us authentic island necklaces!!!! Their way of passing on the torch - and it was WONDERFUL!!!! our first real taste!! AJ, Chris and I have not taken off our necklaces!!! :-)
The days are LONG and INTENSE!! but definately helpful!!! In one of the sessions the presenter shared this with us, and I hope that you might enjoy it as much as I did. Just remember these words when you doubt yourself and your beauty....
You Are Called
There is an old tradition that the creator sends each person into this world with a special message to deliver, with a special song to sing for others, witha special act of love to bestow. No one else can speak my message, or sing my song, or offer my act of love. These have been entrusted only to me.
According to this tradition, the message may be spoken, the song sung, the act of love delivered to a few, or to all the people in a small town, or all the people in a large city, or even to all the people in the whole world. It all depends on God's unique plan for each unique person.
So from my heart, I want to say this to you - please believe that you have an important message to deliver, you have a beautiful song to sing, and a unique act of love to warm this world and to brighten its darkness.
And when the final history of hte world is written, your message, your song, and your love will be recorded gratefully, and forever.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
July 19, 2005 I MADE IT TO SCRANTON
After one of the hardest weeks of my life, I MADE IT TO SCRANTON! Though I do not know what lies ahead, I am still confident that the goodbyes were/will be collectively one of the hardest parts of this decision. "How blessed am I to have a love so great that makes saying goodbye so hard?" The fact that it has been so hard to leave just means that I have been given some of the most amazingly beautiful relationships that I cherish dearly and do not want to loose.
Though the majority of July 17th was painfully difficult, as soon as I stepped foot into the chapel with all of the other volunteers, I felt such a calming presence. These people simply have a spirit about them that gives me strength and composure to keep breathing one breath at a time. I also got to meet A.J. and Chris, with whom I will be living in Chuuk - and they are simply phenomenal. They enjoy dancing - nearly as much as I do!! NEED I SAY MORE!!!?? A.J. is from Holy Cross, and Chris is from Wisconsin and actually went to school at Marquette High with Jdemps!!! small world!
The days here all seem to be PACKED with info sessions - the JVI covenant, culture shock, mission, purpose etc... - a lot to manage, but we've got some nice down time interspersed which gives us some time to hang out, play basketball, apples to apples, the ride the pony game (ha ha if you know what i'm talking about - SUCH a great game!!) & process it all. We're staying in Gavigan Hall (Lynette's old stomping ground) which i might add is quite a confusing building - but they have been in the process of replacing all of the toilets - JUST FOR US (or so we'd like to think) which makes for an interesting scene when navigating the hall amidst a collection of free standing johns!!
So I know it's only been not even three days, but things are going well so far!! Hopefully next time i'll be back with a more coherent & informative posting!!! :-) Love and Prayers!
Though the majority of July 17th was painfully difficult, as soon as I stepped foot into the chapel with all of the other volunteers, I felt such a calming presence. These people simply have a spirit about them that gives me strength and composure to keep breathing one breath at a time. I also got to meet A.J. and Chris, with whom I will be living in Chuuk - and they are simply phenomenal. They enjoy dancing - nearly as much as I do!! NEED I SAY MORE!!!?? A.J. is from Holy Cross, and Chris is from Wisconsin and actually went to school at Marquette High with Jdemps!!! small world!
The days here all seem to be PACKED with info sessions - the JVI covenant, culture shock, mission, purpose etc... - a lot to manage, but we've got some nice down time interspersed which gives us some time to hang out, play basketball, apples to apples, the ride the pony game (ha ha if you know what i'm talking about - SUCH a great game!!) & process it all. We're staying in Gavigan Hall (Lynette's old stomping ground) which i might add is quite a confusing building - but they have been in the process of replacing all of the toilets - JUST FOR US (or so we'd like to think) which makes for an interesting scene when navigating the hall amidst a collection of free standing johns!!
So I know it's only been not even three days, but things are going well so far!! Hopefully next time i'll be back with a more coherent & informative posting!!! :-) Love and Prayers!
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