Acceptance

Running used to be liberating. I am SO grateful that I can run here, however I feel as though a run has become something altogether restricting. I used to run in a sports bra & “booty shorts.” Here, it is customary to run in mesh shorts down to my knees and a t-shirt, (I know my Hounds can empathize with a shared hatred of the cotton T) bogged down by the extra weight of sweat soaked material. I used to be able to run for miles – letting my legs fly from underneath me as they pleased. Here, I can only run so far before I must turn around for fear that the sweltering heat and unyielding sun that gradually sucks the life out of my perpetually dehydrated body will prevent me from making it back to Xavier on my own willpower. People line the streets as I run through, which one could easily mistake for a personal cheering squat, but I cannot say anything but an impish “Nesor Annim (Good Morning).” Little budding runners match my stride – two of theirs to every one of mine, but I cannot cheer them on – I can’t say anything encouraging but smile and wave as their breath grows short and their steps trail off.

Adjusting has also been much harder that I could have imagined as physically manifested in upset stomachs and migraines. You would think - new world…so much to explore and take in…..and there IS… oh my goodness gracious there is! But adjusting to life away from home has in all honesty been so tough. The power goes on and off at whim and the internet works sporadically so it is very hard to get online and check e-mails. Even when I can get online, I can’t even begin to respond sufficiently with everything that I want to say! Thus, I do feel so cut off and isolated…I just don’t want those people who I care about so much – I don’t want YOU to foget how much I love you. When I can’t be there in person and I could never fully convey it in an e-mail, the best I can do is pray that you don’t forget…Pray that God wraps His arms around you everyday. You send such lovely e-mails and support and I just pray in some small way you can understand and can feel my love reciprocated. There is no way I could ever thank you enough – but trust that I have some monster hugs waiting for you when I return – and I do mean MONSTER. (in case you weren’t aware – Hugs accrue interest in the form of intensity….thus – you can only imagine how INTENSE these hugs are going to be after 22 months of interest!!!)

I think part of what has been so difficult is my shifting roles – to go from a Senior, an RA, a mentor, a captain, a friend, a leader and a runner - to starting back at the bottom is quite a shock to my system. I suppose I didn’t fully realize just how deeply those roles had become ingrained in who I was and how I had learned to fill them out. But so much of the loss I am feeling comes from knowing that I no longer play those roles in the same capacity. I am starting from scratch – as a student – earning my respect very slowly – learning, being an observer – re-identifying myself and determining where exactly I fit in. We had a whole talk at orientation on grief and loss – but there is no true way to prepare yourself for when it actually hits you…

as I’m sitting here writing, 2 new students walked by – wandering through the halls (the boarders are starting to return) Sonny and Amaroy….and so it begins – building that relationship – earning their trust. Unfortunately they are Juniors, so I will not have them in class, but they are both runners – so thought I struggle to pursue my own passions – perhaps part of me will be able to live vicariously through them…..

Though I entered JVI intentionally for the community and support I thought I’d find – it seems as though I am encountering more support from the people here who I’ve come to know personally – from pushing myself beyond the luxuries of comfortable conversation – and to sit in the sometimes awkward silence – struggling to mesh Americanism and Chuukese. Rutón, one of the Xavier workers and our “certified” Chuukese instructor has been a wonderful blessing – helping me to bridge the expansive gap between these two drastically different cultures. The other day, we left the island of Weno with the Xavier workers to picnic on a remote island out on one of the outer atolls. Rutón and some of the women showed me how to skin sea cucumbers and search for octopus. He helped me to translate the conversation whirling around us and even just sat and raced hermit crabs with me… By the end of our conversation I learned that he graduated from UH Hilo in 1998 and is considering pursuing a graduate degree in business (or law!) I told him that I would help him look into Grad schools on the US mainland – so perhaps you will get to meet him one day if he follows his dream!!

Perhaps what I need is more a feeling of acceptance than necessarily being supported?? The town is preparing for an inter-village track competition – so there are people running around EVERYWHERE –(It’s GREATTTTT let me tell you!!!) But today we were asked to help out timing as the runners circled the 200 meter grass field marked off by sticks arranged in an oval pattern right?? so afterwards I was trying to speak to the coach who knew broken English….and as he told me his name and shook my hand – then ENTIRE crowd – filled with runners, children, mothers – (yeah the ENTIRE village of Sapuk shows up even for these practice runs) ERUPTS with laughter, OOOOHHHHHHHHH’s, clapping, heckling and what not……by that point I’m thoroughly embarrassed –with no place to hide in a wide open field…not knowing what is going on…..but apparently, as I was later told, there exists a strong cultural barrier between men & women – and the fact that he had deliberately – in front of everyone broken that barrier and shook my hand – then patted me on the back – sent the crowd into hysterics…….

To walk through the neighborhood unable to distinguish whether the children are giggling because the white girl just said “Hi” to them, or laughing because there is a white girl walking by makes you feel so helpless….but coming home to a worker asking if I’ll just sit and talk is a feeling of acceptance that I long for…..