Falling
I’ve been told to be careful. I’ve been told not to go looking for it. I’ve been told that it will come when I least expect it. I’ve been told that if it happens to you, it’s like nothing you’ve ever felt before. I’ve been told it only comes once in a lifetime. I trusted it would happen sooner or later…I have fallen in love. I was careful, but I suppose I did go looking for it. It is a love I’ve never felt before but I hope and pray that it is not limited to just this once….Beautiful brown eyes, that as dark as they are do not come close to masking the fire within them. They exude an irrepressible passion. A personality so alive and willing to make manifest all that lies within. A humility still teetering the line between modesty and confidence. A multitude of talents each complemented by the desire to pursue and cultivate. Smile like the sun. 5’4. Her name is Lu-A.
For our JVI retreat this year, we decided to hike up to the top of Wetipon – the 2nd tallest mountain (if you want to call it that) on Weno…camp out for the night and then the next day do a walking stations of the cross around the island. We were supposed to leave around 4:30 on Friday to try and get up there before dark. On this particular Friday, right after school let out around 3:00 – my precious Lu-A stepped into my office and we began chatting. For those of you who haven’t met Lu-A yet, she is one of the smartest, most athletically talented and beautiful Palauan freshman at Xavier. She’s the top in her class, co-captain of the basketball team, and one of the stars not to mention one of the most articulate and genuine kids here.
So this afternoon, the conversation just came out of left field and brought me to my knees. We started just talking about basketball I think, and it spiraled into this heartfelt conversation about her family, her parents, how she came here to Xavier – what it was like to say goodbye to her niece…. how her father was crying as he let her go….. then she started crying – and I started crying (as unsuccessfully as I tried not to) – but it was absolutely beautiful….just to see and feel that raw emotion – and to be able to relate to it. It was not just the leaving – I mean obviously – all of us here have gone through that in some way – leaving all that is familiar – leaving part of our identity for the sake of becoming part of this new community here at Xavier. I have no room to complain about that – or even praise myself …..these kids are doing it at 14 – I should be able to handle it at 22!! But I could empathize with her in knowing what it’s like to have parents, to have people at home who are soo proud of you…and who don’t just tell you…..but who show you they love you in every way they know how…….
After trying desperately to pick up the pieces of my melted heart off the floor, I was rushing around throwing stuff in a bag for the night……we left around 5:00…and timed our hike perfectly such that we crested the mountain in time to see the sun setting. We claimed our ground at this rocky clearing and just soaked it in…….my words fail me here……….we could look out over the island – we could see Xavier down below. We could see nothing but horizon out ahead. We could see nothing but vastness speckled with millions of nascent stars overhead.
A hearty dinner of spaghettio’s cooked on our hard-earned fire satisfied us enough to gaze out on the lagoon in reflection for the rest of the evening. One of my community mates led reflection, and after he was finished, he pulled out this envelope filled with letters. Apparently, he had gone around and asked the students to write if they wanted to say a few words to us on our retreat. If I wasn’t floored already, I hit a new all time low (and by low I mean ultimate HIGH) It was absolutely amazing – for him to think of that, and for so many students to cooperate with him. A whole school of high school students showing me the Lord’s face. I thought I was supposed to be their source of guidance, their teacher, their mentor. I seriously underestimated the Lord and his vessels.
Hi Jacky! How are you? I hope you really enjoy your retreat. Remember to open and share to those people that come with you, an also trust them. Please remember all of the Orionz (My sophomore class!) in your prayers especially me to that God may help us to improve our grades next quarter. Anyways, thanks for everything that you have done for us during the first quarter. And to be honest, the Orionz really consider you as our mom and we really love you. Okay bye love always Bireen Francis #22 God Bless You!!
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We fell asleep under the stars. From where we were laying, even the STARS reflected in the water. Now I’ve seen moonbeams bouncing off the water, but never stars….. yes – EVEN the stars!!!!! I’ll admit I’ve slept on softer ground – I woke up periodically trying to find the best way to fit my back comfortable into the groove of the rocks. But it wasn’t an annoying disturbance, because each time I woke up – I looked up, and looked out and was gently reminded of where I was. Once it started getting light out, I went around and woke everyone else up to let them know the sun was rising…..groggily we all sat at the edge of the mountain and watched it rise together…….. ha ha – yeah I know……where am I?
No seriously, where am I? How is it that I was chosen to be here? I left trying to escape the status and the privilege that only a small minority of this world enjoy. While I’ll never completely be able to disentangle myself from it, I’ve somehow found myself more deeply steeped in it… to be surrounded by the amazing people here – to be able to live in and explore a natural paradise…. I’m even more privileged being here… So much so that I often question how it is that I am working for social justice. It doesn’t feel like service – is that because there eventually becomes an every dayness about it??? Or is that because in actuality, it’s really not service at all?? I came here thinking it would be service – fulfilling my devotion to the Lord – serving his people. That was the draw of JVI, but once I got here – to my dismay, I find out it’s all just a ploy – for the Lord to get me out here so that He can bless me with even more. That frustrates me – being tricked.
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I once went to Fries, Va. with a very wise man - Dr. Dickie Flerg his name. Months….even years later he continues to touch my life… Greg Mellor sent me a beautiful letter a few weeks ago just before we left for our faculty retreat. (oh yeah so our faculty retreat 2 weeks earlier– the best way I could describe it:
You are on a private secluded beach looking out at the crystal blue water speckled with tiny distant islands on the horizon. The only obstruction - the coconut trees that frame your panorama. They not only drape into your peripheral vision, but they surround you on all sides forming this protective layer between you and the intrusive sun. The breeze sweeps over you, rinsing your soul – becoming one with your breath. The sun’s rays mercilessly seize control of the defenseless clouds who surrender to shades of lavender and rose. You dig your feet into the sand in preparation for the spectacle that is about to take place. A voice gently lures you back to the reality at hand, “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.” And mass begins. mmm yeah kind of like that!!)
On a double sided sheet of blue paper he sent a lovely poem written by one of the prisoners he worked with in Sacramento. Through God’s providence, I did not flip the paper over to see the contents of the other side until a moment when it would touch me most deeply. Thank you Greg, for your forethought, and your ability to let God use you to show others His face!!
The paper spilled out of my journal and it was 2 weeks later – after this JVI retreat weekend that I saw there was another side to the paper, and read these words….
Trust the Slow Work of God
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
We are, quite naturally,
impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being
on the way to something unknown,
something new,
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability
And that it may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually
let them grow,
let them shape themselves,
without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today
what time (that is to say, grace and
circumstances acting on your own good will)
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
an accept the anxiety of
feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.
I know its much easier said than done. What I expected, and wanted to happen quickly and instantly has taken over three months to come to fruition, and it’s still only a fraction of a tip of the iceburg. The road is so long, and so often there is no end in sight, with no tangible consolation or reassurance. But TRUST the process. Give God the time He needs to work within you. Of course I have so much ahead of me, the hardest I’m sure I’ve yet to face, however these moments, this weekend has inspired a renewed patience, a revived belief, an invigorated trust in His slow work.
