Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Brown Socks

You’d think the novelty would have worn off. I was also nervous that it might have - as most things do the second time around. Nothing is new anymore and it becomes easy to adopt the “been there, done that” mentality. The center of the field boasted six lanes meticulously outlined in gravel waiting to be claimed. The mangrove branches that protruded from the ground had been arranged at fixed intervals to form the inner edge of the track. The speakers were blaring island beats from the rec house. The tarps were strung from nearby coconut trees to keep out the sun and the rain. The tents were assembled in the exact same spots as last year. It was complete déjà vu as I scanned the empty field. I already knew how the teams were going to process onto the field. I already knew that all of the island nations would sing their national anthems and the flag bearers who had spent three and a half years awaiting the opportunity would step to the ledge and flaunt their patriotism with grace and grandeur. While there is always viridity in being surprised for the first time, the beauty of the second time around is having something to look forward to.


Even with so much to look forward to during Xavier Day 2006, there were still events that succeeded in turning over 200 people of varying ages into toddlers no older than 5. Hot Ramen and Ice Cream Eating contests, dizzy races, wheelbarrow races and my personal favorites….a moderator race that pleased the crowd as the female moderators “pantsed” (I’ve never had to formally spell that word) the two male moderators and proceeded to laugh hysterically as they tore off for the finish line with the guys struggling to overcome the handicap of running 100M with pants around their ankles, and the coin biting race where “athletes” had to (without their hands) find a coin that had been buried in a pile of flour, complete the lap around the field and then at the finish line be the first to whistle – it’s a lot harder and funnier than it sounds!

As the mounting tension was released in the final heats of the relays, I found myself eagerly looking forward to the closing ceremonies, the hug fest that marks the desegregation of both the Tigerz and the Tritorianz teams, the emotion of those who have just realized the finality of the event, and the circular chorus of Amazing Grace that spans the entire field. I thought I had learned a valuable lesson about expectation, but found myself again disappointed that I missed the former events while tending to an injured Tiger who needed to be immobilized and lifted into the back of the pick-up truck to be transported to the hospital (She’s fine! No worries) Just as we are about to get her into the truck, the clouds open up and wreak what most would consider havoc on anyone standing below. But as the truck pulls away I notice the rain did not dampen but rather enlivened the conjoined circle of 150. As the song finished, all who were brave enough released the grasp of the person next to them to make a head first charge into the puddle that had become the middle of the field.

The festivities that followed the conclusion of the competition could have been out of a dream…. Even though it seemed foreboding as we watched students, cooks and even the director take hard falls on the icy slope, muddy behinds and 2 overturned containers of food couldn’t stifle the buoyant mood. That slope only minutes later turned into a hopping dance floor – if you wanted to call it a floor – more a thick layer of mud dissolving the few remaining blades of grass. The lack of island power and sporadic passing showers weren’t even enough to clear the dance floor of its brown knee-socked party-goers. Teachers, Directors, Students – sloshing around without a care in the world.

After the mess had been cleaned up and the girls had departed for the evening, the faculty had a chance to kick back in our refuge – the faculty porch. A relaxed game of Yahtzee wasn’t enough to hold the interest of everyone – only a select few who you could imagine after a while started to get the late night munchies. While we had the strength to stay up past our typical 10 pm bedtimes, we could not muster up the same might to resist the pristine cake just sitting idly on the kitchen counter. For reasons unknown, (but a hypothesis that it was being saved for a special dinner the next day) it had not been cut and served and on numerous occasions that evening we could hear it whisper secrets of tantalizing indulgence. Finally, someone among the 6 of us made the executive decision to cut it….though after a good 20 minutes of discussion, we had decided on attempting the unthinkable….Yes we were going to cut the cake without anyone noticing. How you ask? Well, I thought horizontally would be best, but it seemed as though vertical was our best bet for a clean getaway with minimal injury to the writing on top. We decided we were going to try and cut the cake in such a way that we could slide the pieces together to make it look whole again. Brilliant- I KNOW!!! What first started out as a joke turned into an hour long surgical procedure...first we marked the cake in the icing -exactly where we wanted to slice- certain that our lines were parallel so they could match up again.


Then using boiling water to clean the knife of any colored icing contamination and residual crumbs, we made the incisions carefully sidestepping the iced roses in the corners. Small piece by small piece we lifted out what we had cut for ourselves to enjoy post-op. With only one minor mishap – dropping a foreign object onto the cake which after a good laugh required an immediate reconstructive ice job, the procedure went well. It was then time for the risky part – the suture. First we were going to try and lift the whole right side of the cake and move it, but it was too dangerous given that the cake had been iced to the bottom sheet of cardboard – it would have been a disaster. Instead one of my esteemed colleagues thought of the ingenious plan – to cut the foil upon which the cake had been decorated. So we cut through the foil and in our defining moments of glory, slid the extraneous piece ever so slightly to the left until it matched up perfectly. With a little touch up work on the icing and a missing “y” in anniversary (a mistake that could have happened to any good baker when spelling such a long and complex word), the damage was virtually unrecognizable. I’m quite certain that I have never eaten a piece of cake that tasted better – and though I realize how ridiculous the previously described scene must sound, I can assure you it was perhaps the most fun that I’ve had at Xavier on a Friday night!!





Saraam

Three more minutes. 8 more tests to grade. 35 to record in the book. 1 lesson to plan for tomorrow. Power out. No moon tonight. Pitch black. I don’t like being told when I have to go to bed. Even when I was a little girl, I would sneak downstairs to ask why people die, or where babies come from in the hopes that it might spark a lengthy conversation so as to avoid having to be put to bed prematurely. But here – lights out – 10 pm, which in my opinion is much too early. I sit behind my desk in the complete dark for at least a minute or two waiting for my eyes to adjust and optimistically hoping that it might just be the generator turning over to island power. I haven’t yet determined if it is because I’m too lazy to get a flashlight, or because I love the challenge of it, but as it becomes apparent that power will not be returning, I decide to head back to my room – an extraordinary feat that has become routine. I put my pen down and leave the papers exactly as they are. I swing my hand around my desk about six inches above the piles of books that are strewn across it to locate my Nalgene which is never farther than an arms length away and is the only thing protruding from the surface of my desk. With my left hand I swing open the door of my desk and I identify my ukulele by the awkward sound it makes when my right hand goes to grab it. Standing up, I try to maintain balance as I grope my way over to the fan to shut it off so that it doesn’t waste energy when the power comes back on. Nearly knocking it over, but still proud of myself for remembering, I reach for the base – 1st, 2nd, 3rd, no - 4th button shuts it off. I shuffle step back to my desk which appears to have moved from where I remember it last, but with minimal disorientation I slide my hand along the edge until I find the door frame. I reach behind me and after a few tries make it to the doorknob and close the door behind me. The teacher’s hallway really isn’t very long, but in the dark can be treacherous. Switch from the right side (where my office is located) to the left side because there are shelves that line the right side of the hall which can be painful when you take one of those to the ribs. Lightly tapping my hand against the wall I walk at a relatively normal pace – straight forward - which is safe so long as there are no stray zorries (flip-flops) lurking about – they tend to throw off your gait. Oh geez, I forgot to turn out the light. Turn around. Go back. Nicky’s office. Dwyer’s office. Mine. Find the doorknob. Crack the door. Reach my hand in. Up. Up. Little more. Flick the switch. Close the door. Switch walls. Walk. Walk. Walk. Teacher’s Resource Room Door. Walk. Walk. Walk. Alright it should be right about here. Corner. Turn to the left. With my arms flailing in front of me, I’m careful not to walk into the doors that lead to the teacher’s hallway, which may or may not be closed. There it is. Tonight – one door open, one closed. I shake my water bottle to determine whether or not I need water, and I figure I should refill just to be safe. Hands still flailing I try to locate the door that leads to the kitchen – normally open. Oops the wall. Left. Left. Okay. I’ve got some breathing room, but still keep the limbs flailing to locate the door to the dining room. That one is always open unless the wind blows it shut. There’s the frame. Turn to the left, but avoid clipping my hip on the table and avoid…….Damnit face first into the concrete pillar. Regroup. Walk. Walk. Walk. Locate the water jug. I can tell the water bottle is under the spout because there is no longer the sound of water spilling on the floor and the bottle is getting heavier. Screw on the lid. Walk. Walk. Walk. DAMNIT concrete pillar AGAIN. Door Frame. I swing my feet around the floor trying to find my zorries. I find one. Nope too big. I step on another pair. They feel pink. Slide them on. Disoriented again. Arms out. Bulletin board. Walk straight. Walk back through the open door to the kitchen. Display case on the right. Touch. Touch. Touch. Edge. Now walk forward and you’ll hit the concrete railing. There it is. Slide right and you’ll feel it start to slope. That’s the start of the stairs. Down. Down. Down. Just at the last step the railing levels off so you don’t over step. Flat. Flat. Flat. Down the 2nd set of stairs. Down. Down. Down. Alright now I need to walk out far enough to walk exactly down the middle of the hallway. If I walk too far to either side, I’ll kick the potted plants, or one will brush up against my leg which is terrifying in the dark. Arms out just in case. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. I can smell fresh air. I made it outside. Oh bother - I always forget that step there. One more. Big step to avoid the puddle that is always at the door. Shuffling along I zig-zag in the direction of my room which is faintly outlined by the light of the stars. I’ve become accustomed to where the puddles are and where I need to step to avoid them. A little more to the right. Careful of the rocks – no stubbed toes tonight. Oops wet feet- it must have rained. That puddle was a little bigger than I thought. Walk. Walk. Walk. Coming down the home stretch. If I walk to the right it is a little more gradual, a few more rocks for traction and a little safer. Baby steps down the little hill. Baby steps. Baby steps. Almost there. One little hop and I made it to the concrete walk. Up the stairs. No problem. Around back of the top landing. Fumble for keys. Get in the lock. Try again. Get in the lock. Try again. Click. Turn. Place my water bottle in the designated spot on my dresser inches to the right of my door. Identify the box of matches always on the very corner. Pull one out. Strike it. Light.

Satisfaction

Journal Entry November 4th 2006

“Satisfaction. It feels wonderful. It feels like you’ve accomplished something – you’ve worked towards a goal and achieved it and can now revel in the success. So then lack of satisfaction = failure? Who doesn’t want the selfish satisfaction of being a skilled, revered, renowned teacher, mentor and coach?… I admit it. I have an unhealthy desire to be perfect and among countless others, the main problems with that are two-fold: #1 I foolishly think this is something that I do on my own…as in God gave me all of these gifts and it’s my job to perfectly return them to Him. #2 He doesn’t expect perfection from me. Yes, He has given me these gifts, but somehow I am oblivious to the fact that He doesn’t just drop the package, ring the doorbell and run…It is through Him that they come to fruition…Somehow I have this twisted notion that passion = perfection and that I’m not living passionately if I’m not perfect and if I’m not perfect I’m not succeeding and if I’m not succeeding then I am failing….


“The goal is to realize deeply the faith vision of all reality as the dynamic movement of God’s creative love toward the fulfillment of His external purpose (Eph 1-10). Through this realization, I am graced with a profound sense of the reality and majesty of God and of His personal love for me in creating me. I recognize His personal call to me to open myself to Him to perceive His unending fidelity to me. Consequently, I seek total spiritual freedom expressed by Ignatius in the words ‘make ourselves indifferent in order to surrender all of my desires to His concrete call to me, known or yet to be discovered, so that in all ways I shall always praise, reverence and serve God our Lord.’ Thus, all of my desires and choices and uses of creatures will become ordered to my own profound ruling desire – to move more and more to God as I discover every new call to me…[23 First Principle and Foundation – Spiritual Exercises]


And I suppose I’ve never thought of it like that – being indifferent so as to live with passion. It sounds ridiculous but it’s so true – emptying yourself of your own desires and wants – being completely indifferent to the world in the sense that you are free to let God decide and direct you where he chooses instead of me taking the liberty of doing it myself. It’s a fantastic concept and I guess that’s why they paid Loyola the big bucks!


The fact of the matter is that there is no ME in this, and it’s a truly humbling epiphany – that there is absolutely no I in this endeavor and I need to be indifferent to whatever part of ME demands attention. It’s not about what I desire or what I aspire to be. In all honesty, there is nothing skilled, revered or renowed about what I do everyday, and when all is said and done, I will become nothing more than an idea or maybe not even that….


but I’ll exist in each one of them. I trust that just as every impression of them has now become a part of me, each one ever so slightly changing the way I view the world, so too have I been absorbed into part of their being. I have to be content knowing that my effect is small, not trivial, just small. Whenever they hear the word passion, they may never associate it with me. I will never physically see the lightbulb go off. But in some miniscule way, they might view the world a little differently having known the definition of that word…


It’s something that requires an extraordinary amount of patience and trust because it’s a matter of giving without expecting anything. I won’t see the results. I won’t thrive off of the results. All I receive is the satisfaction of knowing there are results somewhere at the end of the process. Perhaps the most amazing part about all of this is that this is not just about teaching…of course it’s more directly applicable because I get to see and interact with the same 175 people everyday, but doesn’t this hold true with every single person with whom our paths have crossed??


Hasn’t every person that I have ever come into contact with left some mark on me that has affected the person that I am? It seems absurd but it only further proves my point that while I don’t consciously think about it, they are there in some form absorbed into the essence of who I am. Most of the time I don’t realize it or care to notice….but it’s there. I myself, am simply a composite accumulation of the number of people who have touched me and the final result is the way I put all of them together and present myself to the world.


Honestly, it’s terrifying when I really think about it. How many people in this world have I touched directly or indirectly? Whether it’s the person I didn’t wave to on my morning run and never thought twice about, or the person I stay up and talk with until the first glows of sunrise grace the horizon. The numbers are upwards of thousands……….and how many of those are mindless interactions? Indifferent interactions? If I would have known at that time I was altering someone’s life, I think…I know my behavior would have been drastically different…..


But see that’s the best part – I can’t just walk around with this chip on my shoulders thinking I have this special power to touch the lives indelibly of every person I come into contact with – talk about absurd – the truth in that only leads to arrogance. But the fact that we truly do belong to each other paradoxically cannot be something that you consciously think about not just because it’s overwhelming but because it negates the beauty of it. This idea, this concept needs to be ingrained into my very being….not infused artificially but absorbed into my spirit and my flesh.”

Broken

25 Minutes Too Late - by Michael Learns to Rock (Remixed!)

After some time
I finally made up my mind
He is my Lord
And I really want to make Him mine.

I’ve traveled everywhere
To find Him again
Tell Him I love Him
And I’m sorry for the ways that I’ve sinned

I find Him standing in front of the church,
The only place that I was too scared to search.
He looks so helpless in that tattered dress,
But He’s smiling as He’s saying this…

Girl I’ve waited so long
Now you know just how strong
You are when your faith lies in me.
Child I know your broken,
I’ve got plans unspoken
You’ll know when I reveal them to you….

Into the wind,
I’m coming home again
He’s pulling me back
To His arms where I feel safe and secure

I still see Him standing in front of the church,
The only place that I was too scared to search.
He looks so helpless in that tattered dress,
But He’s smiling as He’s saying this…

Girl I’ve waited so long
Now you know just how strong
You are when your faith lies in me.
Child I know your broken,
I’ve got plans unspoken
You’ll know when I reveal them to you….