Silence

Heeyyy!! Sooo orientation is winding down and GO TIME is rapidly approaching!!! We just returned yesterday from a 2 day silent retreat which was AMAZING!! I have never been on a silent retreat before, and if you have not - i STRONGLY suggest going at some point. Personally, I had always been a little skeptical, never wanted to make the time, but after these past few weeks, I was in DESPERATE need of some quiet time away.

I've always wondered why people are so deathly afraid of silence - of awkward silence - why we feel ourselves compelled to fill that space with idle chatter, and I've come to realize that silence is so intimidating because it is YOU and yourself - no distractions, no masks, no cover ups - you are facing yourself in all of your glory, and all of your demons - and it is scary...silence creates this space in which you are held captive to yourself...The way I see it - what is more beautiful? What is more liberating than confronting the beauty of yourself? Liberating includes the good - the positive the thoughts that are pleasant over which to ruminate. But it includes the bad - the thoughts suppresed, the thoughts tucked away - the thoughts that make us cringe, the thoughts that corrode the inner linings of our soul because we refuse to attend to them. It makes you confront the person that you've molded -the person you've spent 22 +/- years reshaping, fashioning, loving and its truth time - can you sit along and be with the person you are responsible for?

One of my groupmates described the experience something like this "imagine that you are a pot of stew - brewing on the stove right? and silence is this big wooden spoon right? and this big wooden spoon comes in and stirs the pot such that gradually everythign that had been sitting at the bottom of the pot slowly rises up to the top" pretty crazy eh?

So I'm in the chapel for evening prayer the first night that we were there, and there is this thunderstorm RAGING outside the stained glass windows. I'm trying desperately to find some solace in the silence, but am constantly distracted by the crashing thunder & flickering lightining. Gradually this smile spreads across my face and I get up. I leave the chapel, walk past the crowd of people standing at the door watching the storm from inside, and step outside. It is pouring rain. I am drenched. The lighting is masquerading across the sky in ways nobody knew lighting could. The humbling presence of the thunder is so powerful. This thunderstorm just exuded such majesty and dominance over the creation as I knew it.
I'm a firm believer in looking for God in the simple things in life - the little pleasures. I've always said that God does not answer you in lighting bolts and it is ridiculous to spend your life waiting for him to. But that night he did. Two of my groupmates walked up behind me - we just hugged, held hands - words would have marred the moment - there was just this sense of serenity that He was in control, and I was at His mercy. The rain was this cleansing presence washing over me.......and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was where I was supposed to be.

WOW so silent retreat was INTENSE - ha ha that's funny - im confused as to how this orientation has been so far!! But we've got about 3 days left to spend with each other - bonding, sharing - running, playing frisbee - you name it!!!! W'eve been getting an OVERLOAD of site specific information as far as cultural customs, dress codes, stereotypes, gender issues, health issues etc....I'll be able to provide a better glimpse in to reality once I get there - but where we're going - AIN'T KANSAS!!!! :-) but will be beautiful and wonderful in its own way.

I simply ask for your prayers as these last few days get a little more and more strenuous, and as my heart become anxious. Please know taht you have all been in my prayers, the retreat was such a beautiful time to reflect on how much YOU mean to me & the impact you had had on my life - the reason I have come to this point - and am standing on the verge of this monumental transition.....

thank you

My Love,
My Prayers,

~Jaclyn

Nothing is ore practical than finding God, that is than falling in love in a quite absolute and final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imaginiation, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings. How you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything.

~Pedro Arrupe