Just when I was getting comfortable, He had to go and test me…We left the comforts of Uman to go back to Weno for a family party. While I live on Weno, nothing was familiar, anything that used to be familiar seemed so distant as we rode a taxi up to Mama Lucy’s Aunty’s house….and I’m plunged back into this world where I allow myself not to exist and desperately listen to indistinguishable noises flying back and forth identifying nothing more than the very general gist of the conversation if I’m lucky. I feel like I should know so much more than I do. Am I just an idiot or is it really this hard??? Quite honestly this sucks! It’s hours of work, memorization, looking like a FOOL and magnified because I’m doing it the hard way….worth it? I’m having my doubts.
(I’m just going to preface this by saying I realize the following is quite cavalier but I simply need an outlet to vent.)
Sitting around…kukknou… how I loathe the word. I’m really not sure how much more I can take of this. All I want to do is go run around, do some sort of project – I don’t know watch paint dry or grass grow. All we do is eat and eating – don’t even get me started…I feel like I’ve eaten so much salt that my brain is now iodized. Eat and sit…eat and sit….oh eat now? I can’t eat I’m busy sitting….oh we better hurry up and finish eating because that’s cutting into our DOING NOTHING. Rest – here lay down if you want to take a rest….take a rest? You’ve got to be kidding – take a rest from what? I haven’t done anything that warrants taking a rest…I woke up from a luxurious 8+ hours of rest, ate, sat in a boat, sat on a bus, and now I’m sitting on you couch and I should be tied? You know what – my ass is a little tired!! I realize they don’t see a problem with this and it is a cultural phenomenon but I guess my mind is too dangerous to be left idle that long.
I feel like the Chuukese are kind of stuck in no man’s land. In a previous life, everything was simple. The only real education a person needed was the know-how to climb a coconut tree, skin a fish, grate tapioca, weave a skirt, tie a thuu and build a hut. It was a world where the clan you are born into determines you status and the size of your land, and medicine grows in the wild. With the introduction of western culture inexorably comes a need for money to buy and along with that the possibility to achieve…and so the citizens of Chuuk are now stuck in the middle deciding between enjoying the easy going, not a care in the world lifestyle and desiring the luxuries acquired though a good-paying job…and so the culture clash leaves behind a collective work ethic where things get done when I get to them, it really doesn’t matter if I show up for work today, I need to rest, someone else will take care of it if I don’t and that’s just the way things are – there’s really nothing I can do about it. A work ethic that we as Americans would label as lazy and unmotivated….While I think it’s utterly shameful to stereotype and entire people especially so negatively….I feel as though (and I realize it is an audacious statement to make) if they want to adopt the western lifestyle, they have to swallow it all….I don’t think there is anything wrong with sitting around enjoying life if your future consists of cutting down banana trees and cracking coconuts. You don’t need an education and perhaps it is better not to corrupt a free spirit with one. But succeeding in a western way of life is inextricably tied up with education, hard work and the motivation to better oneself. I cannot help but want them to receive the opportunities and education to do so… and become easily frustrated when I cannot “force” them to stay in school, stop using drugs, or convince administrators to take an interest in students. And what’s even more frustrating is that even if the opportunities where available, maybe a handful would take advantage of them. When I was on summer break my mother had me reading, memorizing multiplication tables, studying vocabulary and practicing SAT tests – every minute was another chance to get ahead. And as I look around at a street lined with kids of varying ages squatting idly staring off into an unattainable horizon, I cannot help but want something better for them….and perhaps I’ve just been in Chuuk long enough for some of the Chuukese work ethic to seep in – but how much can I really do? How ardently should I campaign for these western ideals?
I think Nanar is tired of being patient with me and quite honestly I’m tired of being patient with myself. While I’ve never been one to wish my life away, there’s a small part of me counting down the days until I can STOP! Till I can stop feeling awkward and be comfortable. I’m tired of being completely dependent, having people telling me what to do because basic commands are easy to understand. I’m tired of having people knowing when I’m showering, what I’m eating, what I’m doing – I want my independence back. I want my personality back. I can’t even be myself. Nobody knows the true me. I wanted so badly to say something – say anything to Kimenta (one of my athletes who I saw in the store downtown) to show her I care and was beyond excited to see her darling face and nothing came out but awkward silence and a look that I pray spoke louder than words, or lack thereof. I’m tired of being called PisCor, fefin, sense Xavier, fin Merika, Chon Merika, and sometimes just Merika. I have a name. I’m tired of having people ask a fin-Chuuk what it is and asking them if I speak Chuukese. Ask me. And I know it is just out of courtesy but people just assume that because I’m white I don’t know how to speak - even if I ask them kindly to please speak to me in Chuukese. I know they have every reason to assume that because it’s not often that anyone cares to learn their language. But I know a little and how am I supposed to learn if you won’t help me?? I’m tired of accepting hospitality and not having anything to give in return – and even worse not being able to express even a fraction of my gratitude. They welcome you in, shower you with food till you pass out, hand made skits, a place to stay, shower, amenities and nothing…..absolutely nothing…
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