Naked Hope

“What continues to fascinate me is that those whose whole mind and heart were directed to God, had the greatest impact on other people, while those who tried very hard to be influential were quickly forgotten.”

Perhaps I am too stagnant to find my own original muse, but the words of Henri Nouwen find a way to continually inspire new thought patterns in my ever so narrow-minded perspectives. I know what you must be thinking – that even so much as pondering the above quote must have required some form of prior reading. Whether I should be ashamed or proud that I am actually reading an adult-reading level book with real words, no pictures and over 100 pages - I’m not sure, but a friend was generous enough to allow me into some of the personal reflections of Nouwen which touched him so deeply. I am grateful that my aversion to reading was not strong enough to deter me from finding beauty in the steps of his journey, which consequently, has profoundly affected mine.

As I feel the foundation beneath me preparing for yet another momentous shift, I find myself at a loss for feeling, passion, words and growth…Looking back in retrospect, I cannot recall the exact point where I slipped into spiritual oblivion, but I glance down now at my outstretched hands motioning the nonverbal frustration of unanswered questions… “Where is my center? Who is my center…do I have a center? Have I spent the last 18 months imprudently seeking influential status in the lives of those with whom I have come to live? Have I nourished a narcissistic desire to assimilate into the Chuukese community not for their benefit, but for mine? Have I secretly harbored an egocentric aspiration to be some sort of prominent teacher? Have I puerilely and selfishly wanted to make an impact beyond the realm of my comfort?”

Each shameful question pulling me farther and farther away from what should have been my center….a raw, genuine desire to follow the Lord.

***

In a recent reflection given by a few of Xavier’s most gifted seniors, one of the girls eloquently encapsulated and then flipped upside down the Genesis story by claiming that Adam and Eve did not fall from perfection because they ate the fruit…The fruit really had nothing to do with it. The Lord could have told them they could do anything they wanted in the garden with the exception of dancing the Macarena. But the serpent turns up the bass, they’re feeling the beat and before they know it they’re hands are behind their head and they’re shaking their hips – does the world still fall from grace? There were no magical powers in that fruit. Quite honestly, I doubt there exists an earthly repository of omniscient knowledge. What mattered was the fact that it was forbidden. God tested His trust in them. He put His faith in them and they let Him down.

Jesus trusted me with this calling. It wouldn’t have mattered where he sent me, or what He sent me to do, but He trusted me to always keep Him at the center of my life, my day, my actions, my motivations – to lead a life of blind, faithful service. He trusted me to live with His passion. I’m left with nothing more than the naked hope that He loves me and is proud of me in spite of my frequent inability to do so. “After all, everyone shares the handicap of mortality…It is in the confession of our brokenness that the real strength of new and everlasting life can be affirmed and made visible.”