Meet Johnny...

Traveling with an Infant Form

Thank you for choosing Contintental Micronesia. If you intend to travel with an infant, please fill out the following form and return it to the attendant when you check-in for your flight. Thank you for your cooperation.

Circle either YES or NO for all that apply.

1. Are you traveling with an infant? YES or NO

2. Is your infant under 3 years of age? YES or NO

3. Does your infant: (circle all that apply)

Cry? YES or NO

Scream? YES or NO

Whine? YES or NO

Whimper? YES or NO

4. At what noise level does your infant have the

ability to perform any of the above?

Whisper ? YES or NO

Murmur ? YES or NO

Conversational ? YES or NO

Tonsil bearing ? YES or NO

Blood curdling ? YES or NO

Ear piercing ? YES or NO

5. How frequently does your infant perform the above?

Rarely ? YES or NO

When provoked? YES or NO

Often ? YES or NO

More often than not ? YES or NO

Non-stop – without coming up for air ? YES or NO

6. Does the small, enclosed size of a cabin exponentially

amplify the noise that your infant is capable of

producing? YES or NO

Please add up the number of YES boxes you circled. Scores totaling over 12 may qualify you for our special reserved courtesy infant seating in the very middle of the cabin, completely surrounded by adults looking for a peaceful ride to their destination. Thank you for your cooperation and again, thank you for flying Continental Micronesia.

Meet Johnny

There is at least one on every flight. Perhaps there is an application for this seating as well that I am unaware of. Inevitably, about 20 minutes or so after taking off, the flight attendants begin tending to the cabin, offering an assortment of complimentary beverages – sometimes peanuts, if you’re lucky honey roasted peanuts, sometimes pretzel wheels and if you’re really lucky, a sandwich and some raisins. In order to fit all of this goodness onto one cart, the dimensions of the cart tend to be such that it consumes the whole aisle, the armrest of seat C to the arm rest of seat D with maybe just a few spare inches on either side.

Meet Mr. Johnny Patient sitting up in seat 2A. He's one of the first to receive his Coke, coastered with a napkin. Impatient because they took his slurpee away from him at a security check point, he downs the Coke and with a satisfied smacking of the lips, pounds the empty plastic cup on the seat tray. He looks around for a moment out of boredom now that the excitement of a free drink has subsided. It doesn’t take long before he realizes that he now has to use the restroom and so his sole focus becomes relieving himself. Without hesitation, he climbs over Jimmy and Suzie, comfortably reading and sipping on their beverage of choice. With minimal spillage but maximum inconvenience due to not so small adults playing musical chairs in not so large airplane seats, he triumphantly makes it to the aisle. To his dismay, he looks up and sees the rear end of the stewardess, working fervently behind her precious cart. Surveying either side of the cart, he realizes that his load is too wide to shimmy past. The flight attendant has a good 27 rows left to serve, but he makes the decision to wait it out. Initially confident this is a good idea, he stands upright, watching her adroit, rehearsed movements – pop, pour, napkin, serve. This amuses him for a while until the liquid pouring sound reminds him of his need to get to the restroom. He thinks maybe if he looks again there may be an opening he missed the first time that would allow him to squeeze through. Alas, the cart is the same size.

The stewardess senses someone is behind her and notices the gentlemen, not seeking her attention, but still unusually close. She continues working, not losing her focus or breaking her routine, for if she stopped for every inconsiderate passenger she would never finish her job.

Though she pretends not to notice, other passengers, particularly in seats C and D, do, and are now feeling awkward with this gentlemen hovering over their personal space. Johnny senses the tension and tries to look away but slips for a moment to check if they are staring at him. They are. Johnny’s look says something to the effect of, “Soooo, this is pretty awkward….probably couldn’t get more awkward, well, unless of course if I were naked, then I would be in quite a pickle,” which warrants multiple looks that insinuate, “You’re not a very intelligent individual are you?”

One row at a time, the stewardess works diligently, still slightly uncomfortable with someone leaning over her shoulder. Johnny Patient thinks she’s going slower on purpose just to embarrass him even more, and he begins to get frustrated, huffing and puffing to indicate that he is still waiting to pass. Hearing, but not acknowledging his anger, she smiles. Even after all of the flights she has worked and all of the clowns who do the exact same thing, she is still amused by his stupidity.

After what has to have been about 7 minutes, Johnny takes note of the emergency exit row – his one chance to escape! She unlocks the wheel brakes and he nearly knocks her over to squeeze past her before she blocks the next row. Sensing that she had given him enough of a hard time, she courteously rolls the cart back to allow him to pass and he scurries off to the bathroom.

Vacancy light on – off – on. He struggles to exit through the sliver of a bathroom door, stumbles back into the aisle and starts heading back to his seat….that is until he looks up and notices the cart back downstream at row 16.