I am NOT an avid reader. Those closest to me know I cringe at the very thought of reading. It is not something I’m proud of, because there is so much to be gained from it – a whole world I am closed off to, but I’ve always been an active person, and to me, reading is so sedentary. It requires you being in one place for an extended period of time – focusing. And unless you are discussing it with someone – you have to be by yourself – isolated from the world around you – supplanted somewhere in a secret world of words. Maybe I’m just contriving excuses, but I’m trying for the sake of my students to find a love for it. I have to.
So on this particular Sunday morning, I was moved to pick up a book I ha actually read before in High School I woke up around quarter to 9 and spontaneously decided to pass up running and breakfast to read….2 ½ hours later, a tear soaked pillow and a drained heart, I finished it. If you have never read Tuesday’s With Morrie, I strongly suggest it. If you have, read it again. Although I’ve read it before (originally recommended by Mrs. P – thank you!!!!!) there was something about it this time around that penetrated so much more deeply perhaps because of what I am on the verge of beginning….
It is about a teacher – a teacher that I can only hope to become…the textbooks are irrelevant – but the lessons, the tests are among those that the memory finds a way to permanently ingrain. The book raised many questions and challenges that I had considered, but hadn’t offered adequate deliberation. You can call it a problem – maybe a contradiction – an attempt to reconcile this dichotomy of teaching that exists within my conception of my role. I know the value of an education – expanding your min. These students have been given the blessing of receiving a prestigious education and the talent, ability an potential to maximize all it has to offer…I have been blessed with the opportunity to share in it. But I’m torn by this inherent inclination to want to teach them not so much about literature, but about the world. To warn them about its evils. To push them to discover its meaning. To teach them to think counter-culturally. To uncover a passion – obscured only by fear. To teach them of love, emotion, human touch, confidence, empowerment…
I’ve come to believe that my greatest problem is ignorance in the sense that I only learn and internalize what I can feel. Not what I can see or hear – but something that I can tangibly feel from the inside. I’m not sure where that falls on the visual, auditory and kinesthetic learning styles chart…but words, books, tests, entire courses, movies – you name it….unless it resonate – unless it evokes something within – an emotion preferably – it typically just passes through one ear… and out the other – am I crazy??? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel as though I have this (soon to be classified in the DSM) emotive disorder to blame for my ignorance (though sometimes blissful!!) but if you follow my train of thought…. (and I don’t blame you if you don’t..)
I feel that just as it is the only way I know how to learn, it is also the only way I know how to teach. Perhaps it is presumptuous – but I assume that I am teaching a room full of students who think and react just as I do – and need to learn in the same way. I need to teacah in such a way that the fundamentals can and will in some way strike a chord. But how do I find that balance between masquerading as a literature instructor and teaching them the very little that I do know – what my experiences have provedn to be true…while at the same time teaching them the plots, themes, characters, ironies and symbolism that this Jesuit education promises them…al of whose true meanings I have only begun to graze the surface – as in very littls as seeped in. Perhaps balance is the wrong question to ask – maybe I should ask how to merge this disconnect???
“A teacher affect eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.” ~Henry Adams
Aside from forcing me to face the daunting, yet inevitable task of standing before four classes of students on the first day, Morrie’s words on love and life soaked through me and provoked emotions so beautifully debilitating…leaving me with no other faculty but to feel (hence, I absorbed every word!!).
In the words of the one and only (and wise) Wilcard, “leaving really helps you to identify what your home is. How do you know what home is if you’ve never really left??” (Thanks love!!) and it’s soo true – in just a few weeks I’ve gained such a better perspective of what home is and has been for 22 years of my life. I’ve gained such a better appreciation for just HOW much I love people and just how much I am loved. Sometimes I just want to BURST at the amount of love I can still feel from so far away – an in a way…absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. Being so far away, I am forced to express myself more honestly….letters have been such an outlet for sharing, for allowing people (for one of the first times in my life) to hear my inner thoughts & feelings. Communication is no longer fluff- small talk. Such infrequent contact requires raw candor – no facades. I trust that some of my most cherished relationships will perhaps grow stronger thanks to the blessed gift of the pen (and blog!)
And a final – loosely associated thought –
“The greatest commandment is this..You shall love the Lord your Go with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your strength…the second – you shall love your neighbor as yourself…” Matthew 22:37-40
In the words taken from Fr. Bill’s homily this week, “we foolishly think that we know how to love because we crave it so much – it is the one thing in this world that we desire more than anything…we want to be loved – thus, the Lord gave us the 2nd commandment to teach us how to o the first…In doing the second, it is the Lord’s hope that we might fulfill the first.”
“Be compassionate…and take responsibility for each other…as long as we can love each other, an remember the feeling of love that we had, we can [leave] without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. You live on in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here…” ~Tuesday’s with Morrie
Again, to steal words – this time of a former JV at orientation – “how beautiful is it to be ablet o say and understand the implication behind ‘Remember, we belong to each other.’” I think that the bottom line of this book is that we do truly belong to each toher. We are beings who inherently seek comfort, security, acceptance, touch and love….The only way to find it is through each other. It is only in giving yourself completely to that which you belong that you may find in all its splendor, that one gift you crave so fervently.
…and so now – I leave you to teach my first class!! OH MY GOONESS GRACIOUS!!!!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Acceptance
Running used to be liberating. I am SO grateful that I can run here, however I feel as though a run has become something altogether restricting. I used to run in a sports bra & “booty shorts.” Here, it is customary to run in mesh shorts down to my knees and a t-shirt, (I know my Hounds can empathize with a shared hatred of the cotton T) bogged down by the extra weight of sweat soaked material. I used to be able to run for miles – letting my legs fly from underneath me as they pleased. Here, I can only run so far before I must turn around for fear that the sweltering heat and unyielding sun that gradually sucks the life out of my perpetually dehydrated body will prevent me from making it back to Xavier on my own willpower. People line the streets as I run through, which one could easily mistake for a personal cheering squat, but I cannot say anything but an impish “Nesor Annim (Good Morning).” Little budding runners match my stride – two of theirs to every one of mine, but I cannot cheer them on – I can’t say anything encouraging but smile and wave as their breath grows short and their steps trail off.
Adjusting has also been much harder that I could have imagined as physically manifested in upset stomachs and migraines. You would think - new world…so much to explore and take in…..and there IS… oh my goodness gracious there is! But adjusting to life away from home has in all honesty been so tough. The power goes on and off at whim and the internet works sporadically so it is very hard to get online and check e-mails. Even when I can get online, I can’t even begin to respond sufficiently with everything that I want to say! Thus, I do feel so cut off and isolated…I just don’t want those people who I care about so much – I don’t want YOU to foget how much I love you. When I can’t be there in person and I could never fully convey it in an e-mail, the best I can do is pray that you don’t forget…Pray that God wraps His arms around you everyday. You send such lovely e-mails and support and I just pray in some small way you can understand and can feel my love reciprocated. There is no way I could ever thank you enough – but trust that I have some monster hugs waiting for you when I return – and I do mean MONSTER. (in case you weren’t aware – Hugs accrue interest in the form of intensity….thus – you can only imagine how INTENSE these hugs are going to be after 22 months of interest!!!)
I think part of what has been so difficult is my shifting roles – to go from a Senior, an RA, a mentor, a captain, a friend, a leader and a runner - to starting back at the bottom is quite a shock to my system. I suppose I didn’t fully realize just how deeply those roles had become ingrained in who I was and how I had learned to fill them out. But so much of the loss I am feeling comes from knowing that I no longer play those roles in the same capacity. I am starting from scratch – as a student – earning my respect very slowly – learning, being an observer – re-identifying myself and determining where exactly I fit in. We had a whole talk at orientation on grief and loss – but there is no true way to prepare yourself for when it actually hits you…
as I’m sitting here writing, 2 new students walked by – wandering through the halls (the boarders are starting to return) Sonny and Amaroy….and so it begins – building that relationship – earning their trust. Unfortunately they are Juniors, so I will not have them in class, but they are both runners – so thought I struggle to pursue my own passions – perhaps part of me will be able to live vicariously through them…..
Though I entered JVI intentionally for the community and support I thought I’d find – it seems as though I am encountering more support from the people here who I’ve come to know personally – from pushing myself beyond the luxuries of comfortable conversation – and to sit in the sometimes awkward silence – struggling to mesh Americanism and Chuukese. Rutón, one of the Xavier workers and our “certified” Chuukese instructor has been a wonderful blessing – helping me to bridge the expansive gap between these two drastically different cultures. The other day, we left the island of Weno with the Xavier workers to picnic on a remote island out on one of the outer atolls. Rutón and some of the women showed me how to skin sea cucumbers and search for octopus. He helped me to translate the conversation whirling around us and even just sat and raced hermit crabs with me… By the end of our conversation I learned that he graduated from UH Hilo in 1998 and is considering pursuing a graduate degree in business (or law!) I told him that I would help him look into Grad schools on the US mainland – so perhaps you will get to meet him one day if he follows his dream!!
Perhaps what I need is more a feeling of acceptance than necessarily being supported?? The town is preparing for an inter-village track competition – so there are people running around EVERYWHERE –(It’s GREATTTTT let me tell you!!!) But today we were asked to help out timing as the runners circled the 200 meter grass field marked off by sticks arranged in an oval pattern right?? so afterwards I was trying to speak to the coach who knew broken English….and as he told me his name and shook my hand – then ENTIRE crowd – filled with runners, children, mothers – (yeah the ENTIRE village of Sapuk shows up even for these practice runs) ERUPTS with laughter, OOOOHHHHHHHHH’s, clapping, heckling and what not……by that point I’m thoroughly embarrassed –with no place to hide in a wide open field…not knowing what is going on…..but apparently, as I was later told, there exists a strong cultural barrier between men & women – and the fact that he had deliberately – in front of everyone broken that barrier and shook my hand – then patted me on the back – sent the crowd into hysterics…….
To walk through the neighborhood unable to distinguish whether the children are giggling because the white girl just said “Hi” to them, or laughing because there is a white girl walking by makes you feel so helpless….but coming home to a worker asking if I’ll just sit and talk is a feeling of acceptance that I long for…..
Adjusting has also been much harder that I could have imagined as physically manifested in upset stomachs and migraines. You would think - new world…so much to explore and take in…..and there IS… oh my goodness gracious there is! But adjusting to life away from home has in all honesty been so tough. The power goes on and off at whim and the internet works sporadically so it is very hard to get online and check e-mails. Even when I can get online, I can’t even begin to respond sufficiently with everything that I want to say! Thus, I do feel so cut off and isolated…I just don’t want those people who I care about so much – I don’t want YOU to foget how much I love you. When I can’t be there in person and I could never fully convey it in an e-mail, the best I can do is pray that you don’t forget…Pray that God wraps His arms around you everyday. You send such lovely e-mails and support and I just pray in some small way you can understand and can feel my love reciprocated. There is no way I could ever thank you enough – but trust that I have some monster hugs waiting for you when I return – and I do mean MONSTER. (in case you weren’t aware – Hugs accrue interest in the form of intensity….thus – you can only imagine how INTENSE these hugs are going to be after 22 months of interest!!!)
I think part of what has been so difficult is my shifting roles – to go from a Senior, an RA, a mentor, a captain, a friend, a leader and a runner - to starting back at the bottom is quite a shock to my system. I suppose I didn’t fully realize just how deeply those roles had become ingrained in who I was and how I had learned to fill them out. But so much of the loss I am feeling comes from knowing that I no longer play those roles in the same capacity. I am starting from scratch – as a student – earning my respect very slowly – learning, being an observer – re-identifying myself and determining where exactly I fit in. We had a whole talk at orientation on grief and loss – but there is no true way to prepare yourself for when it actually hits you…
as I’m sitting here writing, 2 new students walked by – wandering through the halls (the boarders are starting to return) Sonny and Amaroy….and so it begins – building that relationship – earning their trust. Unfortunately they are Juniors, so I will not have them in class, but they are both runners – so thought I struggle to pursue my own passions – perhaps part of me will be able to live vicariously through them…..
Though I entered JVI intentionally for the community and support I thought I’d find – it seems as though I am encountering more support from the people here who I’ve come to know personally – from pushing myself beyond the luxuries of comfortable conversation – and to sit in the sometimes awkward silence – struggling to mesh Americanism and Chuukese. Rutón, one of the Xavier workers and our “certified” Chuukese instructor has been a wonderful blessing – helping me to bridge the expansive gap between these two drastically different cultures. The other day, we left the island of Weno with the Xavier workers to picnic on a remote island out on one of the outer atolls. Rutón and some of the women showed me how to skin sea cucumbers and search for octopus. He helped me to translate the conversation whirling around us and even just sat and raced hermit crabs with me… By the end of our conversation I learned that he graduated from UH Hilo in 1998 and is considering pursuing a graduate degree in business (or law!) I told him that I would help him look into Grad schools on the US mainland – so perhaps you will get to meet him one day if he follows his dream!!
Perhaps what I need is more a feeling of acceptance than necessarily being supported?? The town is preparing for an inter-village track competition – so there are people running around EVERYWHERE –(It’s GREATTTTT let me tell you!!!) But today we were asked to help out timing as the runners circled the 200 meter grass field marked off by sticks arranged in an oval pattern right?? so afterwards I was trying to speak to the coach who knew broken English….and as he told me his name and shook my hand – then ENTIRE crowd – filled with runners, children, mothers – (yeah the ENTIRE village of Sapuk shows up even for these practice runs) ERUPTS with laughter, OOOOHHHHHHHHH’s, clapping, heckling and what not……by that point I’m thoroughly embarrassed –with no place to hide in a wide open field…not knowing what is going on…..but apparently, as I was later told, there exists a strong cultural barrier between men & women – and the fact that he had deliberately – in front of everyone broken that barrier and shook my hand – then patted me on the back – sent the crowd into hysterics…….
To walk through the neighborhood unable to distinguish whether the children are giggling because the white girl just said “Hi” to them, or laughing because there is a white girl walking by makes you feel so helpless….but coming home to a worker asking if I’ll just sit and talk is a feeling of acceptance that I long for…..
Monday, August 08, 2005
Home Sweet Home?
I’m here!! I made it to Chuuk!!!!!!! We touched down on Saturday (we loose a day in transit when crossing the international date line) and have been acquainting ourselves with the lay of the land since then. I’m still in disbelief that this is actually happening and am still desperately trying to figure out what to think and how to process it all. I’m in awe. I’m uncomfortable. I’m searching. I’m happy. I’m lonely……
I’m in awe because this place is ascetically gorgeous!!! Xavier High School is nestled in a hilltop that overlooks the lagoon on both sides. The school itself is built around remnants of a WWII Japanese communication tower. Thus, the walls are about a foot thick of concrete – and you can actually see the place on the roof where the building was bombed during an American ambush that left the entire Chuuk lagoon a diver’s haven. Being that we can see out across the water for miles – we’ve watched many a sunset already, we’ve stargazed like you wouldn’t believe and have just sat & watched rainstorms roll in from miles away. Last night we took out the telescope & a book of constellations and assumed nighttime jobs as little astronomers!! Seriously – there are more stars in this sky than you’ve ever seen in your life!!!!
A few days ago we went snorkeling – you’d think that we were swimming in some sort of artificially constructed tank in at the aquarium. The reef was like something out of Fining Nemo – and the fish – don’t even get me started……even cartoons couldn’t duplicate these colors!!! Yesterday we went hiking to the top of an old Japanese Lighthouse – that pretty much overlooked the entire island of Weno. The view was spectacular!!! It is so lush that you couldn’t even see houses down below – they were tucked away in the green…..the island would have seemed uninhabited if not for the voices, cries, songs and shouts of the people below. There was a little island boy who followed us up to the lighthouse -no shoes – and we ended up playing with him for hours…..we could not communicate with language – but it is simply beautiful how the word “play” seems to be universally understood.
The people here are amazing…..soo beautiful….when we go running in the mornings (YES – I am able to run here!!!!! A few of my community mates are runners – or aspire to be – so hopefully we’ll have a whole fleet running in the mornings!!!) everyone is up & about – waving – saying hello….soo friendly!! But their laughter – oh my goodness gracious – they are always laughing…and you know that there is so much beneath the surface – so much of their life’s tale that laughter does not even begin to accomplish – but they laugh like you wouldn’t believe.
I’m uncomfortable because it’s different – it’s a whole new world – everything is unfamiliar and requires an extensive amount of patience. As beautiful as this place is – it is equally as destitute. There is trash everywhere. The unemployment rate is something like 80%.....it’s just these two conflicting worlds that I can’t seem to reconcile just yet. The heat is something else that takes some getting used to – dripping sweat all of the time!! Oh it’s lovely!! And the typical dress is long skirts, or shorts down to the knee – and shirts – no shoulders showing….sooo it will require some getting used to!! The bugs are ha ha WONDERFUL!!! Flies, cockroaches, spiders, mosquitoes – geco’s!! And if you know how much I enjoy creepy crawling insects – you knowwww how much patience is being exerted daily!!!
I’m searching for comfort – for pieces of home – for something that will begin to make this place feel like home. I’m searching for a new identity – not knowing anyone or anything about this place – it’s like starting all over again – I need to find out who I am in light of where I am.
I am happy knowing this is exactly where I am supposed to be. I am happy knowing that my boundaries are being tested in ways I could never have imagined. I am happy that I have people around me like my community – AJ, Chris, Joe & Adrianne – and the wonderful staff here at Xavier to be a solid system of support and encouragement.
I am lonely in a world so far from all that is familiar. The language is a huge barrier. I want to get to know the culture & the people – but my inability to communicate poses a huge obstacle to doing so. I will admit that being a lil’ homesick makes it tougher as well – just missing people who know me – who understand who I am….. I know that will come if I give it time – but it is hard being in that space in between.
So we have a few more weeks of orientation/hanging out etc… we don’t start school until the 23rd and as of right now I’m still teaching freshman & sophomore lit – desperately trying to rekindle my love of reading and literature!!! I know there is sooo much more I want to write and say – but I’m just on sensory overload – there is so much to take in!! But know that I think of YOU often and your prayers and support is with me!!!
My Love
“I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun, not just because I can see Him, but because of Him, I can see everything else.” ~C.S. Lewis
I’m in awe because this place is ascetically gorgeous!!! Xavier High School is nestled in a hilltop that overlooks the lagoon on both sides. The school itself is built around remnants of a WWII Japanese communication tower. Thus, the walls are about a foot thick of concrete – and you can actually see the place on the roof where the building was bombed during an American ambush that left the entire Chuuk lagoon a diver’s haven. Being that we can see out across the water for miles – we’ve watched many a sunset already, we’ve stargazed like you wouldn’t believe and have just sat & watched rainstorms roll in from miles away. Last night we took out the telescope & a book of constellations and assumed nighttime jobs as little astronomers!! Seriously – there are more stars in this sky than you’ve ever seen in your life!!!!
A few days ago we went snorkeling – you’d think that we were swimming in some sort of artificially constructed tank in at the aquarium. The reef was like something out of Fining Nemo – and the fish – don’t even get me started……even cartoons couldn’t duplicate these colors!!! Yesterday we went hiking to the top of an old Japanese Lighthouse – that pretty much overlooked the entire island of Weno. The view was spectacular!!! It is so lush that you couldn’t even see houses down below – they were tucked away in the green…..the island would have seemed uninhabited if not for the voices, cries, songs and shouts of the people below. There was a little island boy who followed us up to the lighthouse -no shoes – and we ended up playing with him for hours…..we could not communicate with language – but it is simply beautiful how the word “play” seems to be universally understood.
The people here are amazing…..soo beautiful….when we go running in the mornings (YES – I am able to run here!!!!! A few of my community mates are runners – or aspire to be – so hopefully we’ll have a whole fleet running in the mornings!!!) everyone is up & about – waving – saying hello….soo friendly!! But their laughter – oh my goodness gracious – they are always laughing…and you know that there is so much beneath the surface – so much of their life’s tale that laughter does not even begin to accomplish – but they laugh like you wouldn’t believe.
I’m uncomfortable because it’s different – it’s a whole new world – everything is unfamiliar and requires an extensive amount of patience. As beautiful as this place is – it is equally as destitute. There is trash everywhere. The unemployment rate is something like 80%.....it’s just these two conflicting worlds that I can’t seem to reconcile just yet. The heat is something else that takes some getting used to – dripping sweat all of the time!! Oh it’s lovely!! And the typical dress is long skirts, or shorts down to the knee – and shirts – no shoulders showing….sooo it will require some getting used to!! The bugs are ha ha WONDERFUL!!! Flies, cockroaches, spiders, mosquitoes – geco’s!! And if you know how much I enjoy creepy crawling insects – you knowwww how much patience is being exerted daily!!!
I’m searching for comfort – for pieces of home – for something that will begin to make this place feel like home. I’m searching for a new identity – not knowing anyone or anything about this place – it’s like starting all over again – I need to find out who I am in light of where I am.
I am happy knowing this is exactly where I am supposed to be. I am happy knowing that my boundaries are being tested in ways I could never have imagined. I am happy that I have people around me like my community – AJ, Chris, Joe & Adrianne – and the wonderful staff here at Xavier to be a solid system of support and encouragement.
I am lonely in a world so far from all that is familiar. The language is a huge barrier. I want to get to know the culture & the people – but my inability to communicate poses a huge obstacle to doing so. I will admit that being a lil’ homesick makes it tougher as well – just missing people who know me – who understand who I am….. I know that will come if I give it time – but it is hard being in that space in between.
So we have a few more weeks of orientation/hanging out etc… we don’t start school until the 23rd and as of right now I’m still teaching freshman & sophomore lit – desperately trying to rekindle my love of reading and literature!!! I know there is sooo much more I want to write and say – but I’m just on sensory overload – there is so much to take in!! But know that I think of YOU often and your prayers and support is with me!!!
My Love
“I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun, not just because I can see Him, but because of Him, I can see everything else.” ~C.S. Lewis
Foiled again!!
So These two days in Hawai'i - simply amazing - of course there were obvious challenges such as only having a shirt, skirt, 1 pair of unerwear and sneakers - no toiletries - but nothing a book on the Chuukese alphabet won't help! All that was in my bookbag was some food, and books, journals etc...my other 2 bags (and Chris & Aj's) all went to Chuuk & sat there & waited for us until we arrived. so we had to improvise. We stopped at the discount store to pick up some necessities - and picutre Chris, AJ & myself wandering around the international flea market picking out boar shores long enough to cover my knees (keep in min ladies hips don't quite fit in males' shorts in quite the same way) and some sort of bathing suit tip to swim in. It was a sight to see! Not even so much the three of us trying to find these clothes that would appropriate to wear in Chuuk(so as not to waste $$ & clothes I couldn't wear for 2 years) - but the final product!!! Walking around Hawai'i in a tied up bikini top - knee length board shorts that didn't quite match exactly & pink flips - I looked like a clown! Simple living test #1!!! Our first extra day was spent sorting out the meal vouchers Continental gave us & napping. we were WIPED!! We set out the next day to leave Waikiki beach & venture towards teh more lush, less populated borders of the North shore. We took the city bus all the way up & met some very interesting & friendly local folk & got on an off as we pleased. You'll have to check out the pictures (when i'm able to get them up online) to have some idea of waht we saw as we steppe off the bus....and even the pics dont' do it justice. As soon as we stepped off - all i hear is "Shutup..." "No Freak'n Way" AJ & Chris both in disbelief of this paraise we had stumbled into. Before us was a mountain range - cliffs rape in sheers of salient green - almost fake. The panorama witnessed a duel of majesty as the towering height of the surreal cliffs challenged the vast expanse of tranquility buffere only by the eference of a sandy shoreline..... a battle paradoxically imperceptible to the nake eye. To see it wasnt' enoguh - to feel it was not enough - you had to breathe it in - let it sonsume, let it overwhelm - let it seep through your porous exterior and even that fell short.
My Lord was present in all we did - the wonder, the streaming rays of the setting sun, the wave that occupied us for hours and the creativity that turned 3 near adults into children on the verge of kindergarten. If yesterday was the only reason for our extended stay, it was reason enough....just to be in the company of such beautiful people - they continue to amaze me - just to watch the way they experience the world - they see it with such a beautifully different perspective - it's a boyish woner - it's an attention to minute details, it's a witness to the Christ in all forms of life that has challenge me beyond words. Even better is that they bring out the best in those they meet. Just watching them interact with each other - with the locals - I am so blessed to be in their company and I wish you coul meet them & see what I see.
My Lord was present in all we did - the wonder, the streaming rays of the setting sun, the wave that occupied us for hours and the creativity that turned 3 near adults into children on the verge of kindergarten. If yesterday was the only reason for our extended stay, it was reason enough....just to be in the company of such beautiful people - they continue to amaze me - just to watch the way they experience the world - they see it with such a beautifully different perspective - it's a boyish woner - it's an attention to minute details, it's a witness to the Christ in all forms of life that has challenge me beyond words. Even better is that they bring out the best in those they meet. Just watching them interact with each other - with the locals - I am so blessed to be in their company and I wish you coul meet them & see what I see.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
The start of something beautiful.....
So I'm sitting in the Honolulu airport about to leave the US. Flight time - 7:00AM. ETA 3:06PM August 4th. Hawaii has been awesome - absolutely incredible but I still feel physically out of it, like I'm in this daze caught somewhere in between reality and neverland. Emotionally, the sensation is indescribable - I want to cry - I want to beam with excitement all at the same time. The two emotions are inseparable and its the most amazing feeling that I do not want to fade... But perhaps is responsible for balancing each other out in the trance like state I've been walking around in - or perhaps thats just due to a more logical reason such as lack of sleep. I got about 2 hours of sleep the night before we left Scranton - up at 4:45AM to catch the bus to Newark. As we said goodbye to all of the departing groups - we slowly dwindled to 5 of us - and flew into a realm where time almost stood still. Our plane moved with the revolving sun such that if you were telling time solely by the sun's position in the sky - we had temporarily figured out a way to suspend it's forward progression. The plane ride was phenomenal - for only having 2 hours of sleep, I thought I was going to crach, but Dwyer and I stayed up and talked & entertained ourselves for nearly the entire flight... It was such a comfort to share those moments - all 9 and a half hours of them with someone going through the exact same thing - doing it together. I felt so bad for our other community mate AJ who had to make the trek alone & met us in Hawaii.
So we landed in Honolulu - all of us as giddy as 4 year olds for in Disney World for the first time! Who are we to be having this experience - to be laying over in Hawai'i and living on a tropical island for 2 years?? Our two night layover in Hawai'i has been a dream for us all. Yesterday we got up early, headed to Waikiki beach, met up with a former Majuro JV who now resides in HI, climbed trees, swam, rented bikes, hiked up to the top of diamond head crater only to look out over the island of Oahu, ate dinner along the beach as the sun was setting to the left and as a sunshower left a rainbow spanning the sky to the right. Simply UNBELIEVABLE. Needless to say we packed an entire vacation into one day.
We left the hotel at 4:30 this mornign and are currently surrounded in the airport by numerous other volunteers. Some of the rest of my group felt disillusioned by their presence - many of whom are going to the Marshalls & even Chuuk. They felt like they were only one of many in a long line of volunteers - that their mission was no longer just theirs....I feel a sense of security - knowing that there are other people out there who long for the same things as I do - that we are not alone in our plight.
Soooo where's the twist Trunce - blah blah blah- yeah that's great you're going to Chuuk......
so as I wrote the above entry, I was called by my group members to go throguh check in - so i saved the draft - and am returning to it now......NOW i am STILL sitting in Hawaii at a very nice hotel. Why you ask? Wellllll Continental overbooked the flight right? so Dwyer and I technically did not have seats. Typically people dont' show - so there is always room and that is why Continental is legally allowed to do that - but today was not one of those days....sooo there was a whole family who did not have seats & who needed to be in Chuuk for a funeral - so we gave up our seats to them (AJ gave up his assigned seat so that the 3 of us could stay together) We didn't get a chance to say goodbye to the Marshall group who was already on the plane by the time we made the decision to stay. SOOOO Continental put us up in the Ohana Islander Resort a block from Waikiki beach - and we will not be leaving now until Friday!!!! WHAT IS THE BIG MAN DOING TO US!!!???
We were SOOO excited to acutally be in Chuuk today - to make this life a reality - no longer this vision - or some creation of our imagination.....no longer something that we could create in our minds - not a story we can fabricate as we see fit.......perhaps it was that we were so comfortable with the idea - completely ready to go & be there......I know there is a reason - which is exciting in itself - we were supposed to be in Chuuk in only a few hours - and he has a whole other plan in mind!!! Soooo we'll slow down - relax - and prep ourselves for our Friday departure!!!
so hopefully next time I write to you - there will be people, smells, places, feelings - next time I write.....I will be in Chuuk.....
so as your world continues to revolve - as your story continues to unfold - breathe intentionally. It is impossible to feel God any closer - any more alive than in your own breath......
Thank you for your calls, texts, e-mails - you have no idea how strong the spirit is that I feel behind me this whole way. Please continue to keep in touch - as your life and your love - gives me reason to persist.
So we landed in Honolulu - all of us as giddy as 4 year olds for in Disney World for the first time! Who are we to be having this experience - to be laying over in Hawai'i and living on a tropical island for 2 years?? Our two night layover in Hawai'i has been a dream for us all. Yesterday we got up early, headed to Waikiki beach, met up with a former Majuro JV who now resides in HI, climbed trees, swam, rented bikes, hiked up to the top of diamond head crater only to look out over the island of Oahu, ate dinner along the beach as the sun was setting to the left and as a sunshower left a rainbow spanning the sky to the right. Simply UNBELIEVABLE. Needless to say we packed an entire vacation into one day.
We left the hotel at 4:30 this mornign and are currently surrounded in the airport by numerous other volunteers. Some of the rest of my group felt disillusioned by their presence - many of whom are going to the Marshalls & even Chuuk. They felt like they were only one of many in a long line of volunteers - that their mission was no longer just theirs....I feel a sense of security - knowing that there are other people out there who long for the same things as I do - that we are not alone in our plight.
Soooo where's the twist Trunce - blah blah blah- yeah that's great you're going to Chuuk......
so as I wrote the above entry, I was called by my group members to go throguh check in - so i saved the draft - and am returning to it now......NOW i am STILL sitting in Hawaii at a very nice hotel. Why you ask? Wellllll Continental overbooked the flight right? so Dwyer and I technically did not have seats. Typically people dont' show - so there is always room and that is why Continental is legally allowed to do that - but today was not one of those days....sooo there was a whole family who did not have seats & who needed to be in Chuuk for a funeral - so we gave up our seats to them (AJ gave up his assigned seat so that the 3 of us could stay together) We didn't get a chance to say goodbye to the Marshall group who was already on the plane by the time we made the decision to stay. SOOOO Continental put us up in the Ohana Islander Resort a block from Waikiki beach - and we will not be leaving now until Friday!!!! WHAT IS THE BIG MAN DOING TO US!!!???
We were SOOO excited to acutally be in Chuuk today - to make this life a reality - no longer this vision - or some creation of our imagination.....no longer something that we could create in our minds - not a story we can fabricate as we see fit.......perhaps it was that we were so comfortable with the idea - completely ready to go & be there......I know there is a reason - which is exciting in itself - we were supposed to be in Chuuk in only a few hours - and he has a whole other plan in mind!!! Soooo we'll slow down - relax - and prep ourselves for our Friday departure!!!
so hopefully next time I write to you - there will be people, smells, places, feelings - next time I write.....I will be in Chuuk.....
so as your world continues to revolve - as your story continues to unfold - breathe intentionally. It is impossible to feel God any closer - any more alive than in your own breath......
Thank you for your calls, texts, e-mails - you have no idea how strong the spirit is that I feel behind me this whole way. Please continue to keep in touch - as your life and your love - gives me reason to persist.
Monday, August 01, 2005
HONOLULU LOOKOUT!!!
Tommorrow at this time I will be on a direct flight to Honolulu!!! WOO WOO WOO WOOOO!!!!! It's absolutely NUTS to think about and I am still having a hard time believing that this is acutally happening!! Emotions are running SOOO very high right now!!! We had a beautiful commissioning mass yesterday up here at Scranton said by Father Lally - it was simply amazing!! I was just so overwhelmed by the delivery of his homily & the delicate choice of words. His homily centered around the idea of letting go, that this is not, and never has been in my control. What I am doing is not some mastermind plan to save the world, or to save myself, but simply an answer to a call to let God love me better. I was overcome with this feeling of surrender, that everything - all the anxiety that had built up over the past few weeks and months in preparation needed to be handed over-and I needed to say yes.
The hardest part is the leaving, knowing that life as I know it here at home will change once I leave the continental US tomorrow. I trust that God is already where I am going, and has obviously left a blazing trail where I've been.....We did a walking prayer this morning - where we partnered up and spent an hour or two praying, talking and sharing, and my partner Adam gave me such a beautiful perspective when I was talking about my difficulty with change - while I have such a hard time because of all that I was leaving behind, he said "I absolutely LOVE change because it gives me such a greater appreciation for what I had...." It is not so much about what I am loosing - but what I am gaining that has become a consolation during my last hours here. The glass is always half full.....every drop lemonade.
But us island kids are THRILLED to be spending a day and a half in Hawaii. Both our Chuuk Group and the Marshall Island group are really close (THEY ALREADY CALL ME TRUNCE!!!!)& are plotting to be biking around the beaches of Hawaii and dancing up a storm in just two days from now!!
So now - the real adventure begins....thank you for being with me, for your prayers along this first stretch - i know it is only the tip of the iceburg - but your support throughout is more of a blessing than you know!!
Enjoy the feast day of St. Ignatius....Risk being passionate. Go and set the world on fire.
The hardest part is the leaving, knowing that life as I know it here at home will change once I leave the continental US tomorrow. I trust that God is already where I am going, and has obviously left a blazing trail where I've been.....We did a walking prayer this morning - where we partnered up and spent an hour or two praying, talking and sharing, and my partner Adam gave me such a beautiful perspective when I was talking about my difficulty with change - while I have such a hard time because of all that I was leaving behind, he said "I absolutely LOVE change because it gives me such a greater appreciation for what I had...." It is not so much about what I am loosing - but what I am gaining that has become a consolation during my last hours here. The glass is always half full.....every drop lemonade.
But us island kids are THRILLED to be spending a day and a half in Hawaii. Both our Chuuk Group and the Marshall Island group are really close (THEY ALREADY CALL ME TRUNCE!!!!)& are plotting to be biking around the beaches of Hawaii and dancing up a storm in just two days from now!!
So now - the real adventure begins....thank you for being with me, for your prayers along this first stretch - i know it is only the tip of the iceburg - but your support throughout is more of a blessing than you know!!
Enjoy the feast day of St. Ignatius....Risk being passionate. Go and set the world on fire.
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